The long-awaited, but not-very anticipated Top 10
Now, there’s some things I know a lot about, and some things I know nothing about. And I’m certainly not an expert in anything, but at least I’m aware of this (most of the time). But I love people who think they are experts on completely ridiculous topics that shouldn’t warrant serious discussions, let alone “experts”. I don’t mean to offend anyone that truly believes in any of the following, I just prefer to sit on the fence and agree with everyone, because I’m worried that if the believers of some of these things are right, bad things could happen to me, so it’s best just to agree. So, as you may have gathered, these are not necessarily things I do or don’t believe. This is merely a list of the favourites I have found on my travels (read: trawling the internet).
Top 10 Conspiracy Theories.
10. Paul Macartney is dead.
My oh my. This one took a few months of my life a couple of years back, as I had never heard it. Sheltered, I know. The first time I heard about it was while watching John Safran’s Music Jamboree, during his George Harrison is Dead segment. I thought it was funny, but didn’t understand his relevance. My BFF then informed me all about it and from that moment I was hooked. I looked up everything I could about it on the internet, not because I believed it, just because it made me want to find all of the ‘clues’ and listen to or read them in linear notes for myself. I was absolutely amazed by how many people manage to pull these clues out of their arses; “Look, he’s facing backwards there, it must mean he’s dead!” “Ooh, he’s wearing a spot of black there, DEAD!” Some of the clues I found plausible, some circumstancial, others a load of shite. My favorite part of this theory is that when the Beatles found out it wasn’t simply going away, they decided to stick their big wooden spoon into the pot and give it a stir whilst throwing in a dash of “Here’s another clue for you all/The walrus was Paul” and other sly, purpose written lyrics. I could seriously go on about this one for hours, but this paragraph is big enough so I’ll stop. Go look it up on Wikipedia.
9. The world is run by dinosaurs.
Ok, so not real dinosaurs. More like alien race of shape-shifting lizard-people. Christine Fitzgerald claims that Princess Diana actually told her that the British Royal Family was made up of these beings. David Icke reckons that most of the U.S. Presidents have been “Reptiods” and has even spouted the theory that there is a genealogical link between the House of Windsor and the Bush family. He also claims that these beings came here from the constellation Draco and need to consume human blood to maintain their human appearance. Which brings me to my next theory….
8. Diana and Dodi were murdered.
I continue to sit on the fence over reports of what “actually” happened that night, but I seriously think everyone should stop worrying about it. They’re dead, leave them alone. But anyway. This tragedy was one of those moments in history that makes you remember exactly where you were when you heard the news. What I was doing was particularly boring so I wont put you through it. But no matter how shaken the world was it didn’t stop theorists. There is a multitude of theories on Diana and Dodi, one of which, referring to the above point, was that the Princess was blabbing about the Reptiods, so they decided to off her and consume her blood. Talk about major paranoia. For this to have happened, every member of the police force, investigators, medical examiners, and pretty much anyone who routinely comes into contact with a dead body after the person is deceased, would have had to have been a Reptoid. So now everyone who believes this is pretty much scared of everyone else.
Other theories (that are much more boring) suggest that Diana intended to marry Dodi Fayed, that she intended to convert to Islam, that she was pregnant, and that she was to visit the holy land. Organizations which conspiracy theorists suggest are responsible for her death have included French Intelligence, the British Royal Family, the press, the British Intelligence services MI5 or MI6, the CIA, Mossad, the Freemasons, or the IRA. Or maybe their car crashed in a tunnel. Who knows
7.KFC makes black men impotent.
I think this theory was created by McDonalds in order to steal customers. So, the original recipe goes that the KKK run KFC and have laced the poor chookies in something that somehow makes only Black men impotent. The real twister combo?!?!? KFC is actually owned by an African-American man.
6. Smurfs. I know, right? What could they have possibly done.
For our little blue friends, who you either love of hate, conspiracy theories have long abounded. The 102 different Smurfs - Brainy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Greedy Smurf, Chef Smurf etc - share all possessions. Each has his own fixed role in society. Since Papa Smurf has a white beard and a red hat, the Smurfs are, according to some American thinkers, subversive crypto-Marxists.
Other theories include: the Smurfs are anti-semitic; the Smurfs, who wear pointed hats, are a front for the Ku Klux Klan; the Smurfs are neo-Nazis; and my favorite- the Smurfs are a Hindu conspiracy/prophecy to prepare the world for the triumph of Krishna. You know, little blue people and all that. Hmm.
5. Area 51.
Enough said.
4. 9/11
Apparently it was allowed to happen. Some theorists suggest that the way the building fell straight down is very characteristic of a demolition with pre-placed explosives. Some also say the President claimed America needed something like another Pearl Harbour (which was supposedly also allowed to happen in order to sucker Hitler into declaring war). Some say the Pentagon pictures were faked. Either way, I think that the people on those planes and the innocents who lost their lives are the ones we should believe.
3. Barcodes
Our technological price-tags, best friends of ‘Check-out Chicks’ everywhere. Can you imagine having to hand enter the price on a couple hunji bucks worth of groceries?? But as some would have us believe, they weren’t borne out of necessity, for our ease and convenience, but rather out a means of control by a putative world government.
Some reckon they have Satanic intent. Mary Stewart Relfe claims in "The New Money System 666" that barcodes secretly encode the number 666 - the Biblical "Number of the Beast". Yeah, so???? Even if they did I don’t see people catching on fire everytime they pop down the corner store for their daily dose of Godly goodness! This theory has even been adopted by other fringe figures such as the "oracle" Sollog, who refuses to label any of his books with barcodes on the grounds that "any type of computer numbering systems MANDATED by any government or business is part of the PROPHECY of the BEAST controlling you." Amen.
2. The cow jumped over the… Nazi??
Esoteric Hitlerists and conspiracy theorists interested in Nazi mysticism and World War II have speculated that the Germans landed on the Moon as early as 1942. So lemme get this straight. A bunch of people think the moon landing in 1960 was fake but a bunch of other people think Germans did it first and kept it a secret. Call me ignorant but I just don’t understand that.
According to other theories it is believed that the Nazis had made contact with 'half a dozen' alien races, including the malevolent Reptoids.
1. I’m Lame.
Actually this isn’t a theory. It’s true. And just to prove it, I’ve left number one blank for a sort of interactive “Insert Your Own Theory” kind of list. Lame Right?