(no subject)
the lights are blinding in a way that makes the desk hard to see. marks on my hand, bandaid on my finger, my hair a mess. the sound of the keys as i press each letter down quickly with my index fingers, watching them in a mix that doesn't make sense, and its almost a race. how fast can i type the words that come to my head and intertwine with such awkwardness. today my face turned scarlet, and i felt the eyes on me. it might have been concentration that made thier eyebrows furrow, but at the time i was conviced that i was being made a mockery by judging eyes. and my feet tapped and tapped, and i shook, and i swaggered. and i faked an excuse so i could just outside and breathe! the air, oh the air, so satisfying. because when you are in a room with 25 to 30 other kids, you can feel the sickness drifting closer and closer to your lungs as you inhale for each and every breath. my head hurts now and it will hurt more tomorrow, and im really unsure, and i wish someone would set my mind at ease. and we need to talk, but to one it is unknown. and i need to get these thoughts clear, but all i can hear is the punk rock playing and repeating in my head like the ringing of ears after a loud and vivacious concert. the kind you come home from with sweat dripping from your back, and an odor of perspiration and cigarettes. the ringing is what i have felt, and the buzzing. the buzzing never stops, as i have told you before. and i could swear i heard a knock on the door that night, but it was probably just the wind. she reminded me of the vodka nights when everything was a haze, and then punk rock just increases the nostalgia. they used to make fun of me because i didnt want to smoke weed. i was always too afraid to exit reality, and now im so eager for the chance of escape. those days read like a novel. a real fucked up non fiction. we cant forget what happened those days. when she almost fell down the stairs. when he tried to jump off the roof after she told him she wanted to see other people. when he went to jail. when scars were created, and the embers turned to dust.