Doppler Effect
Category: Boomtown
Rating: M
Pairing: David McNorris/ OC
Summary: All she wanted was a new, uncomplicated, psycho free life. Apparently that wasn't going to happen. David McNorris/ Original Character.
Disclaimer: I’m only playing in L.A. for a little while.
37. Prosecute-Month Twenty-Six
Scribbling down notes silently on the case Joel had brought her earlier in the afternoon she didn’t even look up when his partner walked in. Lifting up the pages of the report she looked at one of the photographs for a minute before going back to her analysis. She heard the door click closed and glanced up to find Fearless settling himself in front of her desk. Watching him trying to get comfortable in the old vinyl chair she really thought they should consider getting bigger seating for those people that were larger than average. The detective never did appear to be comfortable sitting in the department. “Can we talk, sweetness?” He asked carefully.
Closing the report immediately she nodded. It was a rare day Fearless asked her for a counseling session, this would only be the second time, and she wasn’t about to turn him away. God only knows what must have happened to prompt this. “Of course.” She set the report down on her desk and gave him her full attention. “What do you want to talk about? Did something happen?”
“I’m sure something did.” He searched her face. “Darcy, I haven’t seen you smile in weeks. What the hell happened that night?”
She was too tired to even be angry that he was asking, that he was blatantly invading her personal life when he had no business to. She was tired of a lot of things. Tanner, Darren, and the other two agents had left six days ago. Her former boss had cleaned the scene, taken the body, and confiscated all the files on the case. It was like he had never existed, erasing all signs that they had been here after someone other than the knowledge that they had stopped by for a couple of weeks as they searched for her. Even the captain had no clue what had really happened, other than the terse report from Tanner that Dana was dead and the situation resolved, and the department was buzzing. That buzzing only increased when she walked in bruised and bandaged and word that McNorris was cut up and limping bad enough to need crutches ripped through the department.
That had been the same six days ago. Six days since Dana was killed, and not by her. Six days of thoughts of failure, rage, guilt, the feeling of incompletion, and the near positive assessment that she’d gone completely insane. Six days of cursing herself for not checking the damn Chevy for a GPS that McNorris had installed, because they lived in L.A. and eventually every car was jacked. Six days of silence between her and David, and six days since he’d started sleeping in the spare room. Six days of sleepless nights that were filled with her running holes in her sneakers as she tried to work out whatever the hell had taken her over and the rather sinking feeling that she couldn’t get rid of it no matter what she did.
When they got home from the hospital, after spending four hours in angry silence in the emergency room, she had expected a shouting match, had wanted one, but it wasn’t what she got. David had shut the door behind them, and limping to the garage had grabbed a box before he started to yank, tear, and rip every camera and recording device in the house out of their hiding places. She watched in shock as he practically tore holes in the wall and sent their possessions flying in every direction from the force. When he was done making a mess he had opened the front door and tossed the box out on the lawn before slamming it closed again. Then, without a word or a look in her direction, he’d limped past her and gone into his office, slamming that door too. She had been left in their trashed living room hurting, angry, and alone. They hadn’t spoken at all since, moving around the house like the other didn’t exist and sleeping in separate rooms. It had been, in a word, awful in every way.
She didn’t want to talk about this with the detective. “Nothing happened.”
“Yeah, and usually you can lie to me with more conviction too. I have a feeling most of the time I don’t even notice it when you do.”
“Nothing happened, Fearless.” She reached out and pulled the report open again. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “I can’t help if you won’t talk to me.”
“I don’t need help.” She responded automatically as she started to go back over the images.
“I don’t think you believe that.”
She pressed her lips together. “I do believe that.”
Fearless eyed her. “Do you really believe that or are you telling yourself that to keep it together?” She really hated when people figured her out. It pissed her off. “Talk to me, Darcy. You listen to me and my partner all the time, it seems time for me to listen back.”
She sighed and set the folder back on her desk feeling the urge to talk to someone. McNorris wasn’t so keen on it and confiding in Fearless would be a safe avenue. The man wouldn’t betray her confidence. “I did something…” She struggled. “I don’t know what I did, stupid isn’t the right word. I don’t know if there is a right word.”
“Did it go down wrong? Catching that woman?”
“Yes.” She fidgeted. “It all went wrong.”
“You wanted to catch her alive?”
“No.” She began to spin her wedding ring around her finger. “I didn’t want to catch her alive.”
Fearless must have seen something dark in her because he fell quiet for several moments. She fell into her own thoughts and the silence stretched for a long time before she finally broke it. “Fearless who do you see?” She didn’t know why she asked him that, maybe it was because she felt like they needed to be on an even playing field before she would dare to bare her soul.
He went stiff all over. “What?”
“Who do you see?” She asked again. She had noticed his invisible friend a long time ago, maybe six or seven months after she started working here. She’d caught him talking to a corner and started to watch him after that. It took her a month, and an odd series of the episodes piled on top of each other during a stressful case to realize it wasn’t a real problem. It wasn’t something they needed to talk about, not something she needed to report or worry herself about. “I know you see someone. You talk to whoever it is.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He couldn’t lie to her. “Yes, you do. I’m not going to report it. If it were a problem Joel wouldn’t let you do it.”
There was another silence, but this one was shorter. “An old friend. His name was Freakshow. He was in my platoon.”
“Were you with him when he died?”
“Yes.” He was searching for something. “I know that makes me crazy-“
“I don’t think that makes you crazy.” She interrupted before he could go farther. “I think that means you have a coping mechanism that works very well for you. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my husband that way.”
Unease rippled over his features. “McNorris is alive, Darcy.”
“My first husband.” She corrected.
He seemed genuinely surprised. “You were married before?”
“Not for very long.” She had turned off her emotions again, her voice distant. “Dana killed him. The DNA you found on the scene was his. The ring that was on that woman’s hand used to be mine. Dana was playing with me, she wanted me to find her.” She twisted her ring again. “So I found her. I’m so good at finding things, Fearless. Finding things is really all I know how to do.”
He ran his hand over his short hair. “You went to kill her?”
“Oh, yes.” She answered, finding it oddly easy to say out loud. “David stopped me and then Tanner shot her while we were fighting.”
“McNorris stopped you from killing her?”
“He won’t even talk to me.” Emotions were starting to ping on the edge of her awareness. “I think he’ll leave me now.”
She could tell Fearless was torn over which way to go with this overabundance of information, but he chose a direction quickly. “Do you have time to hear a story?”
If this had been anyone else she would have thought they were the ones that were insane, but this was Fearless, he talked in stories. Besides, it wasn’t like she was in a hurry to get home. “I always have time for one of your stories.”
“What do you know about Rottweilers?”
That threw her. “The dog?”
“The very one.”
“I don’t…” She searched her memories, she had never been a big pet person, other than the guinea pig she’d had when she was eight. “They’re big?”
He smiled slightly. “Rottweilers have an interesting history. Now, most people think they were first bred in Rome and used as cart dogs and herders. They were bred to be strong and smart. As the Roman’s expanded their territory they broke into Europe, and a little town there became a hub for their supply lines, they herder cattle to feed the armies and the colonies that rose up around the area. The place was called Rot Wile. I think you can work that part out on your own. Now, these dogs did real well for themselves for a long time, but all things end.” She was fixated on him and his story, wondering how he had been granted such a gift and what this had to do with anything at all.
“One day cattle herding became illegal, because we’re fickle things when it comes down to it, and you know as well as me that nothing stays the same forever.” He shrugged, accepting people for what they were. “When that happened these dogs lost their purpose and nearly vanished, pushed out to the edge of usefulness. For a long time they hung on, kept alive by a human here or there, and then their luck changed again. Turned out these dogs were good at more than herding, they were damn good at protecting people. One day a policemen took notice of that and started using the dogs on the job. It worked so well the breed was picked back up again. Soon they were stable, and productive, and had a job to do. Sad thing about it is we changed again. They were so very good at guarding that the German army trained them to be war dogs.”
“Now, what they fought for might not be right, but the dogs didn’t know, didn’t care. Thing about Rottweilers is that they latch onto a person, usually only one, and will do anything to protect them. Doesn’t matter what it’s from or why that person needs to be protected. It gave them a bad rap. Not just the wars, but that some of them were trained after to attack people here and across this country. That’s not the dog’s fault. It’s not the dog’s fault the person they’re protecting has some strange ideas in their head. All they can do is stay close and protect them when it happens.”
“Fearless, what are you driving at?
“Before you came here McNorris was a Rottweiler without anything to herd or protect. He never attached himself to anyone, never even wanted to. He was just hanging on the fringe of things looking for something to tear apart. You turned him on his head and expect him to adapt to it all at once. The man doesn’t know what to do with you. He never had to deal with anything that actually mattered to him emotionally the way you do. All he knows is that he needs to protect you and he did what he had to in order to do that. Now you’re expecting him know what to do in the aftermath.”
“Is this your way of telling me I’m a commy, or are you trying to impart wisdom?” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
“Sweetness, eyes up.” She moved her gaze away from her ring and to his face. “You’ve got him cornered now. You need to tell him if he should fight or sit. He needs some sort of direct from you. If you don’t give him one he’ll maul you to death because he’s confused. He’s not going to leave you; he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. It takes someone special to get a man like that loyal, it doesn’t mean that loyalty won’t ever be tested.”
She turned that over in her head. “After I do that can I tell him you compared him to a poorly trained dog?”
He barked out a laugh. “I’d rather you didn’t. As of now the two of us are on a good playing field. I’d like to keep it that way.”
“You ruin all my fun.” She said with far less perk than normal. “Thank you, it was a good story.”
“All I did was tell it. You can thank the dogs for it.”
“I suppose I should probably go talk to mine first.”
He smiled at her and stood up. “If you need another story let me know.”
“I will.” She was surprised to find that she meant that. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. If nothing else get some sleep this weekend. You look like hell.” What was it about the male species that always made them so damn honest? Seriously, some things could be left unsaid. With a sigh she put her things away and turned off her computer. She couldn’t hide in her office all weekend and she couldn’t live like this for very much longer. It was time to go home and get this sorted out. At the moment she didn’t know if that meant she would be moving out but she needed to find out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When she came in committed to ending this silence, and feeling buoyed by Fearless, McNorris was shoving a pair of sneakers in his gym bag. He didn’t even look up at her as she walked into the bedroom. She stood silently next to the dresser for a moment as she thought about the best way to deal with this. Figuring there wasn’t really a good way she simply started. “David?” He zipped the bag closed with a hard jerk and she felt guilt swamp her, her bravado vanishing. “Are you sure you should be going to the gym with your knee?”
His eyes snapped to her and she nearly flinched at the rage she saw there. “Now you’re going to start worrying about me?”
Her stomach clenched. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” She whispered. “I didn’t mean to.”
“Yes, you did.” He said coldly. “You would have shot me to get at that woman.”
She wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong about that, but really didn’t think she would have gone that far. “I wouldn’t-“
“Enough!” He shouted, his voice rising fast and harshly, and this time she did flinch. “I’m not talking about this! I’m going to pretend it never happened! I’m going to try to forget you snuck out of this house to kill someone, and then tried to your damndest to get me out of the way when I came to save you from yourself!” He threw the strap of the bag over his shoulder. “I refuse to believe I married someone that would do something that insane! I refuse to believe that you would intentionally try to hurt me, or that you would have been more than happy to murder someone! We’re never talking about this again! Do you understand?”
“David, you’re my husband, if I can’t talk to you about this who am I supposed to-“
"Do you understand?” He snarled as he locked his gaze with hers.
“Yes.” She said, her voice cracking. “I understand.” And she did. She understood very clearly that if she wanted to have any part of his life they would never talk about what happened to her, her past, or what she’d done again. At the moment she was so frightened of yet another abandonment, another period of loneliness, that she would have agreed to practically anything. She didn’t want to loose someone else she loved when he was making it so very obvious what it was going to take for him to stay. And what he was asking wasn’t even unreasonable considering what she’d put him through. At least he wasn’t asking her to achieve the impossible the way everyone else she ever wanted had. He wasn’t asking her to overachieve, do more than she’d ever been trained for, or walk into a situation that would most likely end with her hurt or dead. All McNorris was asking for was to pretend that she was normal, or at least relatively normal. Considering she had never wanted to talk about her past to begin with she found this a reasonable stipulation to keep their marriage together. “I won’t talk about it again. I’m sorry about everything. Can we stop fighting?”
“I’ll be back later.” He replied as he turned and walked out of the bedroom and farther into the house. She stood still as he left and heard him shut the garage door behind him with a decisive snap. Her lip began to quiver like crazy at the refusal to even tell her he would think about it and she sank to the floor. So much for giving him some direction. She pressed herself between he wall and the dresser and pulled her legs up to her chest before she started to cry. Panic and disgust hit her at the same time and she curled up tightly as she tried to alleviate her stress. She was certain that when she woke up tomorrow he was going to be gone despite the detective’s assessment and she would have to start all over again. It seemed that Dana had once again managed to destroy her life, and this time she knew she was at fault as well. She wasn’t sure she had the will to do this anymore, not again. The thought, one darker than any she’d had in over two years, only had her more upset. Her cries turned to ragged sobs as she fought not to hyperventilate around her collapse.
Rocking slightly she felt her own nails digging into her legs and didn’t care. The pain wasn’t even really registering. What did register was the feeling of hands on her shoulders. Startled, she smashed herself backward as her head reared up. She saw a watery image of David as he lowered himself down beside her with his knee bent out awkwardly and she tried to get enough air to speak. He saw her struggling and tugged her onto his lap as he shushed her. “Don’t cry, Darcy.” He tightened his arms around her. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I didn’t mean it.” She felt his lips in her hair as his voice gentled, all trace of the rage he had shown a few minutes ago vanished completely. “Baby doll, don’t cry.” She slapped her hand over her mouth in an effort to muffle the noise and he caught it and held it away from her mouth. “I didn’t mean you needed to stop yourself from breathing.”
“Sorry.” She cried out.
He rubbed her back reassuringly. “It’s okay.”
“I’m so fucked up.” She managed. “I think I’m crazy, David.”
“You’re not crazy.” He pulled her up straighter as she started to slump down. “You’re not. You just got hurt and reacted to it. I should have known you were going to do something stupid. I would have done something stupid too, I should have been ready for it.” He sighed. “God knows you would have been ready for it if the roles had been reversed.”
So much for the moratorium on talking about this, it hadn’t even lasted five minutes and Jesus she felt so awful. “I am crazy. She made me into something wrong. I want to be right for you.”
“You’re not wrong.” He tried to assure her.
“I am.” She wept. “You don’t understand what she did to me. I used to be right and then she made something come awake in my head. I can’t make it go back to sleep. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make it stop. I’m a trained clinical psychologist and I have no idea what to do. I need help.” She was crying so hard she didn’t know how he was understanding her. “Will you help me?”
He hugged her tighter and kissed her head. “I’ll help you, baby doll.”
She nodded into his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that, but I’m more sorry I didn’t get to kill her. I’m angry you stopped me.” David simply nodded at that, neither approving nor condemning. “But I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting her. I couldn’t think. I wanted it over.” She shook her head. “You weren’t supposed to be there.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t know what to do to make this better. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” He ran his hands over her. “We’ll work this out. Everything will be all right.”
She pressed into him even as she continued to cry. His reassurance that they were okay, or at least talking again, brought her more relief than she could say, and having him hold her was helping her settle further. It took her a long time to stop crying and when she finally stopped she was slumped against him, mentally and physically exhausted. His hand tangled in her hair and he rubbed her scalp gently. Lifting her arms she wrapped them around him as she hiccupped. Sniffing unattractively, she hid her face in his shoulder. “Will you move back in here with me?” She asked.
“Yes.” He leaned back into the wall. “I’m sorry my temper got the better of me.”
“I’m sorry I’m crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy.” He repeated firmly. “I’ve seen crazy, you aren’t it.”
“You’re still angry with me.” It was a statement of fact, not a question.
He sighed even as he held her. “I’m going to be angry for awhile.”
“I never wanted to ruin this. I wanted us to have a good marriage.”
“You didn’t ruin anything and our marriage isn’t over.” He leaned back into the wall. “I think we both need to calm down before we talk about this anymore.” He rubbed her back. “Let’s go watch one of your horrible movies and then get a solid nights sleep. I don’t think either of us have had one in a while. We can finish this tomorrow when we’re both thinking straight.”
“Okay.” She agreed.
“Okay.” He urged her to her feet. “Go clean up, I’ll be in the living room when you’re done.” She helped him to his feet and he limped out of the room a second time. She changed clothes quickly and went to the bathroom and washed her face. Once she was calm and her face was washed she followed him. He already had the movie starting and he lifted his arm as he sat on the couch. She sat down against him at the silent invitation and he curled his arm around her waist. It took them both a few minutes to relax but by halfway through the movie they were curled up companionably. Feeling better about everything than she ha din days she found his hand with hers and squeezed it gently. He twined their fingers together a moment later and turned his head so he could kiss her forehead. Twisting slightly she tucked her head on his shoulder. She had a feeling this was only a lull in the storm but she was going to take it. They could get back to the thunder and lightning later.
Rating: M
Pairing: David McNorris/ OC
Summary: All she wanted was a new, uncomplicated, psycho free life. Apparently that wasn't going to happen. David McNorris/ Original Character.
Disclaimer: I’m only playing in L.A. for a little while.
37. Prosecute-Month Twenty-Six
Scribbling down notes silently on the case Joel had brought her earlier in the afternoon she didn’t even look up when his partner walked in. Lifting up the pages of the report she looked at one of the photographs for a minute before going back to her analysis. She heard the door click closed and glanced up to find Fearless settling himself in front of her desk. Watching him trying to get comfortable in the old vinyl chair she really thought they should consider getting bigger seating for those people that were larger than average. The detective never did appear to be comfortable sitting in the department. “Can we talk, sweetness?” He asked carefully.
Closing the report immediately she nodded. It was a rare day Fearless asked her for a counseling session, this would only be the second time, and she wasn’t about to turn him away. God only knows what must have happened to prompt this. “Of course.” She set the report down on her desk and gave him her full attention. “What do you want to talk about? Did something happen?”
“I’m sure something did.” He searched her face. “Darcy, I haven’t seen you smile in weeks. What the hell happened that night?”
She was too tired to even be angry that he was asking, that he was blatantly invading her personal life when he had no business to. She was tired of a lot of things. Tanner, Darren, and the other two agents had left six days ago. Her former boss had cleaned the scene, taken the body, and confiscated all the files on the case. It was like he had never existed, erasing all signs that they had been here after someone other than the knowledge that they had stopped by for a couple of weeks as they searched for her. Even the captain had no clue what had really happened, other than the terse report from Tanner that Dana was dead and the situation resolved, and the department was buzzing. That buzzing only increased when she walked in bruised and bandaged and word that McNorris was cut up and limping bad enough to need crutches ripped through the department.
That had been the same six days ago. Six days since Dana was killed, and not by her. Six days of thoughts of failure, rage, guilt, the feeling of incompletion, and the near positive assessment that she’d gone completely insane. Six days of cursing herself for not checking the damn Chevy for a GPS that McNorris had installed, because they lived in L.A. and eventually every car was jacked. Six days of silence between her and David, and six days since he’d started sleeping in the spare room. Six days of sleepless nights that were filled with her running holes in her sneakers as she tried to work out whatever the hell had taken her over and the rather sinking feeling that she couldn’t get rid of it no matter what she did.
When they got home from the hospital, after spending four hours in angry silence in the emergency room, she had expected a shouting match, had wanted one, but it wasn’t what she got. David had shut the door behind them, and limping to the garage had grabbed a box before he started to yank, tear, and rip every camera and recording device in the house out of their hiding places. She watched in shock as he practically tore holes in the wall and sent their possessions flying in every direction from the force. When he was done making a mess he had opened the front door and tossed the box out on the lawn before slamming it closed again. Then, without a word or a look in her direction, he’d limped past her and gone into his office, slamming that door too. She had been left in their trashed living room hurting, angry, and alone. They hadn’t spoken at all since, moving around the house like the other didn’t exist and sleeping in separate rooms. It had been, in a word, awful in every way.
She didn’t want to talk about this with the detective. “Nothing happened.”
“Yeah, and usually you can lie to me with more conviction too. I have a feeling most of the time I don’t even notice it when you do.”
“Nothing happened, Fearless.” She reached out and pulled the report open again. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “I can’t help if you won’t talk to me.”
“I don’t need help.” She responded automatically as she started to go back over the images.
“I don’t think you believe that.”
She pressed her lips together. “I do believe that.”
Fearless eyed her. “Do you really believe that or are you telling yourself that to keep it together?” She really hated when people figured her out. It pissed her off. “Talk to me, Darcy. You listen to me and my partner all the time, it seems time for me to listen back.”
She sighed and set the folder back on her desk feeling the urge to talk to someone. McNorris wasn’t so keen on it and confiding in Fearless would be a safe avenue. The man wouldn’t betray her confidence. “I did something…” She struggled. “I don’t know what I did, stupid isn’t the right word. I don’t know if there is a right word.”
“Did it go down wrong? Catching that woman?”
“Yes.” She fidgeted. “It all went wrong.”
“You wanted to catch her alive?”
“No.” She began to spin her wedding ring around her finger. “I didn’t want to catch her alive.”
Fearless must have seen something dark in her because he fell quiet for several moments. She fell into her own thoughts and the silence stretched for a long time before she finally broke it. “Fearless who do you see?” She didn’t know why she asked him that, maybe it was because she felt like they needed to be on an even playing field before she would dare to bare her soul.
He went stiff all over. “What?”
“Who do you see?” She asked again. She had noticed his invisible friend a long time ago, maybe six or seven months after she started working here. She’d caught him talking to a corner and started to watch him after that. It took her a month, and an odd series of the episodes piled on top of each other during a stressful case to realize it wasn’t a real problem. It wasn’t something they needed to talk about, not something she needed to report or worry herself about. “I know you see someone. You talk to whoever it is.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He couldn’t lie to her. “Yes, you do. I’m not going to report it. If it were a problem Joel wouldn’t let you do it.”
There was another silence, but this one was shorter. “An old friend. His name was Freakshow. He was in my platoon.”
“Were you with him when he died?”
“Yes.” He was searching for something. “I know that makes me crazy-“
“I don’t think that makes you crazy.” She interrupted before he could go farther. “I think that means you have a coping mechanism that works very well for you. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my husband that way.”
Unease rippled over his features. “McNorris is alive, Darcy.”
“My first husband.” She corrected.
He seemed genuinely surprised. “You were married before?”
“Not for very long.” She had turned off her emotions again, her voice distant. “Dana killed him. The DNA you found on the scene was his. The ring that was on that woman’s hand used to be mine. Dana was playing with me, she wanted me to find her.” She twisted her ring again. “So I found her. I’m so good at finding things, Fearless. Finding things is really all I know how to do.”
He ran his hand over his short hair. “You went to kill her?”
“Oh, yes.” She answered, finding it oddly easy to say out loud. “David stopped me and then Tanner shot her while we were fighting.”
“McNorris stopped you from killing her?”
“He won’t even talk to me.” Emotions were starting to ping on the edge of her awareness. “I think he’ll leave me now.”
She could tell Fearless was torn over which way to go with this overabundance of information, but he chose a direction quickly. “Do you have time to hear a story?”
If this had been anyone else she would have thought they were the ones that were insane, but this was Fearless, he talked in stories. Besides, it wasn’t like she was in a hurry to get home. “I always have time for one of your stories.”
“What do you know about Rottweilers?”
That threw her. “The dog?”
“The very one.”
“I don’t…” She searched her memories, she had never been a big pet person, other than the guinea pig she’d had when she was eight. “They’re big?”
He smiled slightly. “Rottweilers have an interesting history. Now, most people think they were first bred in Rome and used as cart dogs and herders. They were bred to be strong and smart. As the Roman’s expanded their territory they broke into Europe, and a little town there became a hub for their supply lines, they herder cattle to feed the armies and the colonies that rose up around the area. The place was called Rot Wile. I think you can work that part out on your own. Now, these dogs did real well for themselves for a long time, but all things end.” She was fixated on him and his story, wondering how he had been granted such a gift and what this had to do with anything at all.
“One day cattle herding became illegal, because we’re fickle things when it comes down to it, and you know as well as me that nothing stays the same forever.” He shrugged, accepting people for what they were. “When that happened these dogs lost their purpose and nearly vanished, pushed out to the edge of usefulness. For a long time they hung on, kept alive by a human here or there, and then their luck changed again. Turned out these dogs were good at more than herding, they were damn good at protecting people. One day a policemen took notice of that and started using the dogs on the job. It worked so well the breed was picked back up again. Soon they were stable, and productive, and had a job to do. Sad thing about it is we changed again. They were so very good at guarding that the German army trained them to be war dogs.”
“Now, what they fought for might not be right, but the dogs didn’t know, didn’t care. Thing about Rottweilers is that they latch onto a person, usually only one, and will do anything to protect them. Doesn’t matter what it’s from or why that person needs to be protected. It gave them a bad rap. Not just the wars, but that some of them were trained after to attack people here and across this country. That’s not the dog’s fault. It’s not the dog’s fault the person they’re protecting has some strange ideas in their head. All they can do is stay close and protect them when it happens.”
“Fearless, what are you driving at?
“Before you came here McNorris was a Rottweiler without anything to herd or protect. He never attached himself to anyone, never even wanted to. He was just hanging on the fringe of things looking for something to tear apart. You turned him on his head and expect him to adapt to it all at once. The man doesn’t know what to do with you. He never had to deal with anything that actually mattered to him emotionally the way you do. All he knows is that he needs to protect you and he did what he had to in order to do that. Now you’re expecting him know what to do in the aftermath.”
“Is this your way of telling me I’m a commy, or are you trying to impart wisdom?” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
“Sweetness, eyes up.” She moved her gaze away from her ring and to his face. “You’ve got him cornered now. You need to tell him if he should fight or sit. He needs some sort of direct from you. If you don’t give him one he’ll maul you to death because he’s confused. He’s not going to leave you; he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. It takes someone special to get a man like that loyal, it doesn’t mean that loyalty won’t ever be tested.”
She turned that over in her head. “After I do that can I tell him you compared him to a poorly trained dog?”
He barked out a laugh. “I’d rather you didn’t. As of now the two of us are on a good playing field. I’d like to keep it that way.”
“You ruin all my fun.” She said with far less perk than normal. “Thank you, it was a good story.”
“All I did was tell it. You can thank the dogs for it.”
“I suppose I should probably go talk to mine first.”
He smiled at her and stood up. “If you need another story let me know.”
“I will.” She was surprised to find that she meant that. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. If nothing else get some sleep this weekend. You look like hell.” What was it about the male species that always made them so damn honest? Seriously, some things could be left unsaid. With a sigh she put her things away and turned off her computer. She couldn’t hide in her office all weekend and she couldn’t live like this for very much longer. It was time to go home and get this sorted out. At the moment she didn’t know if that meant she would be moving out but she needed to find out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When she came in committed to ending this silence, and feeling buoyed by Fearless, McNorris was shoving a pair of sneakers in his gym bag. He didn’t even look up at her as she walked into the bedroom. She stood silently next to the dresser for a moment as she thought about the best way to deal with this. Figuring there wasn’t really a good way she simply started. “David?” He zipped the bag closed with a hard jerk and she felt guilt swamp her, her bravado vanishing. “Are you sure you should be going to the gym with your knee?”
His eyes snapped to her and she nearly flinched at the rage she saw there. “Now you’re going to start worrying about me?”
Her stomach clenched. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” She whispered. “I didn’t mean to.”
“Yes, you did.” He said coldly. “You would have shot me to get at that woman.”
She wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong about that, but really didn’t think she would have gone that far. “I wouldn’t-“
“Enough!” He shouted, his voice rising fast and harshly, and this time she did flinch. “I’m not talking about this! I’m going to pretend it never happened! I’m going to try to forget you snuck out of this house to kill someone, and then tried to your damndest to get me out of the way when I came to save you from yourself!” He threw the strap of the bag over his shoulder. “I refuse to believe I married someone that would do something that insane! I refuse to believe that you would intentionally try to hurt me, or that you would have been more than happy to murder someone! We’re never talking about this again! Do you understand?”
“David, you’re my husband, if I can’t talk to you about this who am I supposed to-“
"Do you understand?” He snarled as he locked his gaze with hers.
“Yes.” She said, her voice cracking. “I understand.” And she did. She understood very clearly that if she wanted to have any part of his life they would never talk about what happened to her, her past, or what she’d done again. At the moment she was so frightened of yet another abandonment, another period of loneliness, that she would have agreed to practically anything. She didn’t want to loose someone else she loved when he was making it so very obvious what it was going to take for him to stay. And what he was asking wasn’t even unreasonable considering what she’d put him through. At least he wasn’t asking her to achieve the impossible the way everyone else she ever wanted had. He wasn’t asking her to overachieve, do more than she’d ever been trained for, or walk into a situation that would most likely end with her hurt or dead. All McNorris was asking for was to pretend that she was normal, or at least relatively normal. Considering she had never wanted to talk about her past to begin with she found this a reasonable stipulation to keep their marriage together. “I won’t talk about it again. I’m sorry about everything. Can we stop fighting?”
“I’ll be back later.” He replied as he turned and walked out of the bedroom and farther into the house. She stood still as he left and heard him shut the garage door behind him with a decisive snap. Her lip began to quiver like crazy at the refusal to even tell her he would think about it and she sank to the floor. So much for giving him some direction. She pressed herself between he wall and the dresser and pulled her legs up to her chest before she started to cry. Panic and disgust hit her at the same time and she curled up tightly as she tried to alleviate her stress. She was certain that when she woke up tomorrow he was going to be gone despite the detective’s assessment and she would have to start all over again. It seemed that Dana had once again managed to destroy her life, and this time she knew she was at fault as well. She wasn’t sure she had the will to do this anymore, not again. The thought, one darker than any she’d had in over two years, only had her more upset. Her cries turned to ragged sobs as she fought not to hyperventilate around her collapse.
Rocking slightly she felt her own nails digging into her legs and didn’t care. The pain wasn’t even really registering. What did register was the feeling of hands on her shoulders. Startled, she smashed herself backward as her head reared up. She saw a watery image of David as he lowered himself down beside her with his knee bent out awkwardly and she tried to get enough air to speak. He saw her struggling and tugged her onto his lap as he shushed her. “Don’t cry, Darcy.” He tightened his arms around her. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I didn’t mean it.” She felt his lips in her hair as his voice gentled, all trace of the rage he had shown a few minutes ago vanished completely. “Baby doll, don’t cry.” She slapped her hand over her mouth in an effort to muffle the noise and he caught it and held it away from her mouth. “I didn’t mean you needed to stop yourself from breathing.”
“Sorry.” She cried out.
He rubbed her back reassuringly. “It’s okay.”
“I’m so fucked up.” She managed. “I think I’m crazy, David.”
“You’re not crazy.” He pulled her up straighter as she started to slump down. “You’re not. You just got hurt and reacted to it. I should have known you were going to do something stupid. I would have done something stupid too, I should have been ready for it.” He sighed. “God knows you would have been ready for it if the roles had been reversed.”
So much for the moratorium on talking about this, it hadn’t even lasted five minutes and Jesus she felt so awful. “I am crazy. She made me into something wrong. I want to be right for you.”
“You’re not wrong.” He tried to assure her.
“I am.” She wept. “You don’t understand what she did to me. I used to be right and then she made something come awake in my head. I can’t make it go back to sleep. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make it stop. I’m a trained clinical psychologist and I have no idea what to do. I need help.” She was crying so hard she didn’t know how he was understanding her. “Will you help me?”
He hugged her tighter and kissed her head. “I’ll help you, baby doll.”
She nodded into his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that, but I’m more sorry I didn’t get to kill her. I’m angry you stopped me.” David simply nodded at that, neither approving nor condemning. “But I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting her. I couldn’t think. I wanted it over.” She shook her head. “You weren’t supposed to be there.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t know what to do to make this better. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” He ran his hands over her. “We’ll work this out. Everything will be all right.”
She pressed into him even as she continued to cry. His reassurance that they were okay, or at least talking again, brought her more relief than she could say, and having him hold her was helping her settle further. It took her a long time to stop crying and when she finally stopped she was slumped against him, mentally and physically exhausted. His hand tangled in her hair and he rubbed her scalp gently. Lifting her arms she wrapped them around him as she hiccupped. Sniffing unattractively, she hid her face in his shoulder. “Will you move back in here with me?” She asked.
“Yes.” He leaned back into the wall. “I’m sorry my temper got the better of me.”
“I’m sorry I’m crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy.” He repeated firmly. “I’ve seen crazy, you aren’t it.”
“You’re still angry with me.” It was a statement of fact, not a question.
He sighed even as he held her. “I’m going to be angry for awhile.”
“I never wanted to ruin this. I wanted us to have a good marriage.”
“You didn’t ruin anything and our marriage isn’t over.” He leaned back into the wall. “I think we both need to calm down before we talk about this anymore.” He rubbed her back. “Let’s go watch one of your horrible movies and then get a solid nights sleep. I don’t think either of us have had one in a while. We can finish this tomorrow when we’re both thinking straight.”
“Okay.” She agreed.
“Okay.” He urged her to her feet. “Go clean up, I’ll be in the living room when you’re done.” She helped him to his feet and he limped out of the room a second time. She changed clothes quickly and went to the bathroom and washed her face. Once she was calm and her face was washed she followed him. He already had the movie starting and he lifted his arm as he sat on the couch. She sat down against him at the silent invitation and he curled his arm around her waist. It took them both a few minutes to relax but by halfway through the movie they were curled up companionably. Feeling better about everything than she ha din days she found his hand with hers and squeezed it gently. He twined their fingers together a moment later and turned his head so he could kiss her forehead. Twisting slightly she tucked her head on his shoulder. She had a feeling this was only a lull in the storm but she was going to take it. They could get back to the thunder and lightning later.