I AM WHAT I AM
I AM WHAT I AM
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Of the ovation
It's my world that I want to have a little pride
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
Till I can say
I am what I am
I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am
Quelching my normal urge to deride the basic truth of these lyrics with an inappropriate and not particularly funny allusiuon to the gay-ness of it all, Ive decided instead to be normal for once. And by "normal" I mean "show a little emotion" and/or "be involved;" two things that I havent done in a while, especially not in anything as trivial as a Livejournal. There I go, berating something else.
Ive been sick for the past few days, and its kind of scaring me. Ive never been much of one for migraines, and since Wednesday Ive had incapacitating headaches. It feels like theres just incredible pressure in my head, and whenever I move things are shifting around in there, almost like fluid. Driving is the worst; pressure points develop and I get either a sharp pain or light-headed - for the first time in my life Ive been scared of fainting. But resting (today I slept for 7 hours, and Im still tired) makes it go completely away. So Ive deduced that its movement that gets it going. I dont know whats going to happen at work tomorrow.
I think this is life's way of paying me back for being such a beastly high-strung guy all of the time. Im always, always worrying about everything; about where people are and what theyre doing, about what Im doing, and with whom, and most of the time I worry so much because I dont have the courage or the lifestyle in which I call people to talk, or in fact, really for any reason. I get so stressed out because I get so lonely and then Im left with my own internal monologue and the long over-used self-medication-mantra of "Im fine. Im perfectly fine." I think this past month that got all wrapped up with the stress of the Rob situation, trying to please him without loving him the way he "loved" (or currently does "love") me, which became so I much I couldnt handle being in Melissa's play, so I quit, which in turn put a lot of stress on everybody in the cast which in turn, I worried about. All of that inflamed my depressive side, which Im still not used to admitting Ive got, having just really realized Ive been fairly depressed since about February.
For the last few weeks Ive ignored life in all shapes and forms and fallen into my usual pattern of telling everyone "Im fine" when the truth is there's a ball of rage and tears getting closer and closer to the surface every day that Im not with people, which is most of them. Im getting so tired of always being up in arms about things, and of often not being comfortable in normal social situations, like with people Ive known for a while or at the bars. Im tired of always having a fear of being "that guy," the caustic cloying one that invites himself along. In return for what Ive always hoped was being "tactful," Ive become the guy that never gets involved, youre never sure likes you, always vaguely seems to be out to impress, and says all the right things with his beautiful, clearly well-excersiced vocabulary at exactly the wrong times. Or at least this is what my inner monologue tells me.
No wonder its coming out through headaches.
Or, at least, it took some raging headaches to get me moving enough to think about these things.
"Life's not worth a damn
Till I can say
I am what I am"
I dont know who I am. I have nooo idea anymore. Being out of my head with pain and . . . and . . . okay, depression, maybe? . . . the last few days, Ive probably thought about this. But its also been the first time the inner monologue has shut up long enough to let me consider the alternatives, and Ive come to the conclusion that Im just too lost, and self-stressed, and out of touch with reality, and out of touch with . . . with people, I guess . . . to really know. I have just about no sense of self-worth; I have just about no sense of self, at all. I know a lot of that comes from my homosexuality; to this day my family wont talk about it; somewhere below my apathy, thats got to be a daily knock to my esteem. Even in my own mind, I cant begin to reconcile that - [a] Im Greg and [b] Im gay, and those two things occupy such totally different parts of my life, my mind, my soul, and my time that sometimes, when Im really feeling one of those qualities, I dont feel the other. Rare, beautiful, and totally enthralling are the few times when a person or a movie (Brokeback Mountain did it in spades, hence my addiction there) or a location makes me feel legitimately like both beings at once.
This summer's going to be for clearing the junk then. And for finally being a little bit honest to myself, and to my "friends;" the people that "know and love me" except how can they really, when I dont know or love me?
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Of the ovation
It's my world that I want to have a little pride
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
Till I can say
I am what I am
I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am
Quelching my normal urge to deride the basic truth of these lyrics with an inappropriate and not particularly funny allusiuon to the gay-ness of it all, Ive decided instead to be normal for once. And by "normal" I mean "show a little emotion" and/or "be involved;" two things that I havent done in a while, especially not in anything as trivial as a Livejournal. There I go, berating something else.
Ive been sick for the past few days, and its kind of scaring me. Ive never been much of one for migraines, and since Wednesday Ive had incapacitating headaches. It feels like theres just incredible pressure in my head, and whenever I move things are shifting around in there, almost like fluid. Driving is the worst; pressure points develop and I get either a sharp pain or light-headed - for the first time in my life Ive been scared of fainting. But resting (today I slept for 7 hours, and Im still tired) makes it go completely away. So Ive deduced that its movement that gets it going. I dont know whats going to happen at work tomorrow.
I think this is life's way of paying me back for being such a beastly high-strung guy all of the time. Im always, always worrying about everything; about where people are and what theyre doing, about what Im doing, and with whom, and most of the time I worry so much because I dont have the courage or the lifestyle in which I call people to talk, or in fact, really for any reason. I get so stressed out because I get so lonely and then Im left with my own internal monologue and the long over-used self-medication-mantra of "Im fine. Im perfectly fine." I think this past month that got all wrapped up with the stress of the Rob situation, trying to please him without loving him the way he "loved" (or currently does "love") me, which became so I much I couldnt handle being in Melissa's play, so I quit, which in turn put a lot of stress on everybody in the cast which in turn, I worried about. All of that inflamed my depressive side, which Im still not used to admitting Ive got, having just really realized Ive been fairly depressed since about February.
For the last few weeks Ive ignored life in all shapes and forms and fallen into my usual pattern of telling everyone "Im fine" when the truth is there's a ball of rage and tears getting closer and closer to the surface every day that Im not with people, which is most of them. Im getting so tired of always being up in arms about things, and of often not being comfortable in normal social situations, like with people Ive known for a while or at the bars. Im tired of always having a fear of being "that guy," the caustic cloying one that invites himself along. In return for what Ive always hoped was being "tactful," Ive become the guy that never gets involved, youre never sure likes you, always vaguely seems to be out to impress, and says all the right things with his beautiful, clearly well-excersiced vocabulary at exactly the wrong times. Or at least this is what my inner monologue tells me.
No wonder its coming out through headaches.
Or, at least, it took some raging headaches to get me moving enough to think about these things.
"Life's not worth a damn
Till I can say
I am what I am"
I dont know who I am. I have nooo idea anymore. Being out of my head with pain and . . . and . . . okay, depression, maybe? . . . the last few days, Ive probably thought about this. But its also been the first time the inner monologue has shut up long enough to let me consider the alternatives, and Ive come to the conclusion that Im just too lost, and self-stressed, and out of touch with reality, and out of touch with . . . with people, I guess . . . to really know. I have just about no sense of self-worth; I have just about no sense of self, at all. I know a lot of that comes from my homosexuality; to this day my family wont talk about it; somewhere below my apathy, thats got to be a daily knock to my esteem. Even in my own mind, I cant begin to reconcile that - [a] Im Greg and [b] Im gay, and those two things occupy such totally different parts of my life, my mind, my soul, and my time that sometimes, when Im really feeling one of those qualities, I dont feel the other. Rare, beautiful, and totally enthralling are the few times when a person or a movie (Brokeback Mountain did it in spades, hence my addiction there) or a location makes me feel legitimately like both beings at once.
This summer's going to be for clearing the junk then. And for finally being a little bit honest to myself, and to my "friends;" the people that "know and love me" except how can they really, when I dont know or love me?