(no subject)
What if i'm not good enough? This question has been plaguing me for some time now, my whole life really. What if I'm not good enough to graduate, what if I'm a terrible teacher, what if I have kids and I screw them up so bad they wish they hadn't been born, or others wish they hadn't. What if I'm not good enough to be loved, or to breathe the air I breathe? What if I'm not good enough for my parents to be proud, for them to think i'm worth the money they've spent. What if I fail? What if I do my best and fall flat on my face and I can't get up? I've always questioned why people hang out with me, I've always assumed I'm some sort of pity friend. I've been told that I'll always have troubles with relationships until I work out all my issues. What if I'm not good enough at working them out. What if my life turns out to be a waste of energy? What if i'm not good enough to get better?
John called the other day, he left a message. It's so weird to hear his voice, it's like he's in my past, even though he's still alive and still my older brother. There are times I think that maybe we'll start getting along, but there's a part of me that thinks I won't be able to handle it. He's doing all this really cool stuff, like interviewing Colin Powell, and if it were anyone else I know I'd be calling them all the time, asking them so many questions, but with John it's different, everything seems so forced and I don't know what to do to make it better.
I haven't talked to Mike in forever, even though he sucks at phone conversations it's nice to hear his voice. I miss him a lot, last semester we talked almost every day. I think I should see this lack of communication as a good thing. He's found friends at school, he's gotten over Natalie, and he's happy. He no longer needs me to make him feel better, he already feels good. Somehow I feel like knowing that should make me care less, but it doesn't, I still miss his calls, and the kid does not answer his cell phone, ever. Luckily Easter is coming up and it'll be just like when we were kids, sitting on the couch arguing over the remote and begging each other to get up and get us something.
Well this has been quite the collossal downer and I have so much shit to do I can't even think, so you know, I should probably do some of it.
John called the other day, he left a message. It's so weird to hear his voice, it's like he's in my past, even though he's still alive and still my older brother. There are times I think that maybe we'll start getting along, but there's a part of me that thinks I won't be able to handle it. He's doing all this really cool stuff, like interviewing Colin Powell, and if it were anyone else I know I'd be calling them all the time, asking them so many questions, but with John it's different, everything seems so forced and I don't know what to do to make it better.
I haven't talked to Mike in forever, even though he sucks at phone conversations it's nice to hear his voice. I miss him a lot, last semester we talked almost every day. I think I should see this lack of communication as a good thing. He's found friends at school, he's gotten over Natalie, and he's happy. He no longer needs me to make him feel better, he already feels good. Somehow I feel like knowing that should make me care less, but it doesn't, I still miss his calls, and the kid does not answer his cell phone, ever. Luckily Easter is coming up and it'll be just like when we were kids, sitting on the couch arguing over the remote and begging each other to get up and get us something.
Well this has been quite the collossal downer and I have so much shit to do I can't even think, so you know, I should probably do some of it.