Merry Christmas, tottchupi!!!
Title: Our Dancing Days
Recipient: tottchupi
Group(s)/Pairing(s): F(x)/4Minute, Amber/Hyuna
Word count: 2,388 words.
Rating: r
Warning(s): n/a
Summary: It is the east, and Hyuna is the sun.
Notes: I’m really, really sorry for this, you deserve so much better, but I hope you can enjoy it even a little, anyways.
The first time Amber feels something fluttering behind her ribcage, they’ve just won Inkigayo and Hyuna wraps her arms around her from behind, squeezing her tight. Her soft cheek brushes against Amber’s and her lips touch her ear as she shouts, “Congratulations” into her ear so loudly that it makes her head whirl.
Amber turns around towards her when she pulls away, but Hyuna’s just bouncing from foot to foot as though nothing happened. She tries to forget about it, but even after they’ve gone home for the night, it’s still all she can think about. She touches her hand against her ear and sighs.
In the morning, when she wakes up, there’s a funny weight in her chest that doesn’t go away but she suspects it has Hyuna’s name all over it.
-
The next day Hyuna is there again, as soon as they got out of their van and stumble into the building. She was laughing with Sohyun about something, and Amber couldn’t help but notice the way her eyes crinkle or how her laugh echoes through the hall. She didn’t notice she was staring until Hyuna turns to her and gives her a smiling wave.
She bounds over to her before Amber even knows what’s happening and wraps her arms around her in a hug. Amber freezes for one second before she loosens up, wraps her arm around Hyuna’s waist. Their hips bump together, the curve of Hyuna’s body fits against hers, and she laughs.
“Morning,” Hyuna says, and Amber thinks its the best wake up call she’s ever had.
“Morning,” she repeats with a nervous laugh. “What’s up?”
Hyuna pulls back and looks at her, as if berating her for speaking English so early in the morning. She crinkles her face and tries to figure out how to answer her and just giggles and nudges her with her shoulder. “Good luck today!”
“You too,” Amber beams, and then suddenly, the tension is so thick in the room that she could cut it with a knife.
She’s not sure what it is, or if she’s the only one that can sense it, but she’s ultra aware of the proximity, of the hand curled around her waist, of the hand playing with her sweater strings, of the strand of hair that’s gone astray and fallen over Hyuna’s eye. She raises a hand and pulls it away, and she can feel her heart beating in her chest, way too loudly, and suddenly she thinks she might believe in all of the love songs.
“Unnie!” Sulli says, coming out of nowhere and getting in the middle. “Unnie, do you like my shoes?” Amber looks down automatically the same time Hyuna does and their heads collide. They jerk away from each other as though stung.
“Sorry!” They both say at once, Hyuna grabs onto her arm to hold her steady and laughs, like it’s now big deal. Amber finds herself bowing at least five more times. Hyuna’s hand makes its way down her arm until her fingers slip between hers. She squeezes her hand hard, and Amber can’t help but squeeze back.
“Oh, yeah, they’re great,” Amber forces herself to look away from Hyuna’s smile and reply to Sulli, who beams and babbles on. Hyuna leaves her side, and Amber tries to ignore how empty she feels and how the lingering warmth leaves her hand and gives way to a sudden chill. She swallows, and tells herself that there’s nothing special between them, that it’s all in her head.
-
She’s really good at telling herself that no one would ever like her, until Hyuna follows her into the bathroom one day before performances for Inkigayo. Amber immediately goes to wash her hands, because there’s only one stall, and Hyuna follows her there. The soap in the dispenser is as empty as the room, but she goes through the motions anyway. Hyuna’s nails click on the polished, marble dappled surface of the counter.
“I like you.” Hyuna’s voice is tiny, shy. The quietest she’s ever heard her. The world drops from beneath Amber’s feet, and she has to cling to the counter to keep from falling. She looks at her, her dyed hair and careful make up applied just enough to enhance her features. There’s an eyelash on her face, but Hyuna’s too busy looking at the chipped paint beneath the mirror to look in her direction.
Amber carefully brushes it away with her thumb. Hyuna’s foundation rubs away against her thumb. Hyuna turns to face her, her eyes flicker, her mascara catches as she blinks. When she smiles, the curve of her cheek pushes them up into slits and all she can see is that smile, dorky and cute and oh, so real.
“I like you too,” Amber whispers, swallowing hard against the lump of her throat and the quivering of her heart. Hyuna’s curves melt into her non-curves as she hugs her, squealing in her ear.
“Really?” Hyuna pulls back, Amber smells vanilla.
“Really,” she says, and when they leave the bathroom, her hand is warm in hers. Krystal is the only one who looks at them a little too long, the only one who’s eyes linger in Amber’s a little too long. But then Hyuna squeezes her hand and pulls away to tease Dongwoon, and Amber asks Luna about the set, and maybe they’re in the clear.
-
Except they’re not, not ever.
Maybe a few too many times, Amber’s fingers linger on the small of Hyuna’s back, tugging on the back pockets of her jeans to pull her against her body. “Sorry,” she giggles when Hyuna falls against her, but Hyuna just giggles back and leans against her. Amber wraps her arms around her waist, loosely. There are camera’s everywhere, and maybe that’s why its so easy to do it, because its okay to be this close in Korea.
Its acceptable to be this close, but she’s not allowed to kiss her, she’s not allowed to press her fingers inside of her or trail her fingers along her jaw. They can hold hands and hug and giggle and fall on each other, hold each other, but they can’t be in love.
Amber reads blogs about it when she’s supposed to be asleep. She investigates Korea’s culture and their ways, the undefinable body language. She tells Hyuna about it over lunch.
“Silly,” Hyuna laughs, reaching across the table to grab Amber’s hand. It’s okay, it won’t make headlines, because they’re in Korea. Amber’s grip tightens. “It’s okay, we’re okay.” She winks at her and serenades her with 2pm songs.
“Okay, okay,” Amber swallows the nervous bile building in her throat and plays with Hyuna’s feet under the table instead.
-
In the mirror, staring back at her, is a girl she sometimes doesn’t know. She likes her outfits, she likes that she can wear comfortable shirts and pants while the others are stuck with odd couture dug up from the woodwork of fashion magazines. But there’s more to her image than the clothes. She can’t be girly, and it doesn’t bother her much, because she’s never been girly.
“Am I a boy, or a girl?” She asks Hyuna, curling an arm around her waist and pulling her close. Hyuna blinks up at her, cheeks puffed out from her drink. She swallows loudly and laughs, bumping their hips together.
“If you were a boy I couldn’t do this,” she says. “You’re a girl, and I love you.” Amber’s fingers freeze against her shoulder. Hyuna’s smile crinkles her eyes when she laughs. Her dimples stand out on her cheeks. “If you were a boy, I wouldn’t want to love you.”
She leans in and kisses her, wet and sloppy, and tasting like peach juice. Their lips smack when they pull away. It’s far from perfect, but it lifts the weight from Amber’s chest and when she laughs, it’s harder than she’s laughed in weeks.
When Amber was eight, she fell in love with a girl, or the closest thing to love an eight year old could have. Maybe that was the closest thing there was to love. Children love so much easier and faster than anyone else. It’s truer, so maybe that’s why she believes in it more. But she met the girl on the swing sets in the playground. She was pumping her legs as fast as she could, and she refused to look down. Amber got in the swing next to her and pumped until she was more or less lined up with her.
“What are you doing?” Amber asked, rocking her little body forward to give herself more momentum to go forward.
“Going to space,” the girl said. Her blue eyes were clear as they stared at the sky. Amber focused her gaze on a white bird, flying high above them. “I’m going to save the universe.”
“That’s silly,” Amber laughed. It was hard work to just get here, she couldn’t imagine saving the entire universe. “The universe is too big for one person to save.”
The girl turned her head to give her a look. “I’m going to try, anyway.”
Amber thinks of her blue eyes when she pushes Hyuna against the wall in an empty changing tooth in the shop, kissing her. She thinks of the universe when she looks into her eyes, dark and brown and clear as day.
“I love you,” she whispers against her mouth, kneeling against her and pressing her fingers between her legs. Hyuna swallows her moans, curling her fingernails into her thighs.
“I love you, too,” Hyuna says, ten minutes later, when she pushes a stuffed frog into Amber’s hands and picks up one for herself. Her cheeks are still flushed, her hair is slightly scattered. Her collar is still rumpled from where Amber clenched it when she came. She’s beautiful, and Amber aches to kiss her, but she doesn’t, draping an arm around her and brushing her thumb against her skin, instead.
“Mehrong,” Hyuna giggles, sticking her tongue out at her. Amber pokes it with her finger, laughing breathlessly. When Hyuna shrieks at her and hits her with the frog, she runs away. She almost trips into a stand of sunglasses but manages to stay upright.
-
When they can’t see one another, Amber listens to 4minute and Hyuna’s solo songs on repeat. Sometimes she wishes she could be in their group, but then she feels bad. Sulli is braiding Krystal’s hair on the couch next to her. Luna is in the chair, flipping through channels. She skips past a show with 4minute on it, and Amber’s heart skips a beat.
“Wait,” she almost yells. Luna jumps, stares at her. “Go back, I really like that show.”
“You like Star Golden Bell?” Luna asks, but goes back anyway. She smiles, and Krystal laughs when she sees who’s on it.
“She likes the people on it,” Krystal says, slyly. Hyuna is on the screen, answering a question. She’s wearing the barrette Amber bought her, and she feels a trickle of warmth, as though she just had a huge mug of hot cocoa.
“Who?” Luna asks, instantly curious. Sulli all but squeals in Amber’s ear.
“Who do you like?” She asks. “Is it Minho? Is it Seungho?”
“Huh?” Amber asks, pulling her gaze away to blink at them. “What? No. It’s neither of them.” She says, settling back against the couch. They’d never say Hyuna, because Hyuna’s a girl. Korean’s can’t be gay. Amber’s not Korean, but she’s been here long enough. She’s a Korean star - It’s the same thing.
“Dinner,” Victoria calls, as Sulli finishes Krystal’s braid with a final pat to the top of her head. The conversation is forgotten, the TV is turned off. Krystal’s gaze lingers on her a moment too long.
-
“I think Krystal knows,” Amber tells Hyuna one day, sitting beside her on a bench in one of the waiting rooms. Coordinators rush around them, managers are calling, it’s the rush before the stage. All the artists are ready and getting their final adjustments. They’re finished with them, so they’ve found a bench out of the way.
“Really?” Hyuna asks, quirking an eyebrow at her. Make up hides her haggard expression. She hasn’t rested in ages, Amber knows. She’s been keeping track and they text goodnight. Hyuna hasn’t said good night for three nights now.
“I think so,” Amber shrugs. “I don’t think it’s a big deal though. She’s not going to say anything if she knows.”
“She could tell Jessica, or something, right?” Hyuna leans against Amber’s shoulder like a dead weight. “You smell nice,” she mumbles. Amber threads her fingers through her hair until she falls asleep, breathing deep and heavy. Amber’s mouth quirks into a smile, her finger snags on the curve of her ear. This is the closest they’ve ever come to spooning, and it’s over all too quickly. Jihyun drags Hyuna off with an apologetic smile.
“Sorry, our stage is in ten minutes,” she says, and Hyuna moans in response, her head luls onto Amber’s shoulder. She grips her hand tightly and gets up. She blinks a few times and heaves herself to her feet, flips her hair over her shoulder, and flashes Amber a smile that’s so bright, it’s almost as though she never fell asleep at all. As though five minutes of sleep could rejuvenate her for three days of none.
-
Amber’s drifting somewhere between being awake and sleep when her phone goes off, vibrating against her head. She blinks through her bangs and turns it on, moaning a greeting into the speaker.
“Are you sleeping?” Hyuna’s voice whispers, coming out in a croak.
“Not yet,” Amber laughs, hugging her pillow against her chest and rolling over in the bed. She listens to Hyuna breathe on the other end.
“Good, because,” Hyuna giggles, Amber can imagine her hugging her stuffed frog. Amber pulls her own to her chest. “Because I love you, and I just wanted to remind you.”
Amber smiles, “thanks.”
There’s radio silence on the other end.
“Hyuna?” Amber’s voice quivers.
“Hmm?”
“I have to tell you something important.” She almost sees her sit up in bed. Almost sees her push her hair out of her face. “I love you,” she says in English. “I love you,” She says in Chinese.
“You’re a jerk,” Hyuna whines.
“I love you,” Amber says, in Japanese.
“Your Japanese needs some work.”
Amber smiles as she says it, in a language they both understand. “I love you.”