losing it
I'm so drained right now. I have no money and can't find a job. I have so much homework to do and feel like I don't have enough time to do it even though I do. I'm just too damn lazy all the time that I put everything off until the last minute. My parents are getting divorced. My dad treats my mom like shit and she's finally doing something about it. My dad is gonna end up getting the house and my mom will end up in some tiny apartment. I'm closer to my mom, but my room is at my house. It makes me wonder where I will go for breaks...and for summmer for that matter. My boyfriend is what keeps me going. When I'm with him everything feels like its gonna be ok. But he goes to school 2 and a half hours away. So I only see him on weekends. Sometimes I just wanna run away from everything. I don't wanna be in school. But without school I'll never get a good job so I don't have much of a choice right now. I'm gonna be paying off my student loans forever. I just wanna be done. I wanna be done with school. I wanna have a good job. I wanna be married. Sometimes I really think that Dustin could be the person I spend the rest of my life with. But I know that most people would say that we havn't really been together long enough for me to say that. So instead I'll just say I hope that in the end he will be mine forever. I dream of the day I can wake up beside him every single day. I dream of having children. I want the story book life I really do. And I see all of that with him. Blah now that I'm gettin all mushy I'm gonna stop.
Aside from that I feel alone sometimes. I know I have a great boyfriend who is always there for me. And I know my family is always there for me. But sometimes it feels like I don't have any true friends. Like I have nobody that would be there for me. I don't feel close to any of my friends. I feel that we have all grown apart. Jason was my best friend for the past 4 years. Well almost 5 now. Since I was 15 Jason was the person I turned to. He always gave me the best advice and had a way to make me feel better. I miss him. I wish that we could be friends. I know he says that he can be friends with me, but I don't know if he really can. Thhe last thing I wanna do is hurt him more than I already have. I want more than anything for him to find a girl that will make him happy. I hope that when he gets out of jail or work study whatever...I hope he really keeps himself out of trouble and gets on the right path. He is very smart and talented in may ways. He has so much potential.
Anyway I don't know how I got from no money and my parents to talking about Jason. But I guess I should try to get some work done. It's amazing how much better you feel after writing in this thing. Its such a great way to get everything off your chest. You don't have to wait for someone to say anything. And even if nobody reads this, you still have a way to get everything out....
Aside from that I feel alone sometimes. I know I have a great boyfriend who is always there for me. And I know my family is always there for me. But sometimes it feels like I don't have any true friends. Like I have nobody that would be there for me. I don't feel close to any of my friends. I feel that we have all grown apart. Jason was my best friend for the past 4 years. Well almost 5 now. Since I was 15 Jason was the person I turned to. He always gave me the best advice and had a way to make me feel better. I miss him. I wish that we could be friends. I know he says that he can be friends with me, but I don't know if he really can. Thhe last thing I wanna do is hurt him more than I already have. I want more than anything for him to find a girl that will make him happy. I hope that when he gets out of jail or work study whatever...I hope he really keeps himself out of trouble and gets on the right path. He is very smart and talented in may ways. He has so much potential.
Anyway I don't know how I got from no money and my parents to talking about Jason. But I guess I should try to get some work done. It's amazing how much better you feel after writing in this thing. Its such a great way to get everything off your chest. You don't have to wait for someone to say anything. And even if nobody reads this, you still have a way to get everything out....