(no subject)
Some time in August...
Talking to my neice made me realize how much of a reflective mood I'm in...
Several things pass my mind.
Frist, what the hell is happening to the kids today? I hate being one of those adults (if I can even call myself that) who look at those who are younger than them and automatically label them as kids - kids being the condescending word for the absolutley oblivious to life. I've been surrounded by people younger than me a bit more lately, and the only thing that crosses my mind while I'm with them is, "God I was so much wiser and substantial than you are," and how much more do I need to endure of this cruel and unsual punishment?
There is a fine line between that admirable childlike innocence of being young at heart and having no inhibitions to that borning mundane adult life.
Second, as I'm looking through profile pictures on my Facebook do I realize how far away I feel from myself, and it's almost scary. It was sort of like having an outter body experience. Perhaps this is why I never come onto Facebook - anxiety and fear.
[so this was written about a month ago. my computer crashed as i wrote it and i never thought that i could get it back... my thoughts aren't too far off from where i left off so i suppose it's too good a introduction to waste..]
Current time: 12:10 am on Wednesday, September 8th
Tomorrow is the first day to four years of my life. More like the prologue...
I have this crazy anxiety feeling about school that I've been missing out on for years. I've made lists and checked them twice: I did a thorough clean out of my room, which resulted in three recycling bins full of paper and boxes, I've bought my books, found out where my classes are (somewhat...I know where they are on the map, but as for campus...), and lastly bought and organized school supplies for the year. Check, check, and check.
I should be up at 8 this morning, but after finding a strange bug in my bed earlier today my fear has led to writing.
York. My program. The people. My dreadful experience. I don't want to knock it already...I need to go into this whole new experience with an open mind and minimal to zero expectations if I want this to work; and for the most part I think I do. Although walking into orientation was something of a different experience. My conception of being a well rounded individual is deffinitely put to the test when I'm in thrown into a room full of kids I have nothing in common with. Race, social class, morals, ethics...not that I've dug that deep with the first 5 seconds of being thrown into a hall full of at least a hundred kids, but I got a good gut feeling about this. I'm half Filipino half Serbian, and throughout my whole entire life I've never really identified myself as that, I never reall identified myself as anything really, I always just identified myself as Oriel...but walking into that hall my comfort levels were sinking down panic attack. Naturally I found myself sitting next to one of the only black girls in the room and not wanting to move. This was going to be a whole new expierence for me. Dealing and asscociating myself with the majority, who ironically have been the minority my whole entire life. Put that on an episode of The Outter Limits.
Which brings me to my next thought on this whole experience. Do I come off as some sort of alien freak? Am I unapproachable? Is it because I'm a "minority"? Do I give off some strange vibe? Could it be that I'm intimidating, or do I just come off as a straight up bitch? I think I'm nice, I'm social, I'm friendly... Why the hell is it so hard for people to talk to me?! Fine, I won't be the victim... "why can't you talk to them..?" My answer is this. I'm much better off observing than engaging. And I'm not good with small talk. I guess I live in a bubble after all... I've never really quite fit in.
Talking to my neice made me realize how much of a reflective mood I'm in...
Several things pass my mind.
Frist, what the hell is happening to the kids today? I hate being one of those adults (if I can even call myself that) who look at those who are younger than them and automatically label them as kids - kids being the condescending word for the absolutley oblivious to life. I've been surrounded by people younger than me a bit more lately, and the only thing that crosses my mind while I'm with them is, "God I was so much wiser and substantial than you are," and how much more do I need to endure of this cruel and unsual punishment?
There is a fine line between that admirable childlike innocence of being young at heart and having no inhibitions to that borning mundane adult life.
Second, as I'm looking through profile pictures on my Facebook do I realize how far away I feel from myself, and it's almost scary. It was sort of like having an outter body experience. Perhaps this is why I never come onto Facebook - anxiety and fear.
[so this was written about a month ago. my computer crashed as i wrote it and i never thought that i could get it back... my thoughts aren't too far off from where i left off so i suppose it's too good a introduction to waste..]
Current time: 12:10 am on Wednesday, September 8th
Tomorrow is the first day to four years of my life. More like the prologue...
I have this crazy anxiety feeling about school that I've been missing out on for years. I've made lists and checked them twice: I did a thorough clean out of my room, which resulted in three recycling bins full of paper and boxes, I've bought my books, found out where my classes are (somewhat...I know where they are on the map, but as for campus...), and lastly bought and organized school supplies for the year. Check, check, and check.
I should be up at 8 this morning, but after finding a strange bug in my bed earlier today my fear has led to writing.
York. My program. The people. My dreadful experience. I don't want to knock it already...I need to go into this whole new experience with an open mind and minimal to zero expectations if I want this to work; and for the most part I think I do. Although walking into orientation was something of a different experience. My conception of being a well rounded individual is deffinitely put to the test when I'm in thrown into a room full of kids I have nothing in common with. Race, social class, morals, ethics...not that I've dug that deep with the first 5 seconds of being thrown into a hall full of at least a hundred kids, but I got a good gut feeling about this. I'm half Filipino half Serbian, and throughout my whole entire life I've never really identified myself as that, I never reall identified myself as anything really, I always just identified myself as Oriel...but walking into that hall my comfort levels were sinking down panic attack. Naturally I found myself sitting next to one of the only black girls in the room and not wanting to move. This was going to be a whole new expierence for me. Dealing and asscociating myself with the majority, who ironically have been the minority my whole entire life. Put that on an episode of The Outter Limits.
Which brings me to my next thought on this whole experience. Do I come off as some sort of alien freak? Am I unapproachable? Is it because I'm a "minority"? Do I give off some strange vibe? Could it be that I'm intimidating, or do I just come off as a straight up bitch? I think I'm nice, I'm social, I'm friendly... Why the hell is it so hard for people to talk to me?! Fine, I won't be the victim... "why can't you talk to them..?" My answer is this. I'm much better off observing than engaging. And I'm not good with small talk. I guess I live in a bubble after all... I've never really quite fit in.