Mar 25, 2005 04:46
I hate feeling all emo, i'd managed to avoid it mostly the last couple of months even if February conspired against me in all ways, but the last week has just been a great big ball of blah. Weird time of year for it too, it's just become spring, we're actually getting decent warm weather with some actual sunny days and all i wanna do is watch cheesy shows like the O.C. and then sleep. At least i'll be visiting my sister on Sunday for Easter, seeing my niece always puts a smile on my face, she really is the cutest kid ever. I am however totally evil even when it comes to her, while she has quite a big vocabulary there are a few words that she mispronounces, one of which is chocolate. Now she doesn't even bother trying to say the whole word, just the first syllable choc, but she has trouble pronouncing the h in there, so it ends up being.... well you get the idea. So, whenever someone gives her some chocolate, which she loves, she always goes around saying she wants more "choc"... much to the amusement of everyone around her. Of course she sees everyone laughing at this, so of course she keeps on saying it. It's so wrong to laugh at, but it really is one of the funniest things to witness.
So, 5 video stores and 0 copies of Texas Rangers means no part 2 of Texas Rangers, i will give a brief recap of the last part of the movie from what i remember. After the tear-inducing(but for the wrong reason) Dawson trying to quit scene we fast forward to where a scout has spotted some bad guys in a camp up ahead. They decide to ambush this base but just to give the bad guys a fighting chance instead of taking there entire force or even a mix of veteran and new recruits they decide that the Dying captain, his 2nd in command, Usher as the black scout they think can't shoot a gun plus the 2 worst recruits they have in Dawson and Ashton. So they go in guns a'blazin with the captain and 2nd in command killing guys left and right while Dawson and Ashton miss every person they shoot at. Eventually we get to a point where they're all pinned down by a machine gun and onlysomeone with the greatest aim ever can save them. So usher grabs a rifle, pops out and nails the machine gunner proving to be the best shooeter ever and earning everyones praise and making everyone feel good about themselves and now that his plot point is done he's barely seen again except for comedy relief. I think it's at this point that they find a couple of tied up girls, who only speak spanish, so they take them with them.
So they continue on there way and once again they spot some bad guys camped. This time because there's like 5 more baddies they decide that everyone should go attack, which is a bad decision for them as the dastardley dr. octopu..errr alfred molina has set up an ambush and there's really like 20 bad guys in the camp. well supposedly there's 200 but we never see more then 5 on screen at a time, they had over $30 mil to make this movie with no real special effects and no explosions but they can't hire a few more extras? ANyways, once again they go in guns a'blazing (who needs a strategic plan when your captain has a ftal disease and is gonna die anyways?) Again they kill the first few bad guys, but then the other 4 bad guys jump out of the trees and get the jump on them. While all this is going on Dawson gets knocked off his horse while he still has yet to actually get a kill missing on every shot. He finally does get a kill however as some dumb bad guy walks up to him and then from a distance of about 3 feets gets shot by Dawson who now acts like he's some kind of badass. Captain Cough sees the Rangers are getting owned by like 3 people and calls a retreat. Dawson gets a clear shot at doc oc, but for some reason just decides to watch him get away instead. Which makes absolutely no sense, but i guess they needed the evil villain to live longer.
Anyways, they all retreat back to some farm, why they picked that farm or why the people who live at that farm accept them in is never really explained, but then by now the things they don't explain actually make more sense then the things they do. At this point the film really goes topsy turvy as the farm suddenly gets invaded by aliens...oh wait, no, that's just Rachel Leigh Cook whose face looks way to small for her enormous head. Seriously, if you painted her face grey and made her eyes just a little bigger and she'd look like the classic alien, it's disturbing. So, they all eat dinner there and afterwards Dawson tries to hit on Alien RLC but she turns him down as she finds the Texas Rangers barbaric. Yes, a special task force of police officers gathered to capture someone who guns down entire towns and steals cattle are barbabric. Anyways, she ends her anti-violence public service announcement and Dawson, knowing Ashton also has hots and wants to get probed by the alien, tells her that Ashton is one of the best gunmen and has shot dozens of men. He then leaves to go tell his only real friend that the girl he's interested in likes the manly man who can shoot. This is the guy we're supposed to cheer for, the entire movie basically points to Dawson being the one good guy who will bring balance to the west and have his siter kiss him, even though they don't know there brother and sister at that point just to piss off the smuggler..err wait, wrong movie. Anyways Dawson is supposed to be the #1 good guy and yet he's screwing over his friend for an alien that has no interest in him. I really think there must have been multiple script writers for this movie and none of them had any talent.
While all this goes on, the captain keeps coughing to let us know that he creeps ever closer to his death and this latest massacre he lead has him contemplating giving up. But the next morning he wakes to gunshots and he goes nad looks out the window to see Dawson, who still has never been able to hit a target further then 3 feet and who was the captain's writer which must have made him seem like even less of a man to the rest of the Rangers, err where was i? i get too involved in my Dawson bashing. Anyways, this totaly unqualified git has gotten together the rest of the Rangers and some replacements and has begun training them. This of course inspires the captain *who once again coughs so as we not forget his condition* to once again lead his Rangers into battle. Of course they have no idea where the 8 limbed freak octav..errr alfread molina is, but wait, here's a brilliant idea, let's ask the spanish speaking girl if she knows. Oh my god, it's a miracle, she can actually speak english! What luck for our heroes.
Honestly the rest of the movie is so bad you don't really want to know what happens. Bsically the mexican woman double crosses them but they escape back, the mexican woman admits what she did, but she did it because otherwise they would kill people at her village. Brief interlude where the alien finds AShton and Dawson bathing together in a scene that should never have been filmed and which to this day still makes my eyeballs burn. The Rangers then illegally cross over the border to get at alfred molina, but not for revenge like captain cough would like but because it's the right thing to do sayeth Dawson. Of course in the battle all of a sudden Dawson becomes a pimp shooter and is shooting people left and right, and even saves captain cough and convinces him to do what's right and bring molina in instead of killing him. Of course what bad guy can resist ruining a touching momemnt like that by trying to kill the good guys but captain cough gets the last laugh as he kills molina instead. They go back to the farm who again let this big group of strangers pillage all there food. Ashton ends up destroying the human population by having alien children with RLC and the captain goes and dies, but that would be too sad an ending, so before he does he has to make sure we all know what a great man Dawson is. He then gives a big cough and dies. The credits roll and i cheer as i finally don't have to think of this movie again. The big surprise is how awful this movie did in the theatres, it made less then $1,000,000 worldwide despite opening in over 2000 theatres. Damn, that was a lot longer then planned and not nearly as entertaining as i'd hoped. It's actually too long for me to bother fixing typos, so live with them =Þ