Brigits_flame: Mud

[bootler]

When I was growing up there were two ways to get to my best friend Peter's house. The first was along the streets which was safe, well-lit at night, boring during the day, and took 40 minutes to walk. Or I could go across the field which was bumpy, pitch black at night, a riot of colour during the day, and only took 23 minutes to run. In the

Comments

[jamais_toujours]

Heya :).

I'm one of your editors for this week. I just wanted to start off by saying I really enjoyed this piece. You captured not only the character of the narrator, but also gave an insight into the personalities of the other characters too, and the dynamics of the relationships between them all. The dialogue between the girl's parents was realistic, as was the description of her relationship with the two boys. The ending was bittersweet; the children made up, but the girl had lost a part of herself in the process. It gave me the impression that she would never be the same childish, carefree tomboy again, the incident taking her a step towards growing up, something which inevitably happens to us all. It made me feel sad for the girl in a way. As someone else has said before in your comments, to invoke such an emotional response in your readers shows great skill. Good job!

However, to nit-pick, I did spot a few grammar errors. They are the following:

1. The first was along the streets, which was safe, well-lit at night, boring during the day, and took 40 minutes to walk - Generally, which is only used when you are referring to a person, otherwise use 'that'. And numbers under one hundred tend to be written as words in literary pieces. Also, I found the description a bit too long. Maybe if you tried something like "The first was along the safe streets that were quiet during the day and well -lit at night, and took me forty minutes to walk."

2. Or I could go across the field which was bumpy, pitch-black at night, a riot of colour during the day, and only took 23 minutes to run. - Again, I'd recommend you use 'that' instead of 'which' and use write out the numbers. Also, I think it would be better if you emphasised the contrast between the field route and the streets more, for example : "Or I could go across the bumpy field that, in comparison to the dull streets, was a riot of colour during the day, but pitch black at night."

3. If it was my mother, the chances were I was wearing a dress. - I think the sentence would flow better if you changed 'was' to 'would be' i.e. "If it was my mother, the chances were I would be wearing a dress."

4. So I would arrive at a run... - Again, nothing wrong with it, but I just think it would flow better if you said "I would arrive running"

5. Seasons don't take a capital letter (unless it's different where you're from? Not sure).

6. Into my mother's arm - I think you meant 'arms'.

Great job and good luck!

[bootler]

Thanks very much for the feedback! I'm very glad to hear that you enjoyed the piece overall. I'm also not sure where my brain was for the seasons, for some reason I was convinced they took a capital letter. Temporary insanity, I suppose.

Thanks again!