Recently I've been noticing and trying to trying to deconstruct the many layers of fear I have wrapped around vidding. ( cut for boring introspective stuff )
The vidder part just feels so selfish. Like why would I spend time making mediocre vids myself if I could spend the time instead reading other people's masterpieces? It's only ego that would make me do that, right? Only the feeling that I could somehow produce something good?
Why are you eager to be producing something exceptional? Anything exceptional can generate envy and anger from others if you identify yourself with that “exceptional work”. And then the distance between you and them gets more and more substantial.
Who is there to judge the extent of your vids mediocrity apart from you? Who would you trust?
Do do realize that by destroying your work once it gets praised there’s a chance of rejecting genuine concern and sincere self-expression coming from other people, right? You may not know it but by doing so you also reject a part of yourself.
There is this guy who kept pushing me, he wanted something I couldn’t give, was sending me messages and saying how wonderful I am and I realized at some point that I was getting irritated and even aggressive towards him the more it went on; I knew it had to stop, instinctively… and then I wrote him something along these lines (I really think something similar could be said about creative work in general)…
It’s natural for me to give people warmth and care in response when I interact with them rather closely. In case I can’t do it, their feelings, when expressed, only fatten up my ego. My ego isn’t me, but it’s a part of me that’s always there, and in one’s most comfortable state of mind it’s inactive, it’s dozing. As soon as I receive some sort of praise or attention, when kind words are being said - if I can’t pass along that energy flow, make it broader (usually a part of it settles in one’s heart, but a much larger part has to keep moving, expanding), so if I can’t pass it along and further growth doesn’t occur, then what happens is a complete wave crash against one’s ego, which makes it wake up, unfold its ears and start increasing in size, it may go hand in hand with your sense of self importance flourishing, and consequentially it may cause anger, greed, depression, petulance and a whole bunch of other nasty things, because once awoken ego always has to feed on something, support its importance - and it doesn’t care if it takes advantage of other people, in fact, it’s the only perfectly natural behavioral pattern it knows.
So I think in order for you to find balance you have to keep giving other people feedback *and* vidding. You said yourself you like doing both; and I think these two parts of you sustain one another.
I think your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis. This post is proof that you can do it, that you instinctively understand that if you allow yourself to feel the way you do and work through it, it may dissipate eventually.
It seems like you’re trying to block the praise because if you accept it, you think that your arrogance will only thrive on it - like you’ve been there, like you know it leads to getting hurt, depending on others opinion like an addict or some other form of misery.
And btw, you can always get angry with me openly, ok? I can take it.
And then the distance between you and them gets more and more substantial. Yes, absolutely! And that sounds AWFUL. I don't want that, when you put it that way. Maybe it's partly why I've found my zen recently about my actual creations (even if I still fight the impulse to keep creating).
Who would you trust? No one. Which is your point! I was thinking about what you wrote about ego in your last email, actually--this post is partly influenced by that. I like your description of the dozing ego that is dangerous when woken up. Yes--I block praise and yes, I'm afraid of being arrogant. I think it may not be that I've exactly depended on other people's praise in the past--more that there's a huge hole inside me and always was and it would take so much to fill it up and give me faith in myself, if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete. Which is the HEIGHT of arrogance and demands on others, so I quickly make sure I'm not at all dependent on other people's praise.
I definitely agree I must continue both--and recently it HAS felt more like they sustain one another, rather than act in opposition to each other.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish. But if I could strike a balance, that would be really great. Most of the time I do ok at balancing both, I just wish I could stop self-sabotaging the vidder half.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
Yes, absolutely! And that sounds AWFUL. I don't want that, when you put it that way.
I know you don't. I don't want that either. The main solution I see is to try shifting your focal point from "creating something good" to remaining true to your heart in progress (I know you vid from heart, so it should make sense). As soon as you create some space between your work result (which is somewhere in the future, it doesn't exist yet) and the process, what you want to be saying visually each of the given moments - flight freedom comes, you get more inventive and crazy, intuitive when logic doesn't prove to be fruitful and so on.
if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete.
Hmm... I know... I wish you could see that you're already complete. But then I could say the same about myself.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis
You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish.
No, if you vid less, you'll betray your own truth I think. What I mean is that the part of you that wants to vid, the more egotistical one, may become less selfish if you just keep "taking the pulse". Allowing it to be the way it is and still watching your ego closely is the first step of taming it, it's like knowing you're confused is the first step of finding your bearings. And yes, it might make you less defensive when it comes to praise. Just don't punish yourself for arrogance and such, it only intensifies it in the end.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
Why are you eager to be producing something exceptional? Anything exceptional can generate envy and anger from others if you identify yourself with that “exceptional work”. And then the distance between you and them gets more and more substantial.
Who is there to judge the extent of your vids mediocrity apart from you? Who would you trust?
Do do realize that by destroying your work once it gets praised there’s a chance of rejecting genuine concern and sincere self-expression coming from other people, right? You may not know it but by doing so you also reject a part of yourself.
There is this guy who kept pushing me, he wanted something I couldn’t give, was sending me messages and saying how wonderful I am and I realized at some point that I was getting irritated and even aggressive towards him the more it went on; I knew it had to stop, instinctively… and then I wrote him something along these lines (I really think something similar could be said about creative work in general)…
It’s natural for me to give people warmth and care in response when I interact with them rather closely. In case I can’t do it, their feelings, when expressed, only fatten up my ego. My ego isn’t me, but it’s a part of me that’s always there, and in one’s most comfortable state of mind it’s inactive, it’s dozing. As soon as I receive some sort of praise or attention, when kind words are being said - if I can’t pass along that energy flow, make it broader (usually a part of it settles in one’s heart, but a much larger part has to keep moving, expanding), so if I can’t pass it along and further growth doesn’t occur, then what happens is a complete wave crash against one’s ego, which makes it wake up, unfold its ears and start increasing in size, it may go hand in hand with your sense of self importance flourishing, and consequentially it may cause anger, greed, depression, petulance and a whole bunch of other nasty things, because once awoken ego always has to feed on something, support its importance - and it doesn’t care if it takes advantage of other people, in fact, it’s the only perfectly natural behavioral pattern it knows.
So I think in order for you to find balance you have to keep giving other people feedback *and* vidding. You said yourself you like doing both; and I think these two parts of you sustain one another.
I think your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis. This post is proof that you can do it, that you instinctively understand that if you allow yourself to feel the way you do and work through it, it may dissipate eventually.
It seems like you’re trying to block the praise because if you accept it, you think that your arrogance will only thrive on it - like you’ve been there, like you know it leads to getting hurt, depending on others opinion like an addict or some other form of misery.
And btw, you can always get angry with me openly, ok? I can take it.
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Yes, absolutely! And that sounds AWFUL. I don't want that, when you put it that way. Maybe it's partly why I've found my zen recently about my actual creations (even if I still fight the impulse to keep creating).
Who would you trust?
No one. Which is your point! I was thinking about what you wrote about ego in your last email, actually--this post is partly influenced by that. I like your description of the dozing ego that is dangerous when woken up. Yes--I block praise and yes, I'm afraid of being arrogant. I think it may not be that I've exactly depended on other people's praise in the past--more that there's a huge hole inside me and always was and it would take so much to fill it up and give me faith in myself, if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete. Which is the HEIGHT of arrogance and demands on others, so I quickly make sure I'm not at all dependent on other people's praise.
I definitely agree I must continue both--and recently it HAS felt more like they sustain one another, rather than act in opposition to each other.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis
You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish. But if I could strike a balance, that would be really great. Most of the time I do ok at balancing both, I just wish I could stop self-sabotaging the vidder half.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
Reply
I know you don't. I don't want that either. The main solution I see is to try shifting your focal point from "creating something good" to remaining true to your heart in progress (I know you vid from heart, so it should make sense). As soon as you create some space between your work result (which is somewhere in the future, it doesn't exist yet) and the process, what you want to be saying visually each of the given moments - flight freedom comes, you get more inventive and crazy, intuitive when logic doesn't prove to be fruitful and so on.
if I feel one tiny drop fall into the hole it just makes me realise how much more it would take to feel complete.
Hmm... I know... I wish you could see that you're already complete. But then I could say the same about myself.
your vidder part may become less selfish if you watch it closely on a daily basis
You mean I'll vid less? Or that I won't be so defensive about praise? Or something else? It's hard for me to see how vidding could ever not be selfish.
No, if you vid less, you'll betray your own truth I think. What I mean is that the part of you that wants to vid, the more egotistical one, may become less selfish if you just keep "taking the pulse". Allowing it to be the way it is and still watching your ego closely is the first step of taming it, it's like knowing you're confused is the first step of finding your bearings. And yes, it might make you less defensive when it comes to praise. Just don't punish yourself for arrogance and such, it only intensifies it in the end.
I'm not angry--though a little shaky because you know me so well. I am very lucky to have you as my friend.
*hugs tight*
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