Mental Health Uodate
I find myself in the dreaded “now what” phase after Phil’s passing. You would think it would be easier since I had experienced it with Jordan as well. If anything it is worse this time around.
I found myself falling into the same trap and finding an immediate and new thing to pour my energies into and stopped myself twice already. To varying degrees of success.
The hardest in letting go is the letting go without the required “plan b” or in this case “relationship E”.
You want to have what you had. I want the military man fragility mixed with sterness that I had w Jordan and I want the laugh and smile and there is alwys room for desert that I had with Phil. I want the spontaniety of intimacy in sudden unannounced urgency and passion. I miss hugging some good morning and after hugging them good night again.
Part of me feels rudderless or incomplete without someone to share all that is happening around us...
I miss hugs. And waking up to precoffee smile of “i am glad to you are here now go get my coffee.”
There are obstacles. There are certain people in this world and in our lives that no matter the attractiveness, the perfection, the “juicy center” looks like it is there... once tasted it becomes bitter and unattainable. You spit it out... oh that is horrible. Only several years later asking yourself it still looks so good
“why didnt I like it last time? “You foolishly ask.
The aftertaste of regret never seems to linger so it tastes just as bad when you start reaching for it again.
I am not 100% when alone... so the “now what” will continue... God and whatever other forces will take care of that in time. My mother lost my father when she was 56 and she never found someone else. Is that my destiny?
Asking questions like this are foolish... pursuing the fruit that dangles that you know is unpleasant is foolish..
Yet here I am again asking “Now what Drew?”
It kinda sucks