(no subject)
and this phone tag game is endless....
I'm all depressed and emo... I could only assume it's post PMS, I hate this PMS shit it ruins everything. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm tired then I'm horny, depressed and I go to sleep to make it all stop. the tears continue to trickle down my face when I close my eyes.I want it all to stop, I want time to just....FREEZE, like someone can stick time in a meat box (where they hang the cow meat and stuff) I'm overwhelmed with how quick everything is going. I don't want to go anywhere but at the same time I want everything to go just you know, LEAVE. I want to apparate on the other side of the worl away from everyone, just want to test how true people are to me; what their version of love is, what it's like.
it seems worth the wait, to see your smile again...
Is their love like a sex-filled relationship?- revolves around one thing like companionship and once it's gone they'll just look for and find the next best thing? or is their love like their first love?- Just throwing yourself into unknown waters and hoping you resurface alive on a beach or at home?
I don't know what I want anymore... I don't know who I am or what matters most to me. It pisses me off and makes me cry like a little bitch... I haven't cried in a year, or a few years and here we go again with the water works.It's like fucking Monopoly is getting more money as people turn my waterworks. I feel used, abused and reused... for some reason, or maybe it's no reason at all. Like I said, I don't know anything... all I know is what I feel and it's confusion, depression, anger, jealousy... perhaps even cynical.
I better not cry when I'm in Jersey, or around my sister.I love her and all, but I don't feel the need to explain my emotions to anyone... I do in this Journal thing for the mere fact that it helps me vent without talking and hurting anyone. If what I type hurts you, makes you feel useless in anyway.... it's not you, don't worry about it.. I'm sorry. I have major issues, I need to see a psychiatrist and get some drugs, get hooked on prozac or something.
I want to give you whatever you need, what is it you need?- Is it what I need?
I want to give you whatever you need, what is it you need?- Is it within me?
there's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you....
If it weren't for all the pacts I've made on anti-skin slashing, I'd probably be sitting on the bathroom floor cutting myself silly or in bed allowing the blood to kiss my sheets and allowing my sheets to devour the filthy blood. I know it's disturbing, but I don't understand... I'm not comprehending these freaking mood-swings. They come in all good and then it's just like the news about my dad dying all over again. Maybe I have what my friend told me our Italian teacher has.... apparently it's this thing called SADD where according to the time of day and season your mood reflects it. I think I might have SAD which is the same but the time of day is irrelevant. The cure is to sit under a sun lamp or something of the sort... but I don't know... it's useless the sun is out during the afternoon and I've started feeling like I did now.
So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.
here to the bottom just going to be pieces of lyrics from music I'm listening to..
This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease
Now we're saying aloud
the things we've declared in our silence.
The new coats of paint will not reaquaint
broken hearts to broken homes.
Cloud my eyes and tell me what to see
I'm falling
Every way I turn the same disease
But I like it
Brace myself and hit the wall with ease
Colliding
I'm not minding the pain
I've been down here before
All my bones and joints are sore
Find my way out of the wreck again
I've been down here before
Lost myself and so much more
Find my way out of the game again
Open up my head and take it in
Just like always
Think about the bar and take a swing
Loaded trapeze
What you need the most from me is yours
I'll continue to deceive you my friend
BTW I'm planning on changing my name to something else BORN2KILLU sucks...