[Saiyuki]
First finished fic since September!
(There's an unfinished one on my normal journal but I'm only posting it here once I finish it. If I finish it. Gah.)
Title: Kill the Buddha
Author: kazaera
Rating: PG?
Genre: Angst, introspection, Sanzo being a social retard.
Pairing: Gen. However, feel free to read it as SanzoxHakkai or HakkaixGojyo if you want; the hints are there even if they're not intended to be read that way.
Notes: Spoilers for Gojyo and Hakkai's arc of the Burial manga. Knowledge thereof would be helpful as well although I suppose you can read it without. Plus, quite a bit of the dialogue is lifted from the Tokyopop translation of it.
*****
If Sanzo had known what taking responsibility for the newly-born Cho Hakkai would mean, he probably wouldn't have done it.
"Shall I close the shutters, Sanzo?"
Certainly he hadn't thought this would happen. He had expected (blood, death, madness) - he isn't quite sure. Resentment, maybe. Hatred. Whatever one expects from a mass murderer one has captured and brought to justice (and Gonou was not his first, or second, or even third so he thought he knew what to expect). He certainly wasn't prepared for this - attachment. This gratitude.
Like Goku, he thinks, and winces.
"I could pick up some cigarettes in town for you, Sanzo."
No, even Goku was (is) better than this. Even directly after being freed from the cave, when he thought Sanzo could make the moon shine and pick the stars from the sky, he was never so-
Subservient.
"Would you like some tea, Sanzo?"
Sanzo grinds his teeth to bite down his retort and tells himself that this is a phase. Hakkai is no Goku, no innocent, adoring child. Hakkai is a man with a calculating smile and blood-stained hands and madness lurking behind his eyes. Someday soon Hakkai will realise that Sanzo is no hero, no savior. Is just a failure of a priest to whom he owes no thanks and certainly no loyalty.
Perhaps then they will be able to have a real conversation.
*****
Well, if he has a new hanger-on he may as well make use of him, he decides one day. True, Hakkai may already be helping with the monkey's lessons (which aren't actually going that well; why is the idiot using food?) but Hakkai comes together with Gojyo these days and the kappa isn't doing anything remotely worthwhile. Besides, they are both strong and the Sanbutsushin have been giving him far too many errands lately.
They shouldn't have any problems doing a few of them for him.
Gojyo disagrees vehemently, which is to be expected. Gojyo would disagree if Sanzo told him the sky was blue (and it is blue, orange paper against the blue - and that thought is locked away)
But Hakkai-
"I would also like to decline the offer."
Decline?
"I want to continue living peacefully from now on..."
He-
"...you are the one who gave me that opportunity."
And suddenly Sanzo is furious.
He is furious not because Hakkai isn't going to help him, although that stings, much more deeply than it should (and something twists in his gut at that).
Not because Hakkai is denying him his help for such a ludicruos, selfish reason - because he wants a peaceful life, one without bloodshed (and how dare he? asks a part of him, the part that agrees with the Sanbutsushin. How dare he, this sinner, this murderer, ask such a thing for himself? But another part wants to let Hakkai have it all the same, and that is more frightening than anything else.)
Not for any such reason.
He is furious because of the way Hakkai says it - you are the one who gave me that opportunity - the way he looks at him, so grateful and trusting and-
-and he realises that this is not going to stop, that he will have Hakkai's unwavering devotion until the end of his days (and he is not a hero, he is not a savior because how can he ever save anyone if he can't even save himself? Why do they keep asking him for the things he can't give?) and he can't do this again, can't live with another one but no one is giving him a choice-
Unless.
"You useless punks."
Gojyo's hand presses against his neck and he is hurt, contemptuous, furious - but it still takes effort to dredge up the biting, hurtful words that usually come so easily, more effort than it has in years-
He manages.
"A tainted object doesn't have the right to act clean."
He sees Hakkai's face, Hakkai's eyes, reads Hakkai's emotions looking through them.
"A rag has a rag's role to play."
First comes the hurt, the bone-deep wrenching hurt - tainted. I am tainted - as his cruel words slice exactly the way they were meant to.
"You guys are pathetic."
Then, for just a second, a fleeting look anger and betrayal side by side - how can you say that to me?
"You can't change your life that easily."
Then a glimpse of wry understanding. I know what you are trying to do and why.
"You can't."
Then nothing.
Hakkai's face is blank and his eyes are dark; there is nothing to be read here.
Sanzo watches him when he leaves and wonders why the strange ache in his chest won't go away.
*****
Hakkai still comes to the temple as often as before - for jobs, for lessons, for parole - but his face remains blank and his smile is false and empty.
And if sometimes Sanzo sees him with the kappa, sees him smiling a real smile and if sometimes Sanzo feels that ache in his chest again-
(muichimotsu)
he ignores it.
It is better this way.
*****
I'm not quite happy with this - the beginning is awful as the bunny consisted solely of the last bit so I fudged the entire first half and there are stylistic breaks all over the place and I don't think I managed to express the second reason for Sanzo's actions properly.
Still.
Crossposted at 1000_miles_west and saiyuki
(There's an unfinished one on my normal journal but I'm only posting it here once I finish it. If I finish it. Gah.)
Title: Kill the Buddha
Author: kazaera
Rating: PG?
Genre: Angst, introspection, Sanzo being a social retard.
Pairing: Gen. However, feel free to read it as SanzoxHakkai or HakkaixGojyo if you want; the hints are there even if they're not intended to be read that way.
Notes: Spoilers for Gojyo and Hakkai's arc of the Burial manga. Knowledge thereof would be helpful as well although I suppose you can read it without. Plus, quite a bit of the dialogue is lifted from the Tokyopop translation of it.
*****
If Sanzo had known what taking responsibility for the newly-born Cho Hakkai would mean, he probably wouldn't have done it.
"Shall I close the shutters, Sanzo?"
Certainly he hadn't thought this would happen. He had expected (blood, death, madness) - he isn't quite sure. Resentment, maybe. Hatred. Whatever one expects from a mass murderer one has captured and brought to justice (and Gonou was not his first, or second, or even third so he thought he knew what to expect). He certainly wasn't prepared for this - attachment. This gratitude.
Like Goku, he thinks, and winces.
"I could pick up some cigarettes in town for you, Sanzo."
No, even Goku was (is) better than this. Even directly after being freed from the cave, when he thought Sanzo could make the moon shine and pick the stars from the sky, he was never so-
Subservient.
"Would you like some tea, Sanzo?"
Sanzo grinds his teeth to bite down his retort and tells himself that this is a phase. Hakkai is no Goku, no innocent, adoring child. Hakkai is a man with a calculating smile and blood-stained hands and madness lurking behind his eyes. Someday soon Hakkai will realise that Sanzo is no hero, no savior. Is just a failure of a priest to whom he owes no thanks and certainly no loyalty.
Perhaps then they will be able to have a real conversation.
*****
Well, if he has a new hanger-on he may as well make use of him, he decides one day. True, Hakkai may already be helping with the monkey's lessons (which aren't actually going that well; why is the idiot using food?) but Hakkai comes together with Gojyo these days and the kappa isn't doing anything remotely worthwhile. Besides, they are both strong and the Sanbutsushin have been giving him far too many errands lately.
They shouldn't have any problems doing a few of them for him.
Gojyo disagrees vehemently, which is to be expected. Gojyo would disagree if Sanzo told him the sky was blue (and it is blue, orange paper against the blue - and that thought is locked away)
But Hakkai-
"I would also like to decline the offer."
Decline?
"I want to continue living peacefully from now on..."
He-
"...you are the one who gave me that opportunity."
And suddenly Sanzo is furious.
He is furious not because Hakkai isn't going to help him, although that stings, much more deeply than it should (and something twists in his gut at that).
Not because Hakkai is denying him his help for such a ludicruos, selfish reason - because he wants a peaceful life, one without bloodshed (and how dare he? asks a part of him, the part that agrees with the Sanbutsushin. How dare he, this sinner, this murderer, ask such a thing for himself? But another part wants to let Hakkai have it all the same, and that is more frightening than anything else.)
Not for any such reason.
He is furious because of the way Hakkai says it - you are the one who gave me that opportunity - the way he looks at him, so grateful and trusting and-
-and he realises that this is not going to stop, that he will have Hakkai's unwavering devotion until the end of his days (and he is not a hero, he is not a savior because how can he ever save anyone if he can't even save himself? Why do they keep asking him for the things he can't give?) and he can't do this again, can't live with another one but no one is giving him a choice-
Unless.
"You useless punks."
Gojyo's hand presses against his neck and he is hurt, contemptuous, furious - but it still takes effort to dredge up the biting, hurtful words that usually come so easily, more effort than it has in years-
He manages.
"A tainted object doesn't have the right to act clean."
He sees Hakkai's face, Hakkai's eyes, reads Hakkai's emotions looking through them.
"A rag has a rag's role to play."
First comes the hurt, the bone-deep wrenching hurt - tainted. I am tainted - as his cruel words slice exactly the way they were meant to.
"You guys are pathetic."
Then, for just a second, a fleeting look anger and betrayal side by side - how can you say that to me?
"You can't change your life that easily."
Then a glimpse of wry understanding. I know what you are trying to do and why.
"You can't."
Then nothing.
Hakkai's face is blank and his eyes are dark; there is nothing to be read here.
Sanzo watches him when he leaves and wonders why the strange ache in his chest won't go away.
*****
Hakkai still comes to the temple as often as before - for jobs, for lessons, for parole - but his face remains blank and his smile is false and empty.
And if sometimes Sanzo sees him with the kappa, sees him smiling a real smile and if sometimes Sanzo feels that ache in his chest again-
(muichimotsu)
he ignores it.
It is better this way.
*****
I'm not quite happy with this - the beginning is awful as the bunny consisted solely of the last bit so I fudged the entire first half and there are stylistic breaks all over the place and I don't think I managed to express the second reason for Sanzo's actions properly.
Still.
Crossposted at 1000_miles_west and saiyuki