fire and rain
When discussing whether or not it was a good idea to go ahead with the London trip, mom asked me if I really thought I was capable of handling it. I said that I was, and that I don't think I've been in this good shape in a really long time. I feel... lighter. I'm happy, I'm getting out there and doing things, I'm incredibly aware, and I'm truly capable. I feel content and in control. Life is so good, especially because now it's what I'm choosing for myself, and it no longer feels like things are just happening to me. I am at this amazing turning point in my life. I am so excited to see what happens next.
But I miss my grandfather so much it makes me ache. I get this pain deep in my stomach; it's probably more psychological than anything. Facing the rest of my life without him feels so huge that the only way I'll survive is to take take it moment by moment.
I feel that on some other level, a lot of good energy was released with his passing. It freed him and it freed me. And a lot of the good things that have happened to me were things he brought to me. I just wish I could share it with him. I just wish I could hug him. I wish that tomorrow I could pick up the phone and he'd be on the other end.
A few nights ago I had a dream that I was a lot younger and my mother, my grandfather, and I were in pajamas sitting on a couch getting ready to watch a movie. I looked around for Eileen but I realized she was dead and she couldn't join us. But then somewhere in my mind I thought, "No wait, something's wrong with this. What am I getting wrong?" I must have woken up a little more because then I realized that it was Pop Pop who was dead, and just as I realized that he disappeared from the couch. I guess my subconscious was lacking in symbolism a bit. But it's exactly what it feels like. It's like he just disappeared and I'm this little girl, sitting there, stunned, not knowing what to do, just trying to convince herself what just happened is real.
My life is more beautiful than it's been in a long time. But nothing is perfect.
But I miss my grandfather so much it makes me ache. I get this pain deep in my stomach; it's probably more psychological than anything. Facing the rest of my life without him feels so huge that the only way I'll survive is to take take it moment by moment.
I feel that on some other level, a lot of good energy was released with his passing. It freed him and it freed me. And a lot of the good things that have happened to me were things he brought to me. I just wish I could share it with him. I just wish I could hug him. I wish that tomorrow I could pick up the phone and he'd be on the other end.
A few nights ago I had a dream that I was a lot younger and my mother, my grandfather, and I were in pajamas sitting on a couch getting ready to watch a movie. I looked around for Eileen but I realized she was dead and she couldn't join us. But then somewhere in my mind I thought, "No wait, something's wrong with this. What am I getting wrong?" I must have woken up a little more because then I realized that it was Pop Pop who was dead, and just as I realized that he disappeared from the couch. I guess my subconscious was lacking in symbolism a bit. But it's exactly what it feels like. It's like he just disappeared and I'm this little girl, sitting there, stunned, not knowing what to do, just trying to convince herself what just happened is real.
My life is more beautiful than it's been in a long time. But nothing is perfect.