(no subject)
okay so today i woke up and started doing homework and thinking about my weekend. Highlights:
1. seeing Lots Frau by Anslem Kiefer- it made me want the milky way very badly.
2.taking the GED so i can drop out of h.s and move to Nice with anais- just kidding.
3. seeing saw with caitlin and not being able to sleep all the rest of the weekend
4. running into two very cute black haired boys and trying to ask them if they need a ride- but cait and i had dibs on the same one so that wouldn't have worked.
5. caroline calling to see if i wanted to hang out thursday bc we never do- it seriously made me happy for like the whole night. i couldn't but we will really soon!!!
and then today, I was supposed to have a nice relaxing day- do hmwk, just sit around....but instead I started thinking about everything and this is what I came up with.
I am sooooooo sick and tired of everything. I just all of a sudden got angry at everyone and everything. I don’ t know why but I started thinking about my life in the past four months. And it has been awful in the best way. I know its hard to describe but it all started with the goddamn new years eve party. I didnt want to go. I wanted to do something else, anything else. But, like always, I went along with everyone else. And then after that, it was okay and things were good. I really thought I was happy and I thought other people were happy being with me. But I soon found out that wasn’t the case at all. First, my family. My mother hardly speaks to me at all anymore. My dad tolerates me. My sister will listen to me, but she doesn’t trust me, or for that matter, even like me. Second, my friends. I’ve become a lot closer with people I really care about, that mean something to me, that share my same interests. And it’s been fun. I thought for a while that I liked someone, but that got old fast, for both of us. Which of course, brings me to my enemies. I apologized for hurting a lot of people in the past. And it made me feel better about myself, until I realized that apologizing is just words, I can never take back the past. Now, whoever you are who writes unnecessarily cruel comments on my livejournal- more than anything, I want to know who you are. Please. Because I feel so upset and angry not being able to know anything about you. I don’t think you even know me. What you’re doing isn’t fair and it is making absolutely crazy. You are sooooo wrong if you think that Sam even ever liked me- trust me- he didn’t. Maybe on a surface level, but that’s it. And I’m fine with that. I’ll feel really dumb if this was just some random person playing a joke on me, and if it was, it was horrible. I know what its like to like someone who can’t be yours. Trust me, I’ve liked the same boy since I’ve been like ten years old. It sucks, but there’s not much more to say than that. At least you had him at some point ( I think). Anyway, I think I know who you are and, if it even matters, I’m not angry, I just want you to tell me who you are and why you have been doing this to me. Because it was bullshit. But its over and I don’t see a reason for you to keep hating me. You have what you want now, leave me alone and if you are going to keep bothering me, at least leave your name.
But now I’m getting scared for myself. This wait for colleges is killing me. It’s changing me into who I used to be and I hate it. My walls have started to close in on me, I can’t really trust anyone and I’m desperate for a change, but at the same thing, I want everything to remain unchanged. For once, I want to be able to tell someone everything about me, about this past summer and how I spent it and have them still look at me the same way. But I know I can't and so, for the time being, that will be my secret. I hate this so much. So, now that I have spilled my guts to an internet audience, I am going to bed. I am frustrated and sad, I hate everyone minus like four people. So there. Fuck the rest of you.
Wishes for the evening:
1. Take back the past.
2. Become Marilyn Monroe.
3. Know who has been leaving comments on my livejournal.
4. fall in love with.....anyone.
5. Stop being angry.
6. At least sleep for half the night.
Okay I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
Xoxo
abbey
oh man regretting this already. i can't believe i just said all this on a livejournal for nothing.
1. seeing Lots Frau by Anslem Kiefer- it made me want the milky way very badly.
2.taking the GED so i can drop out of h.s and move to Nice with anais- just kidding.
3. seeing saw with caitlin and not being able to sleep all the rest of the weekend
4. running into two very cute black haired boys and trying to ask them if they need a ride- but cait and i had dibs on the same one so that wouldn't have worked.
5. caroline calling to see if i wanted to hang out thursday bc we never do- it seriously made me happy for like the whole night. i couldn't but we will really soon!!!
and then today, I was supposed to have a nice relaxing day- do hmwk, just sit around....but instead I started thinking about everything and this is what I came up with.
I am sooooooo sick and tired of everything. I just all of a sudden got angry at everyone and everything. I don’ t know why but I started thinking about my life in the past four months. And it has been awful in the best way. I know its hard to describe but it all started with the goddamn new years eve party. I didnt want to go. I wanted to do something else, anything else. But, like always, I went along with everyone else. And then after that, it was okay and things were good. I really thought I was happy and I thought other people were happy being with me. But I soon found out that wasn’t the case at all. First, my family. My mother hardly speaks to me at all anymore. My dad tolerates me. My sister will listen to me, but she doesn’t trust me, or for that matter, even like me. Second, my friends. I’ve become a lot closer with people I really care about, that mean something to me, that share my same interests. And it’s been fun. I thought for a while that I liked someone, but that got old fast, for both of us. Which of course, brings me to my enemies. I apologized for hurting a lot of people in the past. And it made me feel better about myself, until I realized that apologizing is just words, I can never take back the past. Now, whoever you are who writes unnecessarily cruel comments on my livejournal- more than anything, I want to know who you are. Please. Because I feel so upset and angry not being able to know anything about you. I don’t think you even know me. What you’re doing isn’t fair and it is making absolutely crazy. You are sooooo wrong if you think that Sam even ever liked me- trust me- he didn’t. Maybe on a surface level, but that’s it. And I’m fine with that. I’ll feel really dumb if this was just some random person playing a joke on me, and if it was, it was horrible. I know what its like to like someone who can’t be yours. Trust me, I’ve liked the same boy since I’ve been like ten years old. It sucks, but there’s not much more to say than that. At least you had him at some point ( I think). Anyway, I think I know who you are and, if it even matters, I’m not angry, I just want you to tell me who you are and why you have been doing this to me. Because it was bullshit. But its over and I don’t see a reason for you to keep hating me. You have what you want now, leave me alone and if you are going to keep bothering me, at least leave your name.
But now I’m getting scared for myself. This wait for colleges is killing me. It’s changing me into who I used to be and I hate it. My walls have started to close in on me, I can’t really trust anyone and I’m desperate for a change, but at the same thing, I want everything to remain unchanged. For once, I want to be able to tell someone everything about me, about this past summer and how I spent it and have them still look at me the same way. But I know I can't and so, for the time being, that will be my secret. I hate this so much. So, now that I have spilled my guts to an internet audience, I am going to bed. I am frustrated and sad, I hate everyone minus like four people. So there. Fuck the rest of you.
Wishes for the evening:
1. Take back the past.
2. Become Marilyn Monroe.
3. Know who has been leaving comments on my livejournal.
4. fall in love with.....anyone.
5. Stop being angry.
6. At least sleep for half the night.
Okay I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
Xoxo
abbey
oh man regretting this already. i can't believe i just said all this on a livejournal for nothing.