silliness
Thursday, March 23
In a move calculated to capitalize on the American public's widely-held longing to antagonize additional foreign nations, a special envoy of US Senators has embarked on a mission to Beijing to demand that the Chinese Communist Party end its artificial manipulation of China's currency. Or else.
In a recent press conference, Democratic Senator Charles "Chaz" Schumer, one of three Senators representing the US in China this week, decried Beijing's continued refusal to allow its currency to appreciate against the dollar. "It's frankly disgraceful," said Schumer, "the way China allows the yuan and the rienzi to remain at artificially low levels. This currency-fixing is costing America billions of dollars in exports, and thousands of manufacturing jobs. Unless the Chinese government addresses our concerns on this issue, we will have no choice but to recommend trade sanctions against China." When reminded that the yuan and the rienzi are actually two names for China's single currency, the Senator responded with an emphatic "Exactly! Huh?"
South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey "The E is Masculine!" Graham echoed his Democratic colleague's sentiments: " As an emerging economic leader seeking to join the international commerce community, China needs to renounce these sorts of monetary shenanigans and embrace a market-based approach to regulating its currency. The rewards of globalization come with equally serious obligations to abide by global monetary standards." The Senator also took the opportunity to vigorously deny recent rumors that he was named for his maternal grandmother.
In a Capitol Hill press conference last Tuesday, Senator Tom Coburn, Republican of Oklahoma, struck a more positive attitude toward the China mission. "This trip," Coburn said, "offers the United States an opportunity to expand our current diplomatic dialogue with the world's up-and-coming economic superpower, at a time when terrorism and tense international relations makes Sino-American cooperation more crucial than ever before. Also, I’m looking forward to the chance to brush up on my chopstick skills." An aide for Senator Coburn later announced that the Senator would no longer be available for comment.
Midway through the week-long talks, the Senators’ efforts to prompt a change in Beijing’s monetary policy appear to have born little fruit, as Chinese economic officials continue to insist on keeping the yuan at its present low levels. High-ranking sources in China’s central bank report that the discussions have been less than amicable thus far. One official, who requested that he remain anonymous, reported that Senator Schumer’s initial demand that China adopt a single, more pronounceable name for its currency got the talks off to a rocky start, while Senator Coburn repeatedly interrupted the Chinese delegation with requests for the location of a “good lo mein place.” However, the Chinese official also said that tensions eased somewhat when interpreters were asked to leave the room.
Still, with only three more days of negotiations, and no prospect of substantive agreement in sight, the Senators might have no choice but to make good on their original threat of advising the full Senate to adopt a 27.5% tariff on all Chinese goods. When asked how he and his colleagues arrived at such an exact figure for the proposed tariff, Senator Graham explained that, after much economic analysis and consultation with trade experts, “We decided that pretty much any number would sound good if we put a ‘point-five’ after it. You know, makes it sound real mathematical.” In response to concerns that the proposed tariff would do incalculable harm to American consumers and businesses who presently depend on cheap, reliable imports from China, a spokesperson for Senator Coburn reminded the media that Senator Coburn is no longer available for comment.
In a move calculated to capitalize on the American public's widely-held longing to antagonize additional foreign nations, a special envoy of US Senators has embarked on a mission to Beijing to demand that the Chinese Communist Party end its artificial manipulation of China's currency. Or else.
In a recent press conference, Democratic Senator Charles "Chaz" Schumer, one of three Senators representing the US in China this week, decried Beijing's continued refusal to allow its currency to appreciate against the dollar. "It's frankly disgraceful," said Schumer, "the way China allows the yuan and the rienzi to remain at artificially low levels. This currency-fixing is costing America billions of dollars in exports, and thousands of manufacturing jobs. Unless the Chinese government addresses our concerns on this issue, we will have no choice but to recommend trade sanctions against China." When reminded that the yuan and the rienzi are actually two names for China's single currency, the Senator responded with an emphatic "Exactly! Huh?"
South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey "The E is Masculine!" Graham echoed his Democratic colleague's sentiments: " As an emerging economic leader seeking to join the international commerce community, China needs to renounce these sorts of monetary shenanigans and embrace a market-based approach to regulating its currency. The rewards of globalization come with equally serious obligations to abide by global monetary standards." The Senator also took the opportunity to vigorously deny recent rumors that he was named for his maternal grandmother.
In a Capitol Hill press conference last Tuesday, Senator Tom Coburn, Republican of Oklahoma, struck a more positive attitude toward the China mission. "This trip," Coburn said, "offers the United States an opportunity to expand our current diplomatic dialogue with the world's up-and-coming economic superpower, at a time when terrorism and tense international relations makes Sino-American cooperation more crucial than ever before. Also, I’m looking forward to the chance to brush up on my chopstick skills." An aide for Senator Coburn later announced that the Senator would no longer be available for comment.
Midway through the week-long talks, the Senators’ efforts to prompt a change in Beijing’s monetary policy appear to have born little fruit, as Chinese economic officials continue to insist on keeping the yuan at its present low levels. High-ranking sources in China’s central bank report that the discussions have been less than amicable thus far. One official, who requested that he remain anonymous, reported that Senator Schumer’s initial demand that China adopt a single, more pronounceable name for its currency got the talks off to a rocky start, while Senator Coburn repeatedly interrupted the Chinese delegation with requests for the location of a “good lo mein place.” However, the Chinese official also said that tensions eased somewhat when interpreters were asked to leave the room.
Still, with only three more days of negotiations, and no prospect of substantive agreement in sight, the Senators might have no choice but to make good on their original threat of advising the full Senate to adopt a 27.5% tariff on all Chinese goods. When asked how he and his colleagues arrived at such an exact figure for the proposed tariff, Senator Graham explained that, after much economic analysis and consultation with trade experts, “We decided that pretty much any number would sound good if we put a ‘point-five’ after it. You know, makes it sound real mathematical.” In response to concerns that the proposed tariff would do incalculable harm to American consumers and businesses who presently depend on cheap, reliable imports from China, a spokesperson for Senator Coburn reminded the media that Senator Coburn is no longer available for comment.