Brigits_flame: Chaos

[bootler]

Ah, the Santa Clause Parade. Everyone loves a parade, right? Even when it's all but freezing, everyone enjoys the spectacle. The gaudy floats, the shriners in their little cars, the marching bands

Comments

Editor here... Reporting in!

[wierdauntie]

Hey there, sorry to see you didn't make it to the next round. I was trying to figure out what didn't quite work with this piece, why it didn't grab enough votes. So here are my ideas:

I think you should have started with the quotes, let them grab the reader's attention and pique their interest rather than the "everyone loves a parade, right?"

Also, many people are nonmusical and have never picked up an instrument let alone been in band. Somehow you have to bring us nonband people in, and the chaos at the beginning is great. Perhaps follow it with an "in vivo" description of what it's like to play. "I feel the notes in my fingers and the vibration of my lips, and after all the practicing the little black motes on paper translate instantly into song" and the FEELING of how it is to be marching down the street playing as one entity... find some metaphors: "a hive of chaotic looking bees, suddenly the bandmaster gives the signal and we, the parts, make up a whole greater than any one of us..."

Anyway after the opening dialogue the rest just didn't bring me into your experience. I hope that's not too harsh but to grow we need to know what readers need to really move them.
Happy holidays and I wish I could hear you playing!
W