Brigits_flame: Chaos
Ah, the Santa Clause Parade. Everyone loves a parade, right? Even when it's all but freezing, everyone enjoys the spectacle. The gaudy floats, the shriners in their little cars, the marching bands
( Read more... )
The marching bands. [I understand that this was a stylistic decision, and it doesn’t conflict with the remainder of the story, but it’s the kind of flash that makes you seem too eager to impress the reader this early in.]
"What do you mean you can't remember Jingle Bells? It's the easiest song we play!"[A sweep of dialogue from unknown sources is always a classic way to illustrate a crowd of anxious people.]
Crowded in a small church basement[,] almost a hundred people need to get changed into uniform, unpack their instruments, go through their warm-ups and attempt to tune.[,] Not that tuning will matter all that much once we get outside. Every year I've played in the Santa Clause Parade, my instrument froze about halfway through and refused to play more than a few specific notes. [Tell us the notes to tickle the other musicians, or better yet, describe what they sound like.]
[But, = unnecessary and always a bad way to begin a sentence if you can avoid it] despite how chaotic things look now, soon we will be a single unit. [We will be]Dressed the same, marching in time, harmonizing perfectly. We will all find our gloves, our hats, our second pairs of socks. We will form into our block and march down the street as one.
And if I can't play anymore by the end of the parade, well, that's okay. To be honest, I sort of flubbed on memorizing Jingle Bells anyway.
[This seems more like a blog entry than a narrative, not that that is inherently a bad thing. Frankly it needs a bit more. We can imagine the scene easily, but you don’t quite give us enough to want to imagine it vividly. The tone is consistent and warm for the most part, so with a little more substance it’s sure to get more smiles.]
Reply
Leave a comment