there's something about Frankie
Why is everyone getting so goddamn philosophical in their LJ's lately? You guys are freakin me out. I can't think too long about all the big changes going on in my life and everyone else's cuz it starts to mess with my head.
So I'm happy. I'm so relieved to be gone from Monmouth, presumably for good. It's the proverbial weight being lifted from my shoulders. People say I look happy, especially with him. And I think I really am. I think I'm settling into this a little better.
I have yet to mention that a little over a week ago Frank and I got into this huge weird fight thing. Was it a fight? I don't know for sure, I was completely blind-sided by it. It felt like he sought me out for a fight over nothing. He seems to think I have all these alterior motives for things, when really I don't put nearly as much thought into it as he gives me credit for. And what's really weird is that I don't know if he realizes it or not, but he kinda keeps tabs on me in an odd way. Like he knows all this stuff about me and I have no idea how he finds it out. It's kinda freaky, but in a weird way it makes me feel reassured, like he's looking out for me in his own fucked up, subconscious kinda way.
I'm assuming we won't speak again. And I mean that sucks, but it feels sort of appropriate. I knew before the fight that this was the end for us. We just went in totally different directions with our lives, and I don't think either of us quite approves of all the others' choices. We seem to critique each other a lot. There's a lot of that "Oh, YOU think I'm this way? You're more this way than I am and here's why!" etc etc. You know what I mean?
I've always had a strong intuition, and over recently months I've started to really listen to it. I've tried to look deeply and determine what's really going on in the grand scheme of things. Here's what I've made of this whole Frank situation:
He and I have this strange, deep, cosmic connection thing. There are just those people in your life, those kindred spirits you gravitate toward. The people you learn from, the people you connect with, the people who leave an unmistakeable mark on your life. We are that to each other. When I told friends of mine I was dating someone, several of them said, "Oh, Frank?" and I greeted them with a look of surprise and horror, their repsonse was that we always seem to have this weird connection, even when we're fighting. And why do you think we fight in the retarded way we do? Cuz we care. If we didn't give a shit about each other we wouldn't have such strong opinions. And I don't want to be too ignorant or stubborn to admit it. It doesn't matter if he doesn't see it that way because I truly believe that's how it is, and we'll both realize it in time.
It just sucks that we've got this crazy bond and we're driving each other away. Like I said, it feels like this how it has to be, and yet.... I can't help but feeling regret. Maybe it's temporary. Maybe we'll find our way back to each other some time in the future.
Something tells me he'll eventually read this. I just kinda know it. I also know he'll never admit to it, and he might even get a little annoyed by it. But I don't care. Life's too short to not say exactly what you mean and how you feel. And how I feel is that Frank, I love you. I love you in a way I've never fully understood. I'm glad you care enough to call me on my shit, even if I don't always believe that you're right. I'm glad you're looking out for me. And the only reason I get upset about things you do is probably the same reason you get upset about things I do - because I want the best for you and I can't shut the hell up when I think you're making a bad decision. Maybe it's not my place to say, but I say it cuz I care, probably way too much. And you know what.... I'm pretty confident it's mutual.
I'm glad I got that out. I can be done with it now.
This summer is shaping up to be huge, wonderful leaps forward in my life. Today I got a lot done, and I started making plans with Christine to romp through England and Ireland. A whole new continent will feel our awesomeness. That's right kiddies, the feemo sensation rockin the nation will cross the pond, woooo!
I'm running out for coffee with the boy, I'm outta here.
So I'm happy. I'm so relieved to be gone from Monmouth, presumably for good. It's the proverbial weight being lifted from my shoulders. People say I look happy, especially with him. And I think I really am. I think I'm settling into this a little better.
I have yet to mention that a little over a week ago Frank and I got into this huge weird fight thing. Was it a fight? I don't know for sure, I was completely blind-sided by it. It felt like he sought me out for a fight over nothing. He seems to think I have all these alterior motives for things, when really I don't put nearly as much thought into it as he gives me credit for. And what's really weird is that I don't know if he realizes it or not, but he kinda keeps tabs on me in an odd way. Like he knows all this stuff about me and I have no idea how he finds it out. It's kinda freaky, but in a weird way it makes me feel reassured, like he's looking out for me in his own fucked up, subconscious kinda way.
I'm assuming we won't speak again. And I mean that sucks, but it feels sort of appropriate. I knew before the fight that this was the end for us. We just went in totally different directions with our lives, and I don't think either of us quite approves of all the others' choices. We seem to critique each other a lot. There's a lot of that "Oh, YOU think I'm this way? You're more this way than I am and here's why!" etc etc. You know what I mean?
I've always had a strong intuition, and over recently months I've started to really listen to it. I've tried to look deeply and determine what's really going on in the grand scheme of things. Here's what I've made of this whole Frank situation:
He and I have this strange, deep, cosmic connection thing. There are just those people in your life, those kindred spirits you gravitate toward. The people you learn from, the people you connect with, the people who leave an unmistakeable mark on your life. We are that to each other. When I told friends of mine I was dating someone, several of them said, "Oh, Frank?" and I greeted them with a look of surprise and horror, their repsonse was that we always seem to have this weird connection, even when we're fighting. And why do you think we fight in the retarded way we do? Cuz we care. If we didn't give a shit about each other we wouldn't have such strong opinions. And I don't want to be too ignorant or stubborn to admit it. It doesn't matter if he doesn't see it that way because I truly believe that's how it is, and we'll both realize it in time.
It just sucks that we've got this crazy bond and we're driving each other away. Like I said, it feels like this how it has to be, and yet.... I can't help but feeling regret. Maybe it's temporary. Maybe we'll find our way back to each other some time in the future.
Something tells me he'll eventually read this. I just kinda know it. I also know he'll never admit to it, and he might even get a little annoyed by it. But I don't care. Life's too short to not say exactly what you mean and how you feel. And how I feel is that Frank, I love you. I love you in a way I've never fully understood. I'm glad you care enough to call me on my shit, even if I don't always believe that you're right. I'm glad you're looking out for me. And the only reason I get upset about things you do is probably the same reason you get upset about things I do - because I want the best for you and I can't shut the hell up when I think you're making a bad decision. Maybe it's not my place to say, but I say it cuz I care, probably way too much. And you know what.... I'm pretty confident it's mutual.
I'm glad I got that out. I can be done with it now.
This summer is shaping up to be huge, wonderful leaps forward in my life. Today I got a lot done, and I started making plans with Christine to romp through England and Ireland. A whole new continent will feel our awesomeness. That's right kiddies, the feemo sensation rockin the nation will cross the pond, woooo!
I'm running out for coffee with the boy, I'm outta here.