reminiscing and still awakening..please understand
the past weekend...indescribable. one might think it was an epiphany. i do to...but one i will ignore.
Friday... as i wrote before i was high strung but i had no thought even in my sub conscience that the day would turn out to be that way. most of it spent sniffing, sniveling, and squalling. it was most likely effects of our stolen merchandise (and the loss of a love one)...althought my emotions raged at the same time my eyes were being pryed open. there sitting on the bench next to the pool. my best friend at my side we sat and weeped and talked. we didn't even have to talk because we understood eachother so well and completely. we were crying because we feel inadequate and purposeless but really i can conclude that one reason we are here is for eachother.
Saturday... even after the night before we do not change. it's impossible. even after my realization that i am nothing... i'm definitely nothing with out these materials. quite irritating...spending all night searching and searching. when you find it, it's over and someone ends up crying in the night and one's lost in the morning.
SUNDAY...first day of conformation and a gruesome encounter. we are all scared for ourselves and afraid that what we have will be taken away. you wonder what life would be like without it..you just don't want to live like that.
do yourself a favor...DO NOT SEE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. i am not a believer but if you have some sense of emotion you will want to die. if god is real then why is the world such a horrible place? everything that's beautiful is taken away with all the strife and evil. all the dying and violence. if he's real i don't want to believe because i don't want to give up. but if he's not i want to die because i want a purpose and i don't want to go on living when all it is is just a "race against death". my friend asked me why i should care. i used to not care but really it seems so horrible to not because if you are living here and there is nothing after death then why are you here in the first place. why would you wait it out when it's just going to be darkness. when you can't feel,see, touch, tell time, not even dream. you should care...but i know how it feels not to...really fucking good...that's why i don't give up...i would just like to believe and know the truth