Possibly maybe...
I feel so GOOD tonight! Good enough to add that exclamation mark, and it's down to good friends - one in particular.
Stuart came to stay on Tuesday, and it began a weird but ultimately good couple of days. I rejected the drug pipe and got antsy about certain things like how we have become so different, but essentially it was the same - laughing at things, and big hugs and loyalty. Arguing with someone about a Scrabble match and then crying unchecked on their shoulder about your heartaches and then going and getting drunk is an incredibly gorgeous thing sometimes. As someone who still often considers herself an only child, it felt great to have my brother back. I don't think he'll ever really go away, no matter what else happens in our lives, and that is such a comforting thing.
We went to the Arc for Barry's birthday, and although I'm not convinced he had as good a time as he should have,it was still good fun.This random guy came and sat next to me, and we chatted; I didn't find himirritating enough to be rude to, and we shatted for a while and kissed for a while and chatted some more before the club shut and we all had to leave. We were supposed to go on a date tonight, but he hasn't called for whatever reason. I should probably feel bad about that, but I don't - partly because I'm not convinced I'm ready to go out with someone, and partly because he was a bit more blonde than I'm used to, but mainly because it was just so nice to snog someone in a club like we were both fifteen and to know that there are people in the world that find me attrcative who aren't physically and mentally repulsive to me. I find the discrepancy between what I know about life and what I feel about it so weird these days, and it's nice to feel somethign like hope after this shit time.
I saw him walk past the pub twice on Thursday,and it was hard - the first time I cried and bitched about how he had been walking - fast, and jaunty, and chatting to his brother, not even imagining I might see, not thinking or caring about it - and what he deserved. I bored myself, to be honest, and it led to so many bad feelings. The second timehe walked past Stuart offered to hit him for me and it felt so nice to have that kind of loyalty on my side. I still think abouthim a lot, but I know time will make it all different.
Suzanne and Lawrence are back, though so far I've only seen them briefly. Suzanne drunk is someone so exuberant and brutally honest but concerned for your happiness that you can't fail to be happy afterwards. I'm really looking forward to drink and swimming on Sunday as a chance to catch up.
What else - I got up early today and went for a bikini wax and was flirted with by the man in the bank. After that I wandered around town by myself waiting for Stuart to get up, get ready and come meet me. It felt so nice to walk round town and be happy with my own company and my mp3 player and the world going on around me, and then this evening I met up with Leda. We talked about creativity and nude photographs and Lee Miller and job satisfaction and we are going to start meeting up more to talk about writing and drawing and whatever other projects there may be to discuss. I feel so genuinely, heart-stoppingly excited about the idea, like anything is possible, and it's the first thing I've felt properly positive about in ages.
Possibility, hope and excitement... a good combination of feelings for someone who looks like she has nothing now. I have ideas, and I have friends, and these are precious things in a world like the one we live in - more precious than a cheating heart or a consolation girlfriend, or a brother'sbirthday in York, or anything he has that I don't.
Stuart came to stay on Tuesday, and it began a weird but ultimately good couple of days. I rejected the drug pipe and got antsy about certain things like how we have become so different, but essentially it was the same - laughing at things, and big hugs and loyalty. Arguing with someone about a Scrabble match and then crying unchecked on their shoulder about your heartaches and then going and getting drunk is an incredibly gorgeous thing sometimes. As someone who still often considers herself an only child, it felt great to have my brother back. I don't think he'll ever really go away, no matter what else happens in our lives, and that is such a comforting thing.
We went to the Arc for Barry's birthday, and although I'm not convinced he had as good a time as he should have,it was still good fun.This random guy came and sat next to me, and we chatted; I didn't find himirritating enough to be rude to, and we shatted for a while and kissed for a while and chatted some more before the club shut and we all had to leave. We were supposed to go on a date tonight, but he hasn't called for whatever reason. I should probably feel bad about that, but I don't - partly because I'm not convinced I'm ready to go out with someone, and partly because he was a bit more blonde than I'm used to, but mainly because it was just so nice to snog someone in a club like we were both fifteen and to know that there are people in the world that find me attrcative who aren't physically and mentally repulsive to me. I find the discrepancy between what I know about life and what I feel about it so weird these days, and it's nice to feel somethign like hope after this shit time.
I saw him walk past the pub twice on Thursday,and it was hard - the first time I cried and bitched about how he had been walking - fast, and jaunty, and chatting to his brother, not even imagining I might see, not thinking or caring about it - and what he deserved. I bored myself, to be honest, and it led to so many bad feelings. The second timehe walked past Stuart offered to hit him for me and it felt so nice to have that kind of loyalty on my side. I still think abouthim a lot, but I know time will make it all different.
Suzanne and Lawrence are back, though so far I've only seen them briefly. Suzanne drunk is someone so exuberant and brutally honest but concerned for your happiness that you can't fail to be happy afterwards. I'm really looking forward to drink and swimming on Sunday as a chance to catch up.
What else - I got up early today and went for a bikini wax and was flirted with by the man in the bank. After that I wandered around town by myself waiting for Stuart to get up, get ready and come meet me. It felt so nice to walk round town and be happy with my own company and my mp3 player and the world going on around me, and then this evening I met up with Leda. We talked about creativity and nude photographs and Lee Miller and job satisfaction and we are going to start meeting up more to talk about writing and drawing and whatever other projects there may be to discuss. I feel so genuinely, heart-stoppingly excited about the idea, like anything is possible, and it's the first thing I've felt properly positive about in ages.
Possibility, hope and excitement... a good combination of feelings for someone who looks like she has nothing now. I have ideas, and I have friends, and these are precious things in a world like the one we live in - more precious than a cheating heart or a consolation girlfriend, or a brother'sbirthday in York, or anything he has that I don't.