asshole with a badge, volume 2!
I want to make it perfectly clear that I hate cops. I've hated them ever since a cop pulled me over, searched my car AND my person AND fined me 80 dollars for ROLLING A STOP SIGN. There are few people, I feel, who can hold a position of authority and use it wisely and fairly. They seem to like using their badges to bully people rather than protect and serve them. My experience on Tuesday evening did a lot to reinforce that opinion.
A bit of backstory: I'm in big trouble at the casino for attendance. They operate on a horribly conceived "points system" in which you are allotted a certain amount of points, and every no-show, call-in and late clock-in counts against you. You're allowed ten points before you're gone.
The point system is a travesty because they dish out points for absolutely everything. If you're absent for a week because of a debilitating illness, you get points for each day of absence. The "late points" are especially stupid because the point value for clocking in one minute late is the equal to the point value for clocking in an hour and a half late. Through several horrible injustices and a couple minute-late clockins, I'm sitting at 9 1/2 points. I can't clock in one second late any more or I'm fucked.
I was driving to work Tuesday evening when I noticed a cop car in front of me. Not surprisingly, it's going faster than the speed limit. I make a mental note to only go as fast as the cop car and I won't have any problem. I kind of forgot about him as I merged onto I-80, getting lost in my music and whatever was on my mind.
I heard a loud siren and craned my neck to find the car right behind me and the cop angrily gesturing for me to pull over to the side. I wanted it to be civil and painless. I calmly stopped the car and pulled out my driver's license and registration as he approached the car. I rolled down the window to find this ugly, bloated, red-faced, walking buzzcut wheezing and snorting in my grill. He looked straight out of the Ralph Steadman illustration of the "cop convention" scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
"DO YOU SEE MY BADGE? IT SAYS OMAHA POLICE."
"Isn't he bright? give him a gold star," I thought, suddenly realizing that Officer Clownshoes didn't want this to be civil. Even the guy that patted me down for rolling a stop sign had a congenial tone.
Yes.
"YOU DO NOT PASS A POLICE OFFICER. IT IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL."
"Maybe he doesn't deserve respect"
I lost track of you when I merged onto the interstate. I didn't realize I had passed you.
"GIVE ME YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION"
If you've seen Super Troopers, you would have fully expected him to add "CHICKEN FUCKER" to his over-rehearsed pig script. I gave a baffled nod and glance toward my license and reg, still very much extended in his face, and he rudely snatches it out of my hand.
He wheezed angrily as he looked over my credentials, myself wondering "Who pissed in this fucker's Big Gulp?"
"I CLOCKED YOU GOING AT 67 MILES PER HOUR. THAT'S 7 OVER THE SPEED LIMIT"
I gave an incredulous glance at the traffic absolutely flying past me. I got whiplash just watching them. First of all, total bullshit. Second of all, OHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO. I"m so glad you pulled me over; God knows how many lives I was endangering at such an uncontrollable speed!
I swore and beat my steering wheel as he took them to his car to...I don't know what they do in there, but it takes fucking forever.. After about 10 minutes of his just sitting in there, I make a frantic cell phone call to my supervisor.
"THIS FUCKING COP ASSHOLE PULLED ME OVER FOR GOING 7 MILES PER HOUR OVER THE FUCKING SPEED LIMITFH:FDHS:FHD:SAPFF," I informed him. "I honestly don't know how Kelly is going to react if you're late," he said.
I seethed in my car for about 15 minutes, occasionally looking back and throwing up my hands as if to say "what the fuck is the hold up?!"
He returned and I snatched the license and reg out of his hand, just like he did to me. "If you want to get in more trouble, keep giving me an attitude." I had to stifle my laughter...how do you produce evidence to the fact that I gave him an "attitude," and how is an "attitude" against the law as long as I'm cooperating?
I gave him a straight look and said "I'm not giving you an attitude." He stares me down for a couple of minutes and produces a ticket.
"7 MILES PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT IS 25 DOLLARS PLUS COURT COSTS IS 69!" What the fucking shit?
Not much of note happened after that, he gave me a lecture about breaking the speed limit (for fuck's sake), and sent me off.
I was so rattled by how I was treated, and how totally unnecessary it was to bully me, I couldn't even eat during my lunch break. I just sat there and stewed in my anger and frustration. Fucking cops.
Ironically I had to drive 80 MPH the rest of the way just to get to work on time.
A bit of backstory: I'm in big trouble at the casino for attendance. They operate on a horribly conceived "points system" in which you are allotted a certain amount of points, and every no-show, call-in and late clock-in counts against you. You're allowed ten points before you're gone.
The point system is a travesty because they dish out points for absolutely everything. If you're absent for a week because of a debilitating illness, you get points for each day of absence. The "late points" are especially stupid because the point value for clocking in one minute late is the equal to the point value for clocking in an hour and a half late. Through several horrible injustices and a couple minute-late clockins, I'm sitting at 9 1/2 points. I can't clock in one second late any more or I'm fucked.
I was driving to work Tuesday evening when I noticed a cop car in front of me. Not surprisingly, it's going faster than the speed limit. I make a mental note to only go as fast as the cop car and I won't have any problem. I kind of forgot about him as I merged onto I-80, getting lost in my music and whatever was on my mind.
I heard a loud siren and craned my neck to find the car right behind me and the cop angrily gesturing for me to pull over to the side. I wanted it to be civil and painless. I calmly stopped the car and pulled out my driver's license and registration as he approached the car. I rolled down the window to find this ugly, bloated, red-faced, walking buzzcut wheezing and snorting in my grill. He looked straight out of the Ralph Steadman illustration of the "cop convention" scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
"DO YOU SEE MY BADGE? IT SAYS OMAHA POLICE."
"Isn't he bright? give him a gold star," I thought, suddenly realizing that Officer Clownshoes didn't want this to be civil. Even the guy that patted me down for rolling a stop sign had a congenial tone.
Yes.
"YOU DO NOT PASS A POLICE OFFICER. IT IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL."
"Maybe he doesn't deserve respect"
I lost track of you when I merged onto the interstate. I didn't realize I had passed you.
"GIVE ME YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION"
If you've seen Super Troopers, you would have fully expected him to add "CHICKEN FUCKER" to his over-rehearsed pig script. I gave a baffled nod and glance toward my license and reg, still very much extended in his face, and he rudely snatches it out of my hand.
He wheezed angrily as he looked over my credentials, myself wondering "Who pissed in this fucker's Big Gulp?"
"I CLOCKED YOU GOING AT 67 MILES PER HOUR. THAT'S 7 OVER THE SPEED LIMIT"
I gave an incredulous glance at the traffic absolutely flying past me. I got whiplash just watching them. First of all, total bullshit. Second of all, OHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO. I"m so glad you pulled me over; God knows how many lives I was endangering at such an uncontrollable speed!
I swore and beat my steering wheel as he took them to his car to...I don't know what they do in there, but it takes fucking forever.. After about 10 minutes of his just sitting in there, I make a frantic cell phone call to my supervisor.
"THIS FUCKING COP ASSHOLE PULLED ME OVER FOR GOING 7 MILES PER HOUR OVER THE FUCKING SPEED LIMITFH:FDHS:FHD:SAPFF," I informed him. "I honestly don't know how Kelly is going to react if you're late," he said.
I seethed in my car for about 15 minutes, occasionally looking back and throwing up my hands as if to say "what the fuck is the hold up?!"
He returned and I snatched the license and reg out of his hand, just like he did to me. "If you want to get in more trouble, keep giving me an attitude." I had to stifle my laughter...how do you produce evidence to the fact that I gave him an "attitude," and how is an "attitude" against the law as long as I'm cooperating?
I gave him a straight look and said "I'm not giving you an attitude." He stares me down for a couple of minutes and produces a ticket.
"7 MILES PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT IS 25 DOLLARS PLUS COURT COSTS IS 69!" What the fucking shit?
Not much of note happened after that, he gave me a lecture about breaking the speed limit (for fuck's sake), and sent me off.
I was so rattled by how I was treated, and how totally unnecessary it was to bully me, I couldn't even eat during my lunch break. I just sat there and stewed in my anger and frustration. Fucking cops.
Ironically I had to drive 80 MPH the rest of the way just to get to work on time.