(no subject)
well, i havent updated in a long time i guess, but that doesnt mean that there hasnt been a whole lot of shit going on in my life. im home for summer and am working at pauls pro window washing. the work is hard and long, but the pay check feels good. outside of work however, things have been even more hectic. the summer started off good, but then me and linds started to have some problems. we took a break but that didnt resolve anything, and now i guess we are broken up. this experience has been, far and away, the most tramatic period of my life. i am realizing that everything i know is gone. ive let my best friend and the person ive loved the most in my entire life slip out of my life. i dont know how this all happened. it seems like one day we are going out to dinner for my birthday, and the next i am not allowed to call her. it just seems unnatural to me to have the person i spent the most time with, the person i told my deepest secrets to, the person ive spent weeks if not months with on the fone working out a long distance relationship be suddenly and totally erased from my life. this past week where we have been ACTUALLY broken up has been one of the hardest weeks of life. every time i am alone or have even the slightest bit of time where i am not totally distracted by something, i have the worst feeling inside my chest. i think about what has happened and wish more than ive ever wished for anything that i could go back in time and changed things. if i could, i would make her see that i am the best thing that has ever happened to her. I KNOW I AM. and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. id tell her i love her every second of the day, every time i laid eyes on her, id tell her how beautiful she looks. every time id talk to her on the fone, id tell her how much she means to me and how lucky i am to have her. because for a little over one year and 4 months, i was the luckiest guy i know. and know i feel like i won the lottery and then someone came and stole everything i had won. but this is worse. money can be replaced, but a person like lindsey is once in a lifetime, and im not ready to let my one person who is perfect for me leave my life forever. i know i havent been the best boyfriend the past few weeks, i have annoying and almost looking to pick a fight. i dont know what was wrong with me. i cant believe that i would be such a jerk to someone who means so much to me. i took her for granted and thought that id never be where i am now. and now that im here, all i want is to be back in her arms. i know people will say that i havent given it long enough, that i am rushing things, but i think that is ridickulous. i made a terrible mistake and i want to fix it before it gets any worse. and its not like this is some new thing being apart, we are apart for 9 months out of the year. now that we live 10 min away from each other, i want to spend every free second i have making lindsey feel like SHE is the luckiest person in the world. i guess i have been rambling too much, but i know i have more to say. i guess that will have to wait for another time. to end, i still love you lindsey, and you still love me, so what are we doing not being together and trying to make this work. if it doesnt, we have our whole lives to be apart, but only this short window to try to make things right. i know it will be hard and that we have already told everyone that we are broken up and everything, but im willing to do WHATEVER it takes to be with you because love is the most important thing in my life, and i am deeply in love with you.