'if we built an armour for our tender bodies, could we love each other, would we strive to feel?'

[borg_princess]

Mother and I had a fight over the stupidest thing.

Comments

[queenofcups]

It's so strange that you would post today, when I have seriously just been thinking of you. I hope life on your own in your new place has been treating you kindly <3

"I can’t be the first one to speak, because I’m afraid of being rejected, y’know?" - OMG yes, this is my problem forever. After fights but also like, if I want to Skype with my boy, I never actually ask because he might say no, not even unkindly but just because he's doing something else or whatever, and I'll feel awful. It's ridiculous.

I'm sorry about your fight. It sucks to make plans and be set on doing something and then to just have it ruined. Even unintentionally. Mothers are very frustrating, and I totally sympathize with being unable to articulate your feelings properly when they're not being understood and you're being made to feel like they're silly. But it's good that she reached out even if for the wrong reason, and I am so, so happy and proud for you that you didn't hurt yourself. <333 That is truly wonderful. I hope you can have a proper catch-up with her soon.

yay for such a lot of things to be grateful for. I usually find that listing them out like that makes me feel happier, especially when they outnumber the negative things. I hope you continue to have heaps and heaps of good things to overpower the negative.

[borg_princess]

Aww, that's sweet. *hugs* I appreciate that, and yes, I've been doing well in the new place! The only bump lately has been a change in rental agency- that was the letter mother came to read; I was with one agency, and then I got a notification that apparently the landlord had switched to another, so now I'm a bit stressed over the bank details and such, but I think it's going to work out. I went into the bank today and sorted some of that out, and I think the rest is going to fall into place easily enough. ^_^ POSITIVE THINKING, WHOO.

if I want to Skype with my boy, I never actually ask because he might say no, not even unkindly but just because he's doing something else or whatever, and I'll feel awful

TOTALLY. I mean, not that I Skype, but it's that fear that you'll put yourself out there and then the other person doesn't have time or can't be bothered or any number of reasonable (or not) excuses that leaves you feeling small and insignificant. >_< I wish I could be the cool, easygoing person who's all calm and detached and 'it ain't no big deal', but lol, that'll never be me!

The whole thing was so ridic. It boiled down to 'I love you and I miss you and I just want to spend time with you', so having a fight over it was so counterproductive. But I honestly wasn't trying to be sulky or anything, just...IDK, I think she prob picked up on my mood and it fanned the flames of hers or something? It shouldn't have gotten to that stage, gah.

it's good that she reached out even if for the wrong reason...I hope you can have a proper catch-up with her soon

I know. I wish she understood, but I figured her making the first move was the most important part, and in my reply, I explained it to her that I was just disappointed she wasn't staying because I wanted to talk with her about stuff. And then she asked if she could come today 'for a proper visit', so all is well. ^_^

I think she has this thing where now that I've moved out, she doesn't want to be on the outs with me, y'know. 'coz one time when we were kind of- we hadn't fought or argued or anything, just were a bit icy with each other, and a little while later, she texted me to say 'good night'. So I think she just wants to make sure that I don't go thinking I can't turn to her if there's a problem or anything, no matter what's gone down between us. Which...yeah. ♥ She might bug me a lot sometimes, but damn, I'm lucky to have her.

I am so, so happy and proud for you that you didn't hurt yourself. <333 That is truly wonderful

Thank you. ♥ I was in tears and I grabbed the scissors, because for so long, that's been my default response. I'm in pain, I'll inflict pain on myself and it'll make everything else go away. And then I just thought, 'Hang on, I'm away from my father now, and the only thing that's wrong now is that my mother didn't get why I was disappointed and she didn't stay for a visit. If that's the worst thing in my life, then things aren't actually that bad, are they?'

That was what broke the cycle, so yeah. Bit silly to say this, but I'm kinda proud, lol.

Yes! I wanted to have something to counterbalance the angsty part of the entry, and when I looked through my list of things I mean to post about (eventually), I found a bunch of things from lately to be squeeful over! It's easy to lose sight of that with just one bad thing happening, but then I look at that list and it's like, wow, I am pretty lucky. ^_^