Something Deeper 1/?
Title: Something Deeper
Rating: PG-13 possible light R
Genre: Angst
Length: 1949 words
Spoilers: Season 1
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Glee but sadly I don't.
Summary: Written for this prompt at the glee_angst_meme.
Something Deeper
Ever since she slept with Finn, Santana had started thinking about her life. Sure she was popular, head cheerleader, and ruled the school with her best friend by her side, but what did she have to show for it relationship wise? She was tired of the random hook ups and all the losers trying to get a peek up her skirt. When she first had this realization she wondered what the hell was wrong with her, and then realized that it was exactly what Finn had said: it didn’t mean anything. None of these flings had meant anything and she wanted something more.
It made her think of Brittany, and just thinking of the blonde filled her with an emotion that she couldn’t describe. All she knew was that whenever she was around Brittany she was happy and wanted to be around her always. Santana wondered if this is what love felt like because if it was, she could really get used to it.
All of this introspection brought her to the present. It was Saturday night and she was lying on her bed with Brittany spooning her as they both watched TV. Santana wasn’t paying much attention to the show as she was distracted by Brittany’s breath on her neck and the hand that was making lazy patterns on her stomach.
“I love you S.” Brittany mumbled as she snuggled into Santana’s neck which made her smile.
“I love you, too.”
It was something so simple, they said it to each other all the time, but this time it was different; this time it made Santana feel different. They both sat in silence before Santana gathered up the courage to speak.
“I want sex to be dating.”
Brittany’s hand froze, “We talked about this S. Sex isn’t dating.”
Santana swallowed; sure when she had brought this up when they first slept together Brittany had decided this and effectively put an end to the conversation, but Santana wanted a real answer now.
“I know, but I want us to date.” She felt Brittany move away from her, making Santana sit up to face her.
“Why? What’s wrong with the way things are now?”
“I want an actual relationship, B. I want us to be able to kiss in the hallways and I don’t want to sleep with other people.” She was seriously tired of hiding and sneaking around lost its thrill after the first few months.
Brittany frowned, “But what about my perfect make out record?”
It was Santana’s turn to frown now, “Is that really what you’re concerned with right now? I’m baring my soul to you and telling you that I want to be with you, and all you can think about is not being able to make out with strangers?! Who cares?”
“I care! Plus we do all that stuff anyways I don’t see why everything has to change.”
Santana was frustrated now, she didn’t want to entertain the thought that Brittany was just like everyone else. This was one of the times that Santana wished she was better at using words to express her feelings.
“I want it to mean something when we sleep together, Brit.”
Brittany’s face scrunched up in confusion, “Why does it have to mean anything? It’s fun.”
“Fun?”
“Yeah, it’s just sex San, it doesn’t mean anything.” That damn phrase again, “it didn’t mean anything”, Finn said the same thing, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as it did now. Santana looked down at her lap; it hurt to find out that Brittany really was just like all the other people she slept with, that she was basically just a piece of ass to get off on.
“But you always tell me that you love me.” She knew she sounded desperate, grabbing at straws, and hated that she was falling apart.
“And I do love you; I’m just not in love with you San.” She broke, she could feel the tears falling down her check and damn, if she felt this bad, no wonder people hated breaking up. It hurt to even look at Brittany now, Santana was sure that she couldn’t continue to sleep with Brittany: that had to stop.
“Then I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Do what anymore?” She could tell Brittany was upset by her tears, but the girl was stomping on her heart at the moment.
“Whatever the fuck it is that we’re doing!!” She knows she’s probably not making much sense but she wants nothing more than for Brittany to leave. She was heartbroken; Brittany wasn’t in love with her, she didn’t feel the same way that she did. Suddenly Santana found it very hard to breathe as she desperately held back the flood of tears that wanted to break free. She could tell that Brittany was speaking, she was sure that Brittany asked her a question and was expecting an answer, but Santana couldn’t think. She could only sit there and try not to break down completely. Just as she felt she was calm enough to speak, Brittany leapt off the bed in tears as she grabbed her things and ran from the room. Santana was confused but could do nothing but break down in tears and cry herself to sleep.
They hadn’t spoke to each other for the rest of the weekend and Santana didn’t know what felt worse: having her affections shot down or being out of contact with Brittany. Walking the halls of McKinley without Brittany by her side felt lonely and weird, like she was doing something unnatural. But Santana pushed the feeling down and ignored it. She also noticed that she hadn’t seen Brittany all day and a small part of her was grateful.
It wasn’t until she was heading to cheerio practice that Santana met a very angry Quinn Fabray. Santana was forced to stop when ex-cheerleader blocked her path.
“Sup, preggers?”
“Don’t ‘sup, preggers’ me, what the hell did you do to Brittany?”
Okay, random topic. Santana wondered what the hell Quinn was going on about, “What?”
“Don’t stand there confused, Lopez. Why the hell has Brittany spent the entire day crying in the choir room? What did you do?”
Santana was wondering the same thing but at least she knew where Brittany was all day, wait, why the hell is she being blamed for Brittany crying?
“I don’t know, Q, have you tried asking her? And why is it automatically assumed that I did something?”
“You always do something-“
Santana immediately started to ignore her after that because why the hell should she care what Juno thought about her anyways. Santana continued to stand there as Quinn talked to her, but Santana was completely distracted by some of the jocks tossing slushies and giving wedgies. It was a very funny sight.
“-saying that you guys weren’t friends anymore-“
Santana blinked, had she heard that correctly? They weren’t friends anymore? When the fuck did that happen?
“-fix it. Are you even listening to me?”
Santana realized that she hardly heard a thing Quinn said, but one could forgive her seeing as she apparently just lost her best friend. It was at that point that Santana realized it: she and Brittany were no longer friends. Her best and only friend since third fucking grade was no longer her friend and didn’t even have the balls to tell her. No, she had to find out from Quinn-fucking-Fabray in the middle of a crowded hallway that her life had just changed forever. It was enough to knock her breathless and Santana didn’t know how to deal with it, so she walked away as Quinn yelled at her to fix things with Brittany.
Walking into the gym Santana could easily pick out Brittany from the rest of the cheerleaders. She was off by herself stretching and Santana noticed that her eyes were read and puffy. The others were trying to make the usually bubbly blonde cheer up, but nothing was working and Santana was too hurt and upset to do anything about it. She was content to just ignore Brittany and focus on practice.
It was going well until Brittany missed a step. Actually it was more than a step, she messed up the entire dance routine and everyone was too shocked to move. Brittany never messed up, not even when she was learning a dance for the first time, the girl was dance personified. Seeing her mess up now was frightening and Santana could hear her team mates exclaim that hell had officially frozen over and that the world was going to end. Santana thought they were being a bit over dramatic, but couldn’t help but feel that something bad was going to happen as Brittany ran from the gym crying and everyone looked at her for an explanation.
Santana woke up,wondering when she fell asleep. She also wondered why her head felt like it had just been slammed it into a locker. She groaned and started to rub her head.
“I’m glad to see that you decided to join us in the land of the living.”
Santana nearly jumped out of her skin and turned to see Coach Sylvester sitting in her chair like it was some sort of throne, glaring at her like she just threatened to kill her cat.
“As amusing as it is to strike fear into children; to see one of my cheerios actually faint when I charge after them with a hatred that burns hotter than the deepest pits of hell, is disgusting. I am even more appalled that it was my head cheerio that fainted and I had to drag your sorry ass out of the gym.”
Santana had a brief flash of that moment; it was truly horrifying. She had never seen Coach Sylvester ever look that angry before, and considering who she’s talking about, that was saying something. She didn’t even want to think about the weird-ass theories the school would come up with at the sight of Coach dragging her unconscious body through the hallways to her office.
Sue leaned forward and tented her fingers in front of her, “Care to explain to me why my best dancer has suddenly become unable to perform even the simplest of dance routines when it caused her no trouble before?”
Why were people asking her this? Why the hell didn’t people go talk to Brittany? Santana didn’t realize she said this out loud until she saw Coach Sylvester sneer at her.
“Why? Because you’re her best friend and I need my star dancer back in shape in time for Nationals. I really don’t care why she’s unhappy, I just need to fix things like you always do so I can have my team back.”
Santana wondered how the hell she was supposed to do that when they weren’t even friends anymore. It hurt to be around Brittany let alone find out what was making her upset and try to fix it. Why couldn’t someone else do it? Why was she the one that everyone looked to? Brittany had plenty of other friends they should get off their asses and do something about it.
“What if I can’t, coach?”
“Excuse me? You will fix things and if you don’t the suicides that I’m going to be making you run a half hour before practice is going to feel like an act of mercy compared to the hell your life will become if you don’t.”
Santana gulped and nodded before Sue sent her on her way. Walking down the hallway by herself, Santana couldn’t help but feel that she really was screwed.