(no subject)
So I spoke to some people and things are straighten out. I was thinking again today, I mean, I was more worried.
I'm happy for Kristy. She seems so happy and I realized if that means that me and her can't be like we were then that's fine. Tonight, Tiff stopped into work with Julie. I mentioned a little of what was going on and she understood that we all are busy. Even she and I don't talk much anymore. We don't hang out at all like we used to. Every night it was me and her. Now, it's not.
Most people aren't realizing, I work. I love working where I am. I'm, for the first time, appreciated for the work I'm doing. I'm thought so highly of and at one I was willing to give it up. Tonight, my coversation with Mike made me realize I need to learn to leave my fucked up esteem in the gutter. They love me there and I love being there. I might have to leave that cushion but until then, I'd rather be at work then hanging out with anyone.
I used to think Kristy was crazy because she was always at work, she was always too busy to hang with us. It used to bug me that I wasn't with my friends. I purposely sat home just in case they called. I put up with shit I didn't want to put up with. But, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of it all.
Mike let me vent tonight and it helped. All that was bottled up is now done. I don't want to explode like I once did. A friend of mine had been having a hard time. He's finally released on the past and current burdens as well he should have. But look at it this way, he's regretting it to a degree. Had he let it out as the times came, there would be no sit down. Had the other involved realized how bad he could be, he wouldn't be looking at friendships on a thin line. Had someone saw the real problem, the outburst wouldn't have effected them like it did. I worry about you two. You were the kind of friendship I wanted. I'll admit, I have had a crush on one of you. It's not like it matters because you both go for the girls the other wants. You only see what you can't have. I'm sure Chris will have a hay day when he reads this but I'm serious. T, you've got a great heart and I wish you knew there was more to a girl then her tight ass... LOL, just kidding. J, you've give some great hugs but I wish you would see a girl and treat her like she should be. I've had a crush on T since I first met that little bugger. He just didn't see me like that. "The little sister" that gets old. But I won't stress on it anymore. I've been thinking that I shouldn't worry about guys or gals anymore. Less stress is good. And that's less stress on me not worrying about who likes me and who doesn't. I'm just me.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy for hanging out with my grandparents instead of my friends. I have a few friends. But, I've learned that my family is more important. They are the ones that are going to be there. I'm so happy seeing them. I go over there just because I can.
Certain people lack that. They don't think, there isn't as much time as they think. They worry about the next car payment. They wonder where the money's going to come from. They worry that the man next to them doesn't see them. They hopes are based on love and they don't think about the ones they love. Everyday should be a celebration of happiness and joy and love. People forget about the people that raised them. Some families aren't families but just another statistic. I finally realized that I'm one lucky bitch. Although I've had problems with my mother, my father, my brother; they're here. They can see me. They know I'm here for them like they have been for me on several accounts. I've been questioning that daily. I wonder about my mother. I cry about my father. And I fight with my brother. But without all that, I wouldn't have realized how much I have. I forgot about my heart. They are my heart. I can't wait to have the love my mother and father once shared. I can't wait to be able to love like my grandparents love. I can't wait to have a relationship like my dad and Amy... as much as that sickens me sometimes. LOL. But I'd rather spend everyday with my grandparents, mother, father, brother, aunt, uncle - then worry about my next pay check, my next class, my next step in life because they are my next step.
I think I've killed everyone on eye sight so I'm going to head to bed. I've got to get up in the morning to hang out with my grandpa. I get to see them Saturday!!!!!!! I'm excited.
I'm happy for Kristy. She seems so happy and I realized if that means that me and her can't be like we were then that's fine. Tonight, Tiff stopped into work with Julie. I mentioned a little of what was going on and she understood that we all are busy. Even she and I don't talk much anymore. We don't hang out at all like we used to. Every night it was me and her. Now, it's not.
Most people aren't realizing, I work. I love working where I am. I'm, for the first time, appreciated for the work I'm doing. I'm thought so highly of and at one I was willing to give it up. Tonight, my coversation with Mike made me realize I need to learn to leave my fucked up esteem in the gutter. They love me there and I love being there. I might have to leave that cushion but until then, I'd rather be at work then hanging out with anyone.
I used to think Kristy was crazy because she was always at work, she was always too busy to hang with us. It used to bug me that I wasn't with my friends. I purposely sat home just in case they called. I put up with shit I didn't want to put up with. But, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of it all.
Mike let me vent tonight and it helped. All that was bottled up is now done. I don't want to explode like I once did. A friend of mine had been having a hard time. He's finally released on the past and current burdens as well he should have. But look at it this way, he's regretting it to a degree. Had he let it out as the times came, there would be no sit down. Had the other involved realized how bad he could be, he wouldn't be looking at friendships on a thin line. Had someone saw the real problem, the outburst wouldn't have effected them like it did. I worry about you two. You were the kind of friendship I wanted. I'll admit, I have had a crush on one of you. It's not like it matters because you both go for the girls the other wants. You only see what you can't have. I'm sure Chris will have a hay day when he reads this but I'm serious. T, you've got a great heart and I wish you knew there was more to a girl then her tight ass... LOL, just kidding. J, you've give some great hugs but I wish you would see a girl and treat her like she should be. I've had a crush on T since I first met that little bugger. He just didn't see me like that. "The little sister" that gets old. But I won't stress on it anymore. I've been thinking that I shouldn't worry about guys or gals anymore. Less stress is good. And that's less stress on me not worrying about who likes me and who doesn't. I'm just me.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy for hanging out with my grandparents instead of my friends. I have a few friends. But, I've learned that my family is more important. They are the ones that are going to be there. I'm so happy seeing them. I go over there just because I can.
Certain people lack that. They don't think, there isn't as much time as they think. They worry about the next car payment. They wonder where the money's going to come from. They worry that the man next to them doesn't see them. They hopes are based on love and they don't think about the ones they love. Everyday should be a celebration of happiness and joy and love. People forget about the people that raised them. Some families aren't families but just another statistic. I finally realized that I'm one lucky bitch. Although I've had problems with my mother, my father, my brother; they're here. They can see me. They know I'm here for them like they have been for me on several accounts. I've been questioning that daily. I wonder about my mother. I cry about my father. And I fight with my brother. But without all that, I wouldn't have realized how much I have. I forgot about my heart. They are my heart. I can't wait to have the love my mother and father once shared. I can't wait to be able to love like my grandparents love. I can't wait to have a relationship like my dad and Amy... as much as that sickens me sometimes. LOL. But I'd rather spend everyday with my grandparents, mother, father, brother, aunt, uncle - then worry about my next pay check, my next class, my next step in life because they are my next step.
I think I've killed everyone on eye sight so I'm going to head to bed. I've got to get up in the morning to hang out with my grandpa. I get to see them Saturday!!!!!!! I'm excited.