BestWorstBirthday Ever

[born_depressedx]

Today started out okay, I finally felt like people realized I was in existence. I finally felt good. But right when I came home from school, I saw something written about me recently and had over 10 people talking bad about me, making me feel horrible. I feel like im not good enough for anything. My aspirations in life are starting to rot. I have the drive to succeed in what I love the most (guitar/music) but I have no one really there for me to root me on or encourage me. My mother doesn't understand me. I wish I could explain what is going on with me, but I cant. For the first time tonight it hurt just to breathe. I dont want anyone to get attached to me, and I dont want to get attatched to anyone. This is because nothing will ever work for me. Anything I love I lose, whats the use. I want someone so bad to be there by my side, someone to hold and love. But it will hurt me and her in the end. I am so scared of death. I am so scared of losing my parents, my family, my loved ones. All I can think about is death. I cant get it out. I want it to leave. No one ever takes me serious. I cant stand this. I cant stand this town, the people in it, anything. I want to leave, leave it all. I want to tear these walls down and start over, somewhere new, somewhere where I am welcome. Tonight my parents and I went out to eat, we normally have the whole family go and eat somewhere nice, but this year we went to sizzler, I didnt eat, my mom said just drop him off at home, and I didnt say one word during the car ride or at the restaurant. I cant stand what I am. I took a look down at my wrists tonight at the scars of the past. I sat there and wondered, if I should add more. I didnt know what to do. I crawled in my bed under the covers and just cried for 2 hours. I need to get away from the people I know, that I had grown up around for over a decade. I need to get away from my Ex-girlfriend. She is ruining my life. I need to get away from the kids who think they are cool drinking and smoking. All the egotistical self minded pricks that will never amount to anything in life.

Is this where I give up and bow out?

Or is this just the beginning?

"One step closer to the grave."

Chris