But I don't WANNA move to Japan.........and many other random thoughts
Well, I've gone and done it. In my attempt to reconcile some things with Anna, I've gone and fucked something up. I don't think I see her the same way anymore. I think we just aren't at the right time for this. I don't know. I love her to death, but I don't want HER to have to change because of me. I feel like I'm a hypocrite, and I'm dirty, and that I'm the lowest form of life on this dead planet. I feel like I've used the problems in our relationship to get what I want. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case, but either way, things don't feel right to me. I wish I knew exactly why I feel like this. I have my doubts. I wonder if us being in this situation will keep us together or split us up. I wonder if we're both in this for the right reasons. I wonder if it can work in the long haul. I wonder if I'm just emotionally screwed. I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and look at the smiley onmy wall and think everything will be ok. Hasn't happened yet. I see it and I think of everything we'll have to face, and wether or not we can overcome it. I think of the things she's asked of me, and those I've asked of her in return, and I see our major differences glaring at me. I wonder if maybe we're trying for something that will hurts us rather than help us. I can only say that I can't give up. I won't give up. Without a fight. Problem is, what if fighting for what I want is what's hurting us? I don't regret, just don't want to hurt her. NEVER want to hurt her. I feel like I'm making all sorts of mistakes, and being the typical asshole guy. I don't want it to be like that......