and there has been change
so this is where i start writing again? hiatus!
for a long, long time i have been staring at a blank page, with one of those dream pens that only writes in reverse, and then ends up smearing and blotting out the whole page anyway.
i do not understand mourning.
why can't there be some set pattern to flow through, a chart, a star? a solution? when the foundation of life decimates, then the ground underneath the foundation falls out from under toward the core, which in turn creates an eruption and everything just liquifies - so not refreshing or cleansing, but suffocating noxious liquid static.
can't quite feel anything, always a step back even as you hold me in your arms.
on pause, suspended,
on a trial.
and yet still, above the surface, and a struggle to survive. there are few tears - hard to fight with blur/fuzzy vision, after all. fight fight fight! (stab! stab! stab!)
and there has been change -
new focus, moving by Jan 1st - as our LL wants to use the place for something else, we have a time limit. tick tick and a project to conquer. job hunt soon afterward, really.
passed the 1yr anniversary of my Sis's death - i am still asleep, safely curled inside my little urchin heart. i feel nothing.
new fiery pictures - i should always have someone who loves me take the pictures, they just see things that i can't. not bad for business, no. improvement!
couples therapy - tt and i are cool, just working on communicating about things. i am closed off, he is at a quandary, and for the most part we've done as much as we can on our own. we've both had some huge things in the last few years, and we need to work through, together.
new meds - yay for switching things around and fucking with my brain chemistry. seems to be keeping me out of bed (good) and is clearing the fog a bit (good) but alas is never the quick solution. more therapy, nail to the temple and hammer hammer it home.
things are looking up, though.
for a long, long time i have been staring at a blank page, with one of those dream pens that only writes in reverse, and then ends up smearing and blotting out the whole page anyway.
i do not understand mourning.
why can't there be some set pattern to flow through, a chart, a star? a solution? when the foundation of life decimates, then the ground underneath the foundation falls out from under toward the core, which in turn creates an eruption and everything just liquifies - so not refreshing or cleansing, but suffocating noxious liquid static.
can't quite feel anything, always a step back even as you hold me in your arms.
on pause, suspended,
on a trial.
and yet still, above the surface, and a struggle to survive. there are few tears - hard to fight with blur/fuzzy vision, after all. fight fight fight! (stab! stab! stab!)
and there has been change -
new focus, moving by Jan 1st - as our LL wants to use the place for something else, we have a time limit. tick tick and a project to conquer. job hunt soon afterward, really.
passed the 1yr anniversary of my Sis's death - i am still asleep, safely curled inside my little urchin heart. i feel nothing.
new fiery pictures - i should always have someone who loves me take the pictures, they just see things that i can't. not bad for business, no. improvement!
couples therapy - tt and i are cool, just working on communicating about things. i am closed off, he is at a quandary, and for the most part we've done as much as we can on our own. we've both had some huge things in the last few years, and we need to work through, together.
new meds - yay for switching things around and fucking with my brain chemistry. seems to be keeping me out of bed (good) and is clearing the fog a bit (good) but alas is never the quick solution. more therapy, nail to the temple and hammer hammer it home.
things are looking up, though.