Had a bad day the camera don't lie
So... Had a bad day. Well not bad more like sad. Couldn't stop moping and feeling a tightness in my chest :/
Ended up crying lots to my mom. Everything is all changing at once and I'm not ready.
I hate how I look and am nervous as hell about moving. Afraid I won't keep losing or that I don't know what to expect from the job the apartment etc! I don't do well with changes. And considering I was planning to graduate and then move to LA to do film and modeling this wasn't exactly my plan. Disney will be awesome and I cant wait but a giant part of my brain is telling me I failed bc I gained all this weight so had to change plans and allow the time to "get healthy" well here is the thing...
Where does it cross the line between just wanting to lose a few pounds to being anorexic? Cuz I keep getting mixed reviews on that. Some say it's the act of not eating, some say it's a mindset, some say it's being sickly, and some even say it's not real. Now I know it's real! I was/am it! I am not dying or sickly or even close to underweight, but I still cry about food and weight from time to time. Is this a frustrated dieter or an anorexic? Some days I don't wanna eat. Does that make me anorexic? Sometimes women just diet and restrict calories a lot... They aren't called anorexic. They are just called "on a diet" Is it just bc I have been underweight that I will forever warrant the term anorexic or is my mindset still really sick if I think not eating is ok?
It's a lot to consider. And that's on a daily basis. Not to mention worries of money, moving, leaving home and family and pets, peer pressures, etc.
Today was a bit overwelming and I hope when I get to Florida it will be better not worse. I hope all this healthy eating and exercise pays off! Not sure how long I can stand not losing any weight. I know I'm not overweight, but I am on the heavy side of normal. 110 is my magic number I'd love to hit that again but even 115 I'd take. As long as a good 5 pounds was solid muscle
I want to do this the healthy way, but waiting is hard! I know it's only been about 2 months of this strict plan and I can assume it will take at least 6 to get my body back to mostly normal, but it's a hard thing for me to wait for :/ I just keep hoping that it will pay off and that my metabolism isn't stuck for life.