Sorry I'm not a poet

[born2bfamous123]

I don't have a way with words and I can't write in a way that anyone would be interested in but I feel like I need to get this out. This entry is more for myself to try to figure out exactly how I am feeling so if you don't feel like reading it that's fine. I feel this overwhelming sadness right now. It's not just Erik, although just the thought of him getting married leaves me with a loss of breath. I went home this weekend and it's always so fucking hard to come back. I could hardly leave my parents when they dropped me off at school today. Why do I still feel like such a child?? Going home is always so wonderful. It's like putting on an old pair of shoes that are all dirty and warn out but they fit you the best of all and you can't bear to throw them away. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how long I am gone from home I am able to slip right back into my old self the second I get into town. I think the thing is, I like my old self and my old life so much more than the life I have created for myself here and I don't feel like I will ever feel that at home and welcome in San Francisco as I do in Paradise. I got an apartment in SF the other day and me and my friend are supposed to move in the first day of summer. I was planning on going home for the summer and now that I will have a job and a home of my own it doesn't look like I will be visiting much at all. Part of me thinks maybe that is best because as long as I don't go home, I'm ok down here. I get busy in my day to day life and forget how much I love being home. But then another part of me never wants to lose that feeling I have of being a part of something in my small town. This weekend I was noticing that every time you step out of the door in Paradise you see at least ten people you know. Something that used to seem so normal to me now seemed nothing short of a miracle. It felt so good to be known and loved. And if I had to be anywhere to get the news of Erik I'm so glad that I was home. I'm so glad that I was in a place where I could tell my friends what was going on without having to explain the whole story behind it. All I had to say was "Erik is getting married" and they knew exactly what I was going through. It's that kind of knowing someone so well that you don't need to explain yourself or why you feel the way you do that can never be duplicated here.

I don't even know what to say about Erik. I can't define how I feel. All I know is that I have been feeling this real physical pain deep inside me and my stomach twists and turns and I break out into tears for no given reason at any given moment. God I sound like such a drama queen but honestly I feel really bad about this. Trust me I have been through lots of shit with this boy but this has to be the worst I have ever felt. This hurts worse than when I thought he was going to move away sophomore year or when he let me down as my escort for Gold Nugget Queen or when he made out with another girl in front of me (twice) or when he stood me up for prom or when he really moved to Florida. Ahhh I just want to get out of my head right now. I want to stop having these thoughts. I hate that I am incapabale of shutting off my thoughts and emotions that are overflowing within me. I know that I should be dwelling on the fact that this experience is happening to make me a better/stronger person but I just can't do that tonight. I just can't do anything, I can't feel anything but pain.