ok, time to come clean
Alright, in just over nine hours I will be seeing my GP about my cold.
I am going to use this time to bring up other health issues that I have been grappling with. Over the last 5 years I have grappled with depression ranging in various degrees of seriousness. The problem is that I just don't know how.
Over the last 3 or 4 months it has been the worst. I had a small nervous breakdown (my diagnosis) in November which peaked at a trip to Timezone. I suddenly became incredibly agressive and hyper-competitive. I have been contemplating suicide in detail - note, place, method.
I have retreated into my own reality. I have decided that life isn't worth living unless you can achieve or at least work towards something on a grand scale.
I've become facinated in Stargate. Not necessarily the show, but the concept. I will sit and try and imagine how long one thousand, two thousand, ten thousand...a huindred thousand years are. It's started to consume my life.
I will spend hours on the internet researching ancient history to find something...new.
I've become irritable, pushy and argumentative. I keep asking people why they choose to do things, why they choose to think like that or have that attitude. Why they assume. Why things have unjustified connotations.
I've decided that the meaning of life has two stages. Firstly, when growing up you fight as hard as you can to seperate yourself physically, emotionally and mentally from your parents, then you have kids of your own and do your best to stop them.
I don't just DO anything anymore.
Get Married? Why?
Have kids? Why?
Work? Why?
Live? Why
Get up in the morning? Why?
Watch Today Tonight/A Current Affair and get worked up as they choose easy targets to pick on and then take their unusual and exceptional circumstance and then try to pass it off as the norm? Why?
What's the point?
The thing that I never understood is that if religious people believe that when they die they will confront God (or St Peter at the gates of Heaven), why are they afraid of death?
That doesn't make sense. How could you have a fear of death if what you believe is that they have met their creator?
I digress.
The problem is that I feel like I have already diagnosed myself. Severe Depression or Chronic Schizophrenia.
Maybe I have a Brain tumour?
What I really want to know is why have I spent the last 2 years accumulating random trivia?
Politics, History, Geography, Economics, Sociology, Law, Psychology...
Why?
I talk to people that I have only known for a short period of time and they ask why I'm not at uni.
If that's the case, why was I so bad at school?
If only things were as cool as they are in TV shows.
How cool would it be if there really was a interplanetory influence in our civilisation's history.
Maybe if people were made to confront their own mortality, they would be less inclined towards intolerance?
Here are some facts for us to mull over.
Do you feel the Earth move? You should, it orbits the Sun at an average speed of 107,218km/h
The distance between the Earth and the Sun is 149,598,000 kilometres (1 Astronomical Unit, (AU))
Pluto is 38AU away from the Sun or 5,684,724,000 kilometres away.
The Milky Way is 100,000 light years in diametre, 3,000 light years in thickness and 300,000 light years in circumference. It contains 400 BILLION known stars. A light year is 9,461,000,000,000km.
If the Milky Way was scaled down to 130km, our Solar System would be only 2mm wide.
27,400,000,000 light years - Diameter of the observable universe; data collections from a greater distance than this are currently meaningless
Blow your mind?
I relise this is kind of boring, but just think about it. There is so much to explore, learn, experience and understand. More than we can comprehend. Processes where even the concept is it based on is hard to comprehend.
I guess the ultimate futility in technical progression is that as we learn to travel faster, the distances we want to travel increase.
But that's all material.
What is the point of progressing the Human Race? I relise it seems like a good thing, but have we ever asked why?
Anyway, I'm going to see the doctor in about seven hours so in the meantime I'll try to condense this down a bit and come up with a concise summary.
POSTSCRIPT: I didn't end up saying anything. I just didnt know how.
I am going to use this time to bring up other health issues that I have been grappling with. Over the last 5 years I have grappled with depression ranging in various degrees of seriousness. The problem is that I just don't know how.
Over the last 3 or 4 months it has been the worst. I had a small nervous breakdown (my diagnosis) in November which peaked at a trip to Timezone. I suddenly became incredibly agressive and hyper-competitive. I have been contemplating suicide in detail - note, place, method.
I have retreated into my own reality. I have decided that life isn't worth living unless you can achieve or at least work towards something on a grand scale.
I've become facinated in Stargate. Not necessarily the show, but the concept. I will sit and try and imagine how long one thousand, two thousand, ten thousand...a huindred thousand years are. It's started to consume my life.
I will spend hours on the internet researching ancient history to find something...new.
I've become irritable, pushy and argumentative. I keep asking people why they choose to do things, why they choose to think like that or have that attitude. Why they assume. Why things have unjustified connotations.
I've decided that the meaning of life has two stages. Firstly, when growing up you fight as hard as you can to seperate yourself physically, emotionally and mentally from your parents, then you have kids of your own and do your best to stop them.
I don't just DO anything anymore.
Get Married? Why?
Have kids? Why?
Work? Why?
Live? Why
Get up in the morning? Why?
Watch Today Tonight/A Current Affair and get worked up as they choose easy targets to pick on and then take their unusual and exceptional circumstance and then try to pass it off as the norm? Why?
What's the point?
The thing that I never understood is that if religious people believe that when they die they will confront God (or St Peter at the gates of Heaven), why are they afraid of death?
That doesn't make sense. How could you have a fear of death if what you believe is that they have met their creator?
I digress.
The problem is that I feel like I have already diagnosed myself. Severe Depression or Chronic Schizophrenia.
Maybe I have a Brain tumour?
What I really want to know is why have I spent the last 2 years accumulating random trivia?
Politics, History, Geography, Economics, Sociology, Law, Psychology...
Why?
I talk to people that I have only known for a short period of time and they ask why I'm not at uni.
If that's the case, why was I so bad at school?
If only things were as cool as they are in TV shows.
How cool would it be if there really was a interplanetory influence in our civilisation's history.
Maybe if people were made to confront their own mortality, they would be less inclined towards intolerance?
Here are some facts for us to mull over.
Do you feel the Earth move? You should, it orbits the Sun at an average speed of 107,218km/h
The distance between the Earth and the Sun is 149,598,000 kilometres (1 Astronomical Unit, (AU))
Pluto is 38AU away from the Sun or 5,684,724,000 kilometres away.
The Milky Way is 100,000 light years in diametre, 3,000 light years in thickness and 300,000 light years in circumference. It contains 400 BILLION known stars. A light year is 9,461,000,000,000km.
If the Milky Way was scaled down to 130km, our Solar System would be only 2mm wide.
27,400,000,000 light years - Diameter of the observable universe; data collections from a greater distance than this are currently meaningless
Blow your mind?
I relise this is kind of boring, but just think about it. There is so much to explore, learn, experience and understand. More than we can comprehend. Processes where even the concept is it based on is hard to comprehend.
I guess the ultimate futility in technical progression is that as we learn to travel faster, the distances we want to travel increase.
But that's all material.
What is the point of progressing the Human Race? I relise it seems like a good thing, but have we ever asked why?
Anyway, I'm going to see the doctor in about seven hours so in the meantime I'll try to condense this down a bit and come up with a concise summary.
POSTSCRIPT: I didn't end up saying anything. I just didnt know how.