Oh, sweetie pie, those are an awful many thinkie thoughts for a Sunday afternoon...
I have found that often it is actually more effective to let things 'grow' rather than to push yourself to make it happen. As you said, normally there is a reason why people are the way they are, and the way they act and behave is just an expression of that. So you have an anxious temperament, and that influences how you express yourself and gives you your individual style. (For example, I love you vids because they are very emotionally engaging.)If you yourself are unhappy with your output (rather than just other people pointing it out to you) then I'd suggest you try to focus on the underlying anxiety, rather than tackling the outward expression of it. And that kind of loops back to the first point (letting it grow rather than pushing it). Obviously, that takes much longer than just trying to learn to raise your feet correctly, but it's the more natural way of doing things.
Me, personally, I am always weary if people make the assumption there is a right or wrong way to do things, or that one is inherently better than another. Particularly if they than start to feel insecure about what they are doing, and it impedes on their creativity. Look at TV: I love slow, thinky, talky shows like In Treatment and Rubicon. They are stimulating and intriguing. But it would be a total tragedy for me if Joss Whedon had abandoned Buffy because it's too vibrant, fun and cheesy, or they would have binned The Vampire Diaries because it's not serious and brainy enough. Because the enjoyment I get out of those is is more than equal to the former two.
In summary: Don't be so freakin' hard on yourself. Trying to learn new stuff is okay, but it does NOT mean that what you're doing at the moment isn't great stuff.
Alas I have found that I do not grow at all, I just wallow around, if I don't push myself! ;) I am very lazy at heart. :) I really like your advice about tackling the inner problem not the outward expression though! I should say that my dance teacher and my betas are very gentle with me--it's less that they are saying I'm doing it wrong and more that they're letting me know what the impact for the audience is and then I'm deciding I don't want that impact, that I would rather it was softer (because I honestly didn't know).
I think overall I'm probably still going to be mainly drawn to non-subtle subject matter... and for that my natural style is probably going to be ok. But I do have this longing to explore this other kind of side or style as well... I need to find a way to do that without my self-esteem taking such a beating. It is in a pretty poor state at the moment and I can't remember how I used to shore myself up! I know some of this is just the natural cycle of despair and exhaustion I feel at the end of a big project, but some of it is deeper than that. It is a puzzle! (And thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts--it is a comfort!)
I have found that often it is actually more effective to let things 'grow' rather than to push yourself to make it happen. As you said, normally there is a reason why people are the way they are, and the way they act and behave is just an expression of that. So you have an anxious temperament, and that influences how you express yourself and gives you your individual style. (For example, I love you vids because they are very emotionally engaging.)If you yourself are unhappy with your output (rather than just other people pointing it out to you) then I'd suggest you try to focus on the underlying anxiety, rather than tackling the outward expression of it. And that kind of loops back to the first point (letting it grow rather than pushing it). Obviously, that takes much longer than just trying to learn to raise your feet correctly, but it's the more natural way of doing things.
Me, personally, I am always weary if people make the assumption there is a right or wrong way to do things, or that one is inherently better than another. Particularly if they than start to feel insecure about what they are doing, and it impedes on their creativity. Look at TV: I love slow, thinky, talky shows like In Treatment and Rubicon. They are stimulating and intriguing. But it would be a total tragedy for me if Joss Whedon had abandoned Buffy because it's too vibrant, fun and cheesy, or they would have binned The Vampire Diaries because it's not serious and brainy enough. Because the enjoyment I get out of those is is more than equal to the former two.
In summary: Don't be so freakin' hard on yourself. Trying to learn new stuff is okay, but it does NOT mean that what you're doing at the moment isn't great stuff.
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I think overall I'm probably still going to be mainly drawn to non-subtle subject matter... and for that my natural style is probably going to be ok. But I do have this longing to explore this other kind of side or style as well... I need to find a way to do that without my self-esteem taking such a beating. It is in a pretty poor state at the moment and I can't remember how I used to shore myself up! I know some of this is just the natural cycle of despair and exhaustion I feel at the end of a big project, but some of it is deeper than that. It is a puzzle! (And thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts--it is a comfort!)
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