All I want is to be wanted.
I don't do well with people being angry at me. It catches me off guard and then I get frustrated which leads to the worst possible outcome, me crying. My anger level is directly connected to my tear ducts. I can't control it and it is the absolute worst.
My friend was kind of rude/angry/cranky with me today and it surprised me. I understand my mistake, but I don't think I deserved her attitude. There's a difference between politely/nicely asking someone to not do something and being an outright awful person about it. She was the latter and I didn't expect it because we're friends and you don't treat people like that.
I'm really tired right now and stressed. Chinese class takes a toll on us all. We have to wake up early (props to us because it's summertime) and go to class from 8:30-12 and then another class from 1:30-4:30 for culture/calligraphy (中国书法) and then after that we have homework and studying for our daily quizzes/studying in general because there are so many vocab words. Add in exploring the city, getting dinner, hanging out with Chinese friends, etc. and before you know it it's midnight. Then repeat repeat repeat.
Don't get me wrong, I'd do this program again in a heartbeat. I've learned so much because I've had to use what I learn to survive, but I'm so worn out that my friend's reaction was the last straw. Sometimes you just need a good cry.
I try so hard being nice to people. Most times it's not that hard, but there are moments that try my patience and loosen my tongue into a whip of fire. It's hard to do what's right, but I was brought up that way. Always have manners, treat others with respect, and be understanding. And even though I try my hardest to do these things, sometimes I'm still treated wrongly myself. Maybe I'm nice because I want to be wanted. I want to be the shoulder someone cries on, the ear someone talks off, the first person to be included in something or approached. Sometimes I feel like the extra, the third wheel, the tagalong. I know it's probably not true, but sometimes ingrained in me to think like that and it's fucking annoying to have that mindset. I'm too cautious, over analytical, worried about other people.
I'm still super happy here. I really like most of the people on the program and even the ones I get annoyed with I can deal with. I think it's more of the case that we've all been around each other for a month. There's only 18 of us, in a foreign country let me remind you, so we spend a good amount of time hanging out because what else are we going to do? It's not like we can walk up to random Chinese people that may or may not speak English and ask them to be our friends. While that could work, a lot of Chinese people I've come across are sort of clingy to the foreigners.
But some of them aren't like that and I'm glad I've become friends with those people.
//
So I've tried so many different authentic types of food and restaurants/eating places in the past week. I've had Tibet, yum noodles and nan (bread), Thai (curry in Sichuan (四川) is soooo spicy!), true Sichuan food, canteen food that the university students eat, egg tarts, frozen yogurt, chinese vegetarian food. It was all really good and while I felt like I was going to have a stomach ache after each meal (I didn't thank goodness! we finally got our toilet unclogged, don't want to ruin it), I'd totally eat it again.
//
I finally finished chapter 11 of No Longer Weak and I'm so happy/surprised by the reception I got from it. It's been so long since I've updated, and even longer since I started the story a few years back (I think? Has it been that long?!) and to think that people still read it and that new people are still checking it out amazes me. I feel like fanfiction has died a little bit, at least in certain fandom areas, but I could be wrong.
Whatever the case may be, I'm really glad people still read my story and just go on the website in general. Reading is a wonderful hobby and experience in my opinion. I always find energy when reading, and also writing, that I never have when watching a show or movie. There's this fear that I'll eventually go blind and lose my memory so I always feel like when I'm reading I'm exercising those parts. When I watch TV/stare at a screen it makes my eyes ache and my brain shut down as a zone out, but when I read I'm thinking and remembering back to earlier parts of the book and moving my eyes around at something more natural.
This summer I've really unplugged. No online games, not a lot of movies and TV shows (VPN+Hulu+shitty internet really get me angry and not the kind where I cry but the I'm going to throw you out the window), no phone since I have a burner phone that is so old fashion it doesn't even have a camera. The only think I use is my nook, my iPod for running, and my computer for homework/checking email/writing/reading. We don't even have our TV in our room plugged in.
I'm very against technology when you could spend your time doing more productive things, but it also makes me a hypocrite. My computer usually takes my priorities and butchers them with a chainsaw and I hope I remember what I've learned this summer in terms of keep my priorities straight by staying away from my computer or staying focused.
I wish I had dragons. Haha, I wish I wish I wish. Well one things for sure, I don't have to wish to be in China because I'm already here and I didn't get it through wishes but by working hard. Alright, enough words of wisdom that I'll probably chuckle at later while wondering why I was being so mushy.
My friend was kind of rude/angry/cranky with me today and it surprised me. I understand my mistake, but I don't think I deserved her attitude. There's a difference between politely/nicely asking someone to not do something and being an outright awful person about it. She was the latter and I didn't expect it because we're friends and you don't treat people like that.
I'm really tired right now and stressed. Chinese class takes a toll on us all. We have to wake up early (props to us because it's summertime) and go to class from 8:30-12 and then another class from 1:30-4:30 for culture/calligraphy (中国书法) and then after that we have homework and studying for our daily quizzes/studying in general because there are so many vocab words. Add in exploring the city, getting dinner, hanging out with Chinese friends, etc. and before you know it it's midnight. Then repeat repeat repeat.
Don't get me wrong, I'd do this program again in a heartbeat. I've learned so much because I've had to use what I learn to survive, but I'm so worn out that my friend's reaction was the last straw. Sometimes you just need a good cry.
I try so hard being nice to people. Most times it's not that hard, but there are moments that try my patience and loosen my tongue into a whip of fire. It's hard to do what's right, but I was brought up that way. Always have manners, treat others with respect, and be understanding. And even though I try my hardest to do these things, sometimes I'm still treated wrongly myself. Maybe I'm nice because I want to be wanted. I want to be the shoulder someone cries on, the ear someone talks off, the first person to be included in something or approached. Sometimes I feel like the extra, the third wheel, the tagalong. I know it's probably not true, but sometimes ingrained in me to think like that and it's fucking annoying to have that mindset. I'm too cautious, over analytical, worried about other people.
I'm still super happy here. I really like most of the people on the program and even the ones I get annoyed with I can deal with. I think it's more of the case that we've all been around each other for a month. There's only 18 of us, in a foreign country let me remind you, so we spend a good amount of time hanging out because what else are we going to do? It's not like we can walk up to random Chinese people that may or may not speak English and ask them to be our friends. While that could work, a lot of Chinese people I've come across are sort of clingy to the foreigners.
But some of them aren't like that and I'm glad I've become friends with those people.
//
So I've tried so many different authentic types of food and restaurants/eating places in the past week. I've had Tibet, yum noodles and nan (bread), Thai (curry in Sichuan (四川) is soooo spicy!), true Sichuan food, canteen food that the university students eat, egg tarts, frozen yogurt, chinese vegetarian food. It was all really good and while I felt like I was going to have a stomach ache after each meal (I didn't thank goodness! we finally got our toilet unclogged, don't want to ruin it), I'd totally eat it again.
//
I finally finished chapter 11 of No Longer Weak and I'm so happy/surprised by the reception I got from it. It's been so long since I've updated, and even longer since I started the story a few years back (I think? Has it been that long?!) and to think that people still read it and that new people are still checking it out amazes me. I feel like fanfiction has died a little bit, at least in certain fandom areas, but I could be wrong.
Whatever the case may be, I'm really glad people still read my story and just go on the website in general. Reading is a wonderful hobby and experience in my opinion. I always find energy when reading, and also writing, that I never have when watching a show or movie. There's this fear that I'll eventually go blind and lose my memory so I always feel like when I'm reading I'm exercising those parts. When I watch TV/stare at a screen it makes my eyes ache and my brain shut down as a zone out, but when I read I'm thinking and remembering back to earlier parts of the book and moving my eyes around at something more natural.
This summer I've really unplugged. No online games, not a lot of movies and TV shows (VPN+Hulu+shitty internet really get me angry and not the kind where I cry but the I'm going to throw you out the window), no phone since I have a burner phone that is so old fashion it doesn't even have a camera. The only think I use is my nook, my iPod for running, and my computer for homework/checking email/writing/reading. We don't even have our TV in our room plugged in.
I'm very against technology when you could spend your time doing more productive things, but it also makes me a hypocrite. My computer usually takes my priorities and butchers them with a chainsaw and I hope I remember what I've learned this summer in terms of keep my priorities straight by staying away from my computer or staying focused.
I wish I had dragons. Haha, I wish I wish I wish. Well one things for sure, I don't have to wish to be in China because I'm already here and I didn't get it through wishes but by working hard. Alright, enough words of wisdom that I'll probably chuckle at later while wondering why I was being so mushy.