A new year a new entry.
For some reason this place seems so much more intimate than myspace or face book.
I haven't been letting my feelings out , I've been letting them simmer.
So today will be my day to get everything off my chest that I know will only hurt my soul if I keep it inside.
I've been having trouble with my friends lately.I mean this is a big thing for me because my friends mean a lot to me and things like this just don't happen to me... a lot. But when they don't give the respect that I deserve, when they treat me like I'm nothing more than ... nothing...
I get so angry and frustrated because I can't find the reason for this change. Or why it is the way it is!
I can't find it in my heart to forget it either.
But I feel like I get walked on. I feel like I'm so much of a push over that I can't even tell my friends whats bothering me.
I guess it's because I think that it'll cause too much drama. But Is it drama I'm afraid of?? Or afraid of what the truth of their reaction might bring? And now that I've been through it with one friend it seems like the others are following suit. Is it my poor choice in friendship?
Do i give my friendship and trust to just anyone? I feel though, that since I experienced this fall out with one, I am definitely not going to let it happen the same way. Not cowardly, immaturely, or stupidly.
The big lessons I have learned in life happened in such a short time. Ex boyfriends, Ex friends, moving out, drinking, sex. It seems to just get worse with age. And that I'm afraid what'll happen in another few short years.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of being pushed around, looked down on, and treated unfairly. I try my best to be the best of friends and I don't get that in return. I'm blamed for being selfish when I'm depressed, I'm blamed for being busy, for being honest, for all kinds of stupid reasons. Do I really need those kind of people in my life? I can't believe that life turned out so different than what i pictured it. It's obvious its supposed to be that way but when you experience it, mind boggling.
I won't take any of these experiences back though. I've learned too much about myself, and about people to regret the outcome of my life.
Yes I'm having a hard time, yes I'm going through random crap. But having a broken car, no job, no money, and a short list of friends, it doesn't mean that my life is bad. It doesn't mean that those things wont change, because they will. With persistence and hard work, nothing will stay the same. I can get a new car, I can get a new job, I can meet new people, and I can see that nothing in life is permanent.
And that's really hard for me to see because I've been so focused on the negative against me that I was blinded to those good things. Like a new life addition a bundle of joy! My family is healthy, That short list of friends are the best friends that are honest and true, I am energetic and full of life, I like that and others seem to. And even though I only see those people one day out of months, it means everything to me that I still feel so close to them. Like Grace and Ryan. Just being around them makes life so much better, and to know who really cares and who really doesn't deserve me.
All in all I really wish,.....
You know what? I wrote I wish, but I am tired of wishing instead of putting an effort to make them reality, I will not let anyone talk down on me, treat me wrong, or be hypocritical towards me. I now am stronger than I will ever be about my life. I am here to take control of it and not cower before obstacles or people standing in my way of happiness. I will not let them control my emotions or my beliefs and I will not take control of theirs.
I feel like 108729827X better for sticking up for myself. Even if it means you know losing a friend. It's better to lose a friend who puts you down, then to lose yourself in a bad friendship. Same goes for relationships.
And speaking of that... I am more happy than I would have ever been Derek. I look back at those emotions and memories and I see a naive young girl, who didn't follow her instincts, or emotions. And I look at myself with Quintin, and I see a woman who is herself, who stands up for her rights, who has dignity and respect, and isn't afraid to be alone. I am so grateful for the things that I've gone through to show me just what kind of relationship I want to be in. I am not forced or blackmailed into loving someone. I have my own choices and he has his. Even if this relationship fails, I will know that I gave my all and that nothing more I could have done would have been enough. I hope that doesn't happen because I love the guy, but I know that I am who I am and I am who I will be. If that makes any sense!
So people come and go. There's no stopping what will happen, but if I don't have a say in the matter then I will feel my life is worthless. Like my life has no meaning if I don't live it myself.
I want to bestow my knowledge to my good friends, but its one thing to know, and one thing to experience. You can give all the advice and facts, but it's not the same as knowing what to do when that time comes. I hope for all my friends going through those same problems I did, that they do so with love for themselves and love for god in their hearts.
P.S. I CAN'T WAIT FOR CARISSA TO POP OUT THAT KID!!!!!!!!
... this is going to be the greatest adventure ever.
I haven't been letting my feelings out , I've been letting them simmer.
So today will be my day to get everything off my chest that I know will only hurt my soul if I keep it inside.
I've been having trouble with my friends lately.I mean this is a big thing for me because my friends mean a lot to me and things like this just don't happen to me... a lot. But when they don't give the respect that I deserve, when they treat me like I'm nothing more than ... nothing...
I get so angry and frustrated because I can't find the reason for this change. Or why it is the way it is!
I can't find it in my heart to forget it either.
But I feel like I get walked on. I feel like I'm so much of a push over that I can't even tell my friends whats bothering me.
I guess it's because I think that it'll cause too much drama. But Is it drama I'm afraid of?? Or afraid of what the truth of their reaction might bring? And now that I've been through it with one friend it seems like the others are following suit. Is it my poor choice in friendship?
Do i give my friendship and trust to just anyone? I feel though, that since I experienced this fall out with one, I am definitely not going to let it happen the same way. Not cowardly, immaturely, or stupidly.
The big lessons I have learned in life happened in such a short time. Ex boyfriends, Ex friends, moving out, drinking, sex. It seems to just get worse with age. And that I'm afraid what'll happen in another few short years.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of being pushed around, looked down on, and treated unfairly. I try my best to be the best of friends and I don't get that in return. I'm blamed for being selfish when I'm depressed, I'm blamed for being busy, for being honest, for all kinds of stupid reasons. Do I really need those kind of people in my life? I can't believe that life turned out so different than what i pictured it. It's obvious its supposed to be that way but when you experience it, mind boggling.
I won't take any of these experiences back though. I've learned too much about myself, and about people to regret the outcome of my life.
Yes I'm having a hard time, yes I'm going through random crap. But having a broken car, no job, no money, and a short list of friends, it doesn't mean that my life is bad. It doesn't mean that those things wont change, because they will. With persistence and hard work, nothing will stay the same. I can get a new car, I can get a new job, I can meet new people, and I can see that nothing in life is permanent.
And that's really hard for me to see because I've been so focused on the negative against me that I was blinded to those good things. Like a new life addition a bundle of joy! My family is healthy, That short list of friends are the best friends that are honest and true, I am energetic and full of life, I like that and others seem to. And even though I only see those people one day out of months, it means everything to me that I still feel so close to them. Like Grace and Ryan. Just being around them makes life so much better, and to know who really cares and who really doesn't deserve me.
All in all I really wish,.....
You know what? I wrote I wish, but I am tired of wishing instead of putting an effort to make them reality, I will not let anyone talk down on me, treat me wrong, or be hypocritical towards me. I now am stronger than I will ever be about my life. I am here to take control of it and not cower before obstacles or people standing in my way of happiness. I will not let them control my emotions or my beliefs and I will not take control of theirs.
I feel like 108729827X better for sticking up for myself. Even if it means you know losing a friend. It's better to lose a friend who puts you down, then to lose yourself in a bad friendship. Same goes for relationships.
And speaking of that... I am more happy than I would have ever been Derek. I look back at those emotions and memories and I see a naive young girl, who didn't follow her instincts, or emotions. And I look at myself with Quintin, and I see a woman who is herself, who stands up for her rights, who has dignity and respect, and isn't afraid to be alone. I am so grateful for the things that I've gone through to show me just what kind of relationship I want to be in. I am not forced or blackmailed into loving someone. I have my own choices and he has his. Even if this relationship fails, I will know that I gave my all and that nothing more I could have done would have been enough. I hope that doesn't happen because I love the guy, but I know that I am who I am and I am who I will be. If that makes any sense!
So people come and go. There's no stopping what will happen, but if I don't have a say in the matter then I will feel my life is worthless. Like my life has no meaning if I don't live it myself.
I want to bestow my knowledge to my good friends, but its one thing to know, and one thing to experience. You can give all the advice and facts, but it's not the same as knowing what to do when that time comes. I hope for all my friends going through those same problems I did, that they do so with love for themselves and love for god in their hearts.
P.S. I CAN'T WAIT FOR CARISSA TO POP OUT THAT KID!!!!!!!!
... this is going to be the greatest adventure ever.