This Christmas
Life, may I say, is fucking good. Despite some ups and downs this Christmas, its been mostly memorable, and filled with memories. The night before John left, we stayed up running back and forth between our rooms recording, testing, rerecording, and then finalizing our music; not just our music but our album, our first album. It was an amazing feeling and Ill never forget the work, or the feeling like I had the world by the balls to hold that first CD. I like that feeling, and Ive felt unpleasantly robotic lately.
Im back on the creatine. After four weeks of a cutting cycle, Im back to bulking up which means stacking the stuff (four glasses of the "fruit punch" flavored stuff every day for a week - ugh), which means by the time John gets back for spring semester, my abs should be coming in nicely. Or such is the plan, but the goddamn holidays are full of so much food and liquor that its hard to be good.
Speaking of being good, I met a guy. Dave is fantastic; smart, settled, funny, sexy. His whole thing is about being happy and fun - he brings out the relaxedness in me when I tend to be anal compulsively clean, organized, and prone to bullshit rumination about my future. He is, however, almost twice my age - what do I do with that? What does he do with it? I dont know if its more naive or hopeless to say there's a future with him - there's not, unless its a short one. So all I can do is try not to show how very addicted; how hung up on him I am. In the meantime, Im enjoying the ride of it all. I can learn a lot about him, about life, about careers, and especially about calming the fuck down to enjoy all those things, and until I figure out how interested he really is in me (I have doubts), he's a great guy to hang with and watch laugh. That alone could take until he moves. Like Gnarls said; When was the last time you danced?
I downloaded as much Phil Ochs today as I could find. Now all I need is some pot.
Hmmm . . . pot.
Ive gone to Toronto several times in the past few weeks. This December's been amazing, weather-wise; I think like .25" of snow or less. I have fun there, I see the sights, have some drinks, meet the guys, do the shopping. Ken Chan and Ive seen a lot of each other lately. We're friends now, which is far from where we started, but he's good company. One of the few under-25's Ive ever met thats as put-together as an over-35. But Im still just looking to get out of Buffalo.
If I really can only go to school for one more year, I will be a semester short of graduating with an Urban Policy Making degree and a Music minor. I feel like once I get my job-situation settled making good money at Wegmans, my housing-situation settled in a great apartment in Amherst with John, my family/financial situation falls apart. Fuck the fact that between my two jobs, PELL, and student loans my money stretches just short of getting me through school, and there is no other option for a boy with no credit from a financially fading family. Thats a lot of stress in itself. If I cant graduate, then what? I would have no degree, but Im still quick, intelligent, and most importantly: marketable. Id like to think Ill make it somehow, its just so ridiculous how many times Ive sidestepped my dreams to accomodate the hard work of it all, and my fucking roomates play World of Warcraft 16 hours a day, dont go to class, and the oblivious parents pick up the tab.
Hmmm . . . pot.
Hahahahahahahahaha . . . why am I wasting my time writing this? Talk about bullshit rumination about the future. Im too smart to ever wind up swilling around the dregs of humanity; regardless of anything, life will be good because I settle for nothing less.
I'd forgotten about these quotes and how much they meant to me once, like when Mom and Dad divorced, or when ECC kicked me out for being gay, or when TJ unexpectedly died.
"Everything - EVERYthing plays an important role. Nothing is without purpose and nothing is unintended. See the good. And if you can't see it. FIND it. Go, and FIND it . . . do not waste your time, seek truth. Seek life. Seek the things that level all your ferocity down to the moment you were born in a moment of tears, joy, sadness, wholeness, emptiness, TRUTH! And walk the path before you. Life is the most amazing thing I can conceive." - TJ
"The human being is forever in a state of change, forever becoming." - Simone de Beauvoir
"Wabi- sabi nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect." - Japanese ideal of the aesthetic
Rob and his hetero-fuckbuddy are going out tonight, and Im going to be with them. After I *finally* see Casino Royale that is. I work my easy-ass vacation of a job at the coffee bar for the next two days, Rochester for New Year's, back on Monday for the coffee bar, Liza night with Dave, finalize my school schedule (spend the last of my loan), and then another week off of work to relax.
Fun fun. Hmmm . . . pot . . .
Out -
Im back on the creatine. After four weeks of a cutting cycle, Im back to bulking up which means stacking the stuff (four glasses of the "fruit punch" flavored stuff every day for a week - ugh), which means by the time John gets back for spring semester, my abs should be coming in nicely. Or such is the plan, but the goddamn holidays are full of so much food and liquor that its hard to be good.
Speaking of being good, I met a guy. Dave is fantastic; smart, settled, funny, sexy. His whole thing is about being happy and fun - he brings out the relaxedness in me when I tend to be anal compulsively clean, organized, and prone to bullshit rumination about my future. He is, however, almost twice my age - what do I do with that? What does he do with it? I dont know if its more naive or hopeless to say there's a future with him - there's not, unless its a short one. So all I can do is try not to show how very addicted; how hung up on him I am. In the meantime, Im enjoying the ride of it all. I can learn a lot about him, about life, about careers, and especially about calming the fuck down to enjoy all those things, and until I figure out how interested he really is in me (I have doubts), he's a great guy to hang with and watch laugh. That alone could take until he moves. Like Gnarls said; When was the last time you danced?
I downloaded as much Phil Ochs today as I could find. Now all I need is some pot.
Hmmm . . . pot.
Ive gone to Toronto several times in the past few weeks. This December's been amazing, weather-wise; I think like .25" of snow or less. I have fun there, I see the sights, have some drinks, meet the guys, do the shopping. Ken Chan and Ive seen a lot of each other lately. We're friends now, which is far from where we started, but he's good company. One of the few under-25's Ive ever met thats as put-together as an over-35. But Im still just looking to get out of Buffalo.
If I really can only go to school for one more year, I will be a semester short of graduating with an Urban Policy Making degree and a Music minor. I feel like once I get my job-situation settled making good money at Wegmans, my housing-situation settled in a great apartment in Amherst with John, my family/financial situation falls apart. Fuck the fact that between my two jobs, PELL, and student loans my money stretches just short of getting me through school, and there is no other option for a boy with no credit from a financially fading family. Thats a lot of stress in itself. If I cant graduate, then what? I would have no degree, but Im still quick, intelligent, and most importantly: marketable. Id like to think Ill make it somehow, its just so ridiculous how many times Ive sidestepped my dreams to accomodate the hard work of it all, and my fucking roomates play World of Warcraft 16 hours a day, dont go to class, and the oblivious parents pick up the tab.
Hmmm . . . pot.
Hahahahahahahahaha . . . why am I wasting my time writing this? Talk about bullshit rumination about the future. Im too smart to ever wind up swilling around the dregs of humanity; regardless of anything, life will be good because I settle for nothing less.
I'd forgotten about these quotes and how much they meant to me once, like when Mom and Dad divorced, or when ECC kicked me out for being gay, or when TJ unexpectedly died.
"Everything - EVERYthing plays an important role. Nothing is without purpose and nothing is unintended. See the good. And if you can't see it. FIND it. Go, and FIND it . . . do not waste your time, seek truth. Seek life. Seek the things that level all your ferocity down to the moment you were born in a moment of tears, joy, sadness, wholeness, emptiness, TRUTH! And walk the path before you. Life is the most amazing thing I can conceive." - TJ
"The human being is forever in a state of change, forever becoming." - Simone de Beauvoir
"Wabi- sabi nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect." - Japanese ideal of the aesthetic
Rob and his hetero-fuckbuddy are going out tonight, and Im going to be with them. After I *finally* see Casino Royale that is. I work my easy-ass vacation of a job at the coffee bar for the next two days, Rochester for New Year's, back on Monday for the coffee bar, Liza night with Dave, finalize my school schedule (spend the last of my loan), and then another week off of work to relax.
Fun fun. Hmmm . . . pot . . .
Out -