Recently I've been noticing and trying to trying to deconstruct the many layers of fear I have wrapped around vidding. ( cut for boring introspective stuff )
Ok, now what you need to do is see how self-destructive and pointless it is...
When my sister came visiting last February I told her about my vidding issues a bit and she said that vidding for me is similar to painting/drawing for her - it allows to validate your own feelings, especially when others reject them. It's an emotional prop in a way. She said I have to be very honest about what makes me want to vid in the first place. Is it this desire to get praised? Is it the urge to make *that world on screen* more real because you want to escape this one/and thus to escape yourself? And I didn't answer her but I answered myself without saying anything out loud. And I know both reasons are there, and some others too, each to a different extent. I can't get rid of my ego, I can stop vidding altogether and pretend I don't have one, but hadn't I tried that? I was avoiding vidding till my anger subsided a bit or till someone else's pain got so withering I couldn't bear it and my anger became insignificant in comparison, but then there are still a million of emotions eating at me from the inside. I better let them out, I think. I know I'm far from perfection when it comes to motivation. The best I can do is try to train my ego not to interfere too much, like a stubborn puppy.
Seriously? As long as destroying your own work helps you to move forward (and not just creatively, but... humanly), I'm all for it. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
When my sister came visiting last February I told her about my vidding issues a bit and she said that vidding for me is similar to painting/drawing for her - it allows to validate your own feelings, especially when others reject them. It's an emotional prop in a way. She said I have to be very honest about what makes me want to vid in the first place. Is it this desire to get praised? Is it the urge to make *that world on screen* more real because you want to escape this one/and thus to escape yourself? And I didn't answer her but I answered myself without saying anything out loud. And I know both reasons are there, and some others too, each to a different extent. I can't get rid of my ego, I can stop vidding altogether and pretend I don't have one, but hadn't I tried that? I was avoiding vidding till my anger subsided a bit or till someone else's pain got so withering I couldn't bear it and my anger became insignificant in comparison, but then there are still a million of emotions eating at me from the inside. I better let them out, I think. I know I'm far from perfection when it comes to motivation. The best I can do is try to train my ego not to interfere too much, like a stubborn puppy.
Seriously? As long as destroying your own work helps you to move forward (and not just creatively, but... humanly), I'm all for it. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
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