My shitty life
Sometimes I wonder and thats all I can do and even that consumes me.
I wonder about every boy I've ever meet, and why I just never seem to be enough.
- MY FATHER~ My mother broke his heart and I was there for him. My brother broke his heart and I was there for him. She stepped into the picture and I wasn't enough to be there for him. I wish he would see me for me and know I wouldn't break his heart. But I'm not enough for him to even give me a chance.
- MY BRANDON~ We were happy, well most of the time. More happy then sad. But then he opened his eyes and believe I always hoped he never would but he did and he saw me for what I was...I wasn't enough. If I was enough then he wouldn't have walked away. If I was enough to keep him happy then I woundn't be all alone. If I was enough he wouldn't have thought I would break his heart and I would still be happy.
- MY COACH~I loved being a gymnast more than anything, I wouldn't have givin it up for any guy, but i did for him. Not really like I had a choice though. He told me I wasn't enough, he told me not to bother because I'll never be enough. He thought I would intured on his dream and break it.
I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO KEEP MY HEAD UP ANYMORE:
I live everyday with the knowage that I have never been enough to any person I've ever meet. All I seem to do is fall short and let them down. I wish I knew how to make myself better.
Last month and this month I'm struggling to make my $600 rent. That's never happened before. I've never had a problem making my rent. But now I can't and I can't make my phone bill either. Why all of a sudden to things fall apart? I've never fallen this short on so many aspects of my life all at once. This might be the perfrect time to relocate.
I wish for once in my life someone could look at me and see me for me, and not for the potentioal pain I might cause.
How I'm going to solve the problem that will follow my the rest of my life:
- MY FATHER~He is to be married on the 10th of July...I will be in Cananda...at the bars...letting him down once again.
- MY BRANDON~If he can be happier without me, I can be happy without him. I will never speak ill of him again. Only when I hold him in high regards can I atepmt to wiggle free from his grasp.
- MY COACH~Only when I show him I am that coach he never thought I could be will he start to second guess the gymnast I could of been.
Everyday I have to think of a new reason to get out bed, because the reasons to stay in bed are just to over powering. Maybe that's why I always get up late...