Recently I've been noticing and trying to trying to deconstruct the many layers of fear I have wrapped around vidding. ( cut for boring introspective stuff )
And then the distance between you and them gets more and more substantial. Yes, absolutely! And that sounds AWFUL. I don't want that, when you put it that way. Maybe it's partly why I've found my zen recently about my actual creations (even if I still fight the impulse to keep creating).
Who would you trust? No one. Which is your point! I was thinking about what you wrote about ego in your last email, actually--this post is partly influenced by that. I like your description of the dozing ego that is dangerous when woken up. Yes--I block praise and yes, I'm afraid of being arrogant. I think it may not be that I've exactly depended on other people's praise in the past--more that there's a huge hole inside me and always was and it would take so much to fill it up and give me faith in myself, if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete. Which is the HEIGHT of arrogance and demands on others, so I quickly make sure I'm not at all dependent on other people's praise.
I definitely agree I must continue both--and recently it HAS felt more like they sustain one another, rather than act in opposition to each other.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish. But if I could strike a balance, that would be really great. Most of the time I do ok at balancing both, I just wish I could stop self-sabotaging the vidder half.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
Yes, absolutely! And that sounds AWFUL. I don't want that, when you put it that way.
I know you don't. I don't want that either. The main solution I see is to try shifting your focal point from "creating something good" to remaining true to your heart in progress (I know you vid from heart, so it should make sense). As soon as you create some space between your work result (which is somewhere in the future, it doesn't exist yet) and the process, what you want to be saying visually each of the given moments - flight freedom comes, you get more inventive and crazy, intuitive when logic doesn't prove to be fruitful and so on.
if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete.
Hmm... I know... I wish you could see that you're already complete. But then I could say the same about myself.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis
You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish.
No, if you vid less, you'll betray your own truth I think. What I mean is that the part of you that wants to vid, the more egotistical one, may become less selfish if you just keep "taking the pulse". Allowing it to be the way it is and still watching your ego closely is the first step of taming it, it's like knowing you're confused is the first step of finding your bearings. And yes, it might make you less defensive when it comes to praise. Just don't punish yourself for arrogance and such, it only intensifies it in the end.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
Yes, absolutely! And that sounds AWFUL. I don't want that, when you put it that way. Maybe it's partly why I've found my zen recently about my actual creations (even if I still fight the impulse to keep creating).
Who would you trust?
No one. Which is your point! I was thinking about what you wrote about ego in your last email, actually--this post is partly influenced by that. I like your description of the dozing ego that is dangerous when woken up. Yes--I block praise and yes, I'm afraid of being arrogant. I think it may not be that I've exactly depended on other people's praise in the past--more that there's a huge hole inside me and always was and it would take so much to fill it up and give me faith in myself, if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete. Which is the HEIGHT of arrogance and demands on others, so I quickly make sure I'm not at all dependent on other people's praise.
I definitely agree I must continue both--and recently it HAS felt more like they sustain one another, rather than act in opposition to each other.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis
You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish. But if I could strike a balance, that would be really great. Most of the time I do ok at balancing both, I just wish I could stop self-sabotaging the vidder half.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
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I know you don't. I don't want that either. The main solution I see is to try shifting your focal point from "creating something good" to remaining true to your heart in progress (I know you vid from heart, so it should make sense). As soon as you create some space between your work result (which is somewhere in the future, it doesn't exist yet) and the process, what you want to be saying visually each of the given moments - flight freedom comes, you get more inventive and crazy, intuitive when logic doesn't prove to be fruitful and so on.
if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete.
Hmm... I know... I wish you could see that you're already complete. But then I could say the same about myself.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis
You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish.
No, if you vid less, you'll betray your own truth I think. What I mean is that the part of you that wants to vid, the more egotistical one, may become less selfish if you just keep "taking the pulse". Allowing it to be the way it is and still watching your ego closely is the first step of taming it, it's like knowing you're confused is the first step of finding your bearings. And yes, it might make you less defensive when it comes to praise. Just don't punish yourself for arrogance and such, it only intensifies it in the end.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
*hugs tight*
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