221. I have not "had it with these motherfrakking Cylons on this motherfrakking ship".
I would like to thank indigo419 for saving my brain by linking to this TWOP thread.
In the midst of all my flailing, angst and fan-wanking about the upcoming episode, this list has been totally cracking me up over and over again.
My top 3 from Skippy's List of "Things I am Not Allowed to do Aboard Galactica..."
Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica:
1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Especially in front of his wife.
* Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama's wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
* Okay, so it's hilarious. It's still cruel.
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President's baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
* President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn't even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
* Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
* No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
* No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
* Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
* If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
* Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
* Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
* Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama's "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
* Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I've heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta's name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human's body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
* Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25.Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as "a Cylon perv tape."
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin's sight, ever.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she'll overrule Major Adama's orders.
* Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
* Or tape the results.
* No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
* Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
* Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
* Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG's bed.
* Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
* Not allowed to put the CAG's hand in warm water while he's sleeping.
* Not allowed to steal the CAG's pants.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
* Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as "recreational gun use."
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
* Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
* Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
41. Not allowed to use "pulling a Baltar" as a euphenism for going crazy.
*Or a euphenism for being "easy".
*Even if it is apt.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
43. Not allowed to "inspect" suspected Cylon agents for barcodes.
*Or glowing spines.
*Or manufactor's numbers.
44. Col. Tigh's first name is not Polyphemus.
*Calling him "Polly" is just asking for trouble.
45. I have not accepted Gaius Baltar as my personal savior.
*Neither has anyone else.
46. Painting the word "Cylon" in someone's locker will never be funny
47.Not allowed to tell people that the second sign of being a cylon is "Hairs on the palms of your hands."
*I may not subsequently tell them that the first sign is"looking for them."
48. Not allowed to blame my mistakes on my imaginary girlfriend
*even if she is an angel
*even if she is a chip.
49. (Steal! from the motivator thread.) Kacey's mom does not have it going on.
50. Admiral Adama is not a drama queen.
* Admiral Adama is not a queen of any kind.
* He's not a drama king, either.
* No, it doesn't matter what President Roslin said.
51. Not allowed to "borrow" the Cylon restraints for the weekend.
* Even if Captain Thrace asked you to.
52. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by the Quorum of 12.
53. I am not the Fleet Mascot.
54. I may not call do-overs during training maneuvers.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace does it.
55. Not allowed to wear a dress to Geminon chapel services.
56. A smilie face is not used to mark the position of a Cylon Basestar.
57. Cylon raiders are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell nuggets that they are.
58. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of Boxey.
59. I cannot have Boxey thrown in the brig for being rude.
60. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by the CAG.
* Even if Captain Thrace says it.
61. There is no such thing as a were-Cylon.
62. Our Vipers cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
63. Not allowed to ask Lieutenant Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
* No, not even if I call it "research."
* Not allowed to ask Captain Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
64. Not allowed to speculate in President Roslin's hearing about whether the carpet matches the drapes. Ever.
* (It does, but I didn't hear that here.)
65. Not allowed to get Lieutenant Gaeta drunk and plant him in anyone's rack.
* Again.
66. Not allowed to trade my gun for anything, including sexual favors, alcohol, or nuggets.
67. There is no rule against disseminating tasteful Roslin-on-Zarek pornography.
* No such thing exists.
68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
* Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
* Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
* And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.
69. I am not a licensed medic.
70. The Top Gun mug does not entitle me to oral sex.
* Second place is not "getting to give it."
* No, no matter what Captain Katraine used to say.
* Not allowed to remind Captain Thrace of anything Captain Katraine used to say.
* Especially not that.
71. Not allowed to steal from the dead.
72. Not allowed to perform arcane rituals using nuggets as human sacrifices.
* Not allowed, when informed of this, to say "of course not, that's the Admiral's job."
73. At no time may I refer to nuggets as "my harem."
74. I may not haze a new batch of nuggets by having them pants Colonel Tigh.
75. I am not allowed to sell calendars that indicate Captain Thrace's "Time of the Month."
76. Waking Captain Thrace up in the morning is not “disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse.”
77. “Comedic potential” is never a good reason.
78. He is not "The Dread Pirate Tigh."
79. Not allowed to suggest corporal punishment for infractions by nuggets.
* Particularly if there is mention of videotaping said punishment.
* And bartering said tapes to the rest of the Fleet.
80. Nobody wants to sign my petitions.
81. I do not know what the word "inconceivable" means, and I should stop using it.
82. Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Major Adama.
* Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Captain Thrace
* Unless she gets a cut.
83. Not allowed to play strip Triad.
* No, not even if Captain Agathon doesn't know when to fold.
84. "Lee Adama takes it up the ass" is not an acceptable boxing cheer.
* Or true.
* Honestly.
85. Not allowed to give lap dances while wearing any part of my uniform.
* No, not even if the uniform comes off in the process.
86. Not allowed to add "in my flightsuit" to the ends of my sentences.
87. Not allowed to spike Major Adama's coffee.
* Not allowed to spike Admiral Adama's coffee.
* Spiking coffee, in general, is wrong. And a waste of coffee.
* The petition to declare wasting coffee a hanging offense gathered 800 signatures and is currently under review.
88. Not allowed to speak to the press.
89. It is not "Official Hug A Superior Officer Day."
* It is not "Naked Marsday."
90. Viper jocks do not "do it in the cockpit."
* Raptor jocks do not "do it in pairs."
* Knuckledraggers do not "do it with lube." Except when they do.
* Not allowed to speculate about when, where, how, why, or with whom President Roslin does it, as I do not want to know what will happen should she overhear me.
91. President Roslin will always overhear me.
92. Duct tape is not a disciplinary tool.
* Nor is it the force that holds the universe together.
* No matter how much Chief Tyrol can do with it.
93. No, I may not keep it as a pet.
* Yes, Boxey counts.
94. Not allowed to score PDAs in the pilots' bunk room.
95. After destroying a Cylon Basestar it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."
96. I am not allowed to tell nuggets that Tigh gave up his eye to see the future.
* That future is not the moment of his own death.
92. Not allowed to play "Hide The CAG's Wedding Ring."
*Any more.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
*Especially not if Captain Thrace tells me to.
93. Asking Lt. Gaeta if I can borrow a pen is not funny.
*Really, it's not.
*Okay, it is, a little.
94. Not allowed to conspicuously sniff any tea offered to me by the XO.
95. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.
96. Not allowed to trade nuggets for food.
*Or cigarettes.
*Or liquor.
*Alright, maybe liquor.
97. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Yes, it is amusing.
*No, I will not survive past 0300 if I do so.
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.
103. We do not serve Cylon stew at any meal.
104. Nothing good has ever followed the words "here, hold my drink and watch this." I will keep this in mind at all times.
105. Not allowed to mutiny.
* No, not even if President Roslin did it first.
106. The phrase "superior asshole" is really not all that funny anymore.
107. New Caprica is not for lovers.
108. Baltar is not my homeboy.
109. I may never use the phrase "hornier than Starbuck in a locker room."
* No, not even if she laughs.
110. I am not the Cylon God.
* Neither is anyone I know.
* Probably.
* At any rate, that is definitely not why they keep beating me at cards.
111. President Roslin does not want to hear about my rash.
112. Not allowed to tell nuggets that if they say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."
* No matter how often it works.
113. Not allowed to pass notes in the CIC.
114. Not allowed to make past tense referances to Jake the dog as having been "good with honey mustard sauce".
115. Not allowed to see how long I can stand in Col. Tigh's blind spot before he notices me.
116. Not allowed to make "sex with machines" jokes about people who have had relations with known Cylon agents.
*Especially in front of them.
*No, not even if it's Baltar.
117. There is no open mic night in the pilot's break room.
*Nor is there one in the mess hall.
*There is no open mic night anywhere on Galactica.
*Nor on Colonial One.
*There is no open mic night anywhere in the Fleet.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*The same goes for karaoke night.
118. Algae is not "made of people".
119. Not allowed to fake tramautic flashbacks to conflicts I did not participate in (the first Cylon War).
*Especially in front of the press.
120. Not allowed to put mustard in Lt. Costanza's flight suit.
*Or ketchup.
*Petition for making wasting of ketchup a hanging offense is currently in committee.
121. Not allowed to make disparaging remarks upon the subject of Maj. Adama's posterior.
*Especially not if they are predicated on the statement "Well, I heard from Mrs. Tigh..."
122. Noodles are not to be used as art supplies.
*Not Maj. Adama's noodles.
*Especially not Adm. Adama's noodles.
123. Footsie is not an appropriate or efficient use of my time during morning briefing.
124. I am not the Chosen One.
125. Not allowed to put LED drawings in CIC.
*Or on the flight deck.
*Or in the pilots' rack.
126. Not allowed to "spontaneously start speaking in tongues" around Sarah Porter.
*Or President Roslin.
127. I am not Gaius Baltar's defense attorney.
*Nor am I his psychiatric advisor.
*I would not be getting paid in sexual favors even if I was.
128. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace if she's a natural blonde.
*Not allowed to ask Sam Anders.
*Not allowed to ask Major Adama.
*Definitely not allowed to ask Dr. Baltar, or imply that I might.
129. Not allowed to prompt nuggets to ask me about my "sexy learning disability."
*I do not actually have "sexlexia".
130. Not allowed to start a war reinactment group.
131. Not allowed to replace war room tabletop models with action figures.
132. Not allowed to steal anyone's clothes for "role-playing purposes".
*Especially not the President's.
133. Dr. Cottle has not authorized me to perform tests on Hera Agathon to see if she bounces.
134. I do not have a PhD in "sexology".
*Nor does Dr. Cottle.
*Nor does Dr. Baltar.
135. I do not have sole naming privilages in regards to callsigns.
136. I am not required to perform any of my duties naked.
*No, not even the Tai Chi moves Lt. Agathon taught me.
137. Not allowed to replace Captain Thrace's cigars with exploding ones.
*Nor Dr. Baltar's.
*Will not replace Dr. Cottle's cigarettes with exploding ones, for the good of us all.
138. Not allowed to wear a gimp mask while on duty.
139. Not allowed to use the phrase "it's a shame she won't live long" while referring to Lt. Agathon.
*Nor to prisoner Caprica Six.
140. Not allowed to siphon gas from Raptors.
*Nor from Vipers.
*Or to get nuggets to do it for me.
141. I am not the military-appointed atheist priest.
*Nor am I the advisor on Cylon spirituality.
142. Not allowed to tell nuggets that Col. Tigh made his eyepatch out of his dead wife's undergarments.
*Because it's not true.
*We hope.
143. I do not recieve spirit messages from Billy Keikeya.
*Nor from Ellen Tigh.
144. Not allowed to put bumper stickers on the Vipers.
145. Shiny buttons are not a suitable form of alternative currency.
*Even if I can get people to accept them.
134. Not allowed to refer to Hera Agathon as a "Tostito".
135. Not allowed to send the nuggets on a panty raid through the pilot's bunk room.
* or Col. Tigh's quarters
* Or Colonial One.
136. Not allowed to sit in Joe's Bar and lead a cheer of "Lee!" whenever he comes in.
* Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
137. Algae cannot be made into edible underwear.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
138. I am not Captain Thrace's "Special Destiny".
* Nor Gaius Baltar's
* Nor anyone's.
139. Not allowed to ask Tom Zarek if I can help him put the Vice in his Presidency.
* or to ask him if President Roslin already did.
140. The fleetwide wireless is not to be used for my personal entertainment.
153. Am not allowed to cough-say Billy's name during Major Adama and Lt. Dualla's wedding.
*Also not to cough-say Captain Thrace's.
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is "Poptart."
155. Will not remind the Agathons that their child might respond better to the name Isis.
156. Am not allowed to spread scandalous rumors about the president and the chief of staff.
*Including Pres. Roslin and Ms. Foster.
*Including Pres. Baltar and Lt. Gaeta.
*Pres. Roslin and Billy were so much less scandalous.
157. Am not allowed to repeat rumors from old Caprica that Roslin was getting it on with Pres. Adar.
*Especially not within earshot of Admiral Adama.
*Or Tory Foster.
158. Am not allowed to snicker when someone suggests we "toast" Lt. Agathon.
159. Will not taunt former President Baltar by wearing a red dress and claiming to be an angel of god while dancing outside his cell.
* Am not an angel of god.
* Am not a dancer, either.
160. "Liar, liar, pants on fire" is a children's expression and is not meant to suggest that one should actually set fire to the liar's pants.
* Even if the liar is former President Baltar.
* Especially if it's Admiral Adama.
161. Not allowed in or near brig due to dancing and fire incidents.
162. President Roslin does not appreciate being referred to as an Election Stealer.
* Or Baby Stealer.
* Or Military Asset Stealer.
* Or the Old Man's Main Squeeze.
163. The appropriate way to refer to the President of the Colonies is as Madam President or President Roslin.
164. When visiting Colonial One, being granted "permission to come aboard" is not an invitation to throw Tory Foster to the ground and make mad passionate love to her.
* Or to President Roslin.
* Or to Vice President Zarek.
* Or to any combination thereof.
165. Am not permitted to drop my pants on Colonial One.
* Am not permitted to "go commando" on Colonial One.
* Or any ship in the fleet.
* Even if Captain Thrace does.
166. Only Capt. Agathon is permitted to play Find the Reset Button with Lt. Agathon.
* If she had one, which she doesn't.
* No matter what Chief Tyrol claims.
167. Will not refer to medical treatment of Hera's intestinal condition as debugging.
168. Not allowed to ask Sam Anders to tell me the joke about the straw and the handcuffs again.
169. The proper way to stop Centarions is not by impaling them with wooden stakes, and I will not tell nuggets otherwise.
170. Not allowed to do "anything I want" once we get to Earth.
*Especially not put babies on spikes.
171. There is no such thing as a space pirate.
*Or a space ninja.
*Or a space gypsy.
*I am none of the above.
172. Not allowed to tell nuggets the primary form of entertainment on Galactica is poking Baltar with a stick.
*Not allowed to give nuggets especially pointy sticks.
*And point them in the direction of the brig.
*No longer allowed to say "stick" in front of Baltar at all, as this apparantly causes some sort of minor psychotic breakdown.
173. Not allowed to wear my "I'm a Cylon, ask me how" shirt while on duty.
*Nor while off duty.
*Not allowed to wear it at all.
*Nor the matching pin or hat.
174. Not allowed to airlock squadron members.
175. Not allowed to challenge any of Chief Tyrol's engineers to prove that they really can demolish forty beers.
* Especially considering we don't have any beer.
* Not allowed to brew beer.
* Not allowed to substitute whiskey.
176. Not allowed to skinny-dip in the water tanks.
177. Not allowed to announce my own landings with the words "hot stuff, coming through!"
178. I understand that I am taking my own life into my hands by telling Saggitaron jokes in front of Lt. Dualla.
* I understand that Lt. Dualla is married to the CAG.
* I understand that the CAG is feeling a bit defensive.
* I understand that the CAG is authorized to order me to clean out the launch tubes.
* With a toothbrush.
* As they're being used.
179. The phrase "little toaster of love" is hereby added to the banned list.
180. President Roslin is the only person in the Fleet authorized to declare jihad.
* On anyone.
* President Roslin does not plan on doing so.
* Unless I keep that up.
181. Admiral Adama never killed a man on Picon just to watch him die.
* As far as I know.
* Neither did President Roslin.
182. Am not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she was just humming "I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you." to her husband anymore.
183. Am not allowed to impersonate the shower inspector while Capt. Agathon is showering anymore.
*Even if I bring soap.
*Or really good conditioner
184. Am not allowed to hide in air ducts and play bagpipes when Admiral Adama talks to Lee.
*Not even if I include poundy drums
*especially if I include poundy drums
*further instances of this will result in the immediate confiscation of my poundy drums.
185. It is not funny when I hum "Billy don't be a hero." to Lt. Dualla and I need to stop.
*Even when Lee laughs.
186. Any further requests to Cally that she help me in some airlock maintenance procedures will result in my being placed in the brig for unauthorized jetisonning of annoying personnel.
*What, it's not like she fell for it.
*Okay, she did. Damn that Hotdog for filling her in.
*It was Tyrol's idea anyway.
187. Must stop firsthand research in the field of study I've been calling "How to make chamala less bitter."
*Not allowed to use Gaeta as a test subject any longer
*Not allowed to keep results from President Roslin
*Not allowed to claim that I have presidential funding for these activities, even if I do.
188. Not allowed to suggest that Hotdog race Lt. Edminson's track.
189. Must stop standing on Tigh's bad side, popping out and yelling, "Peekaboo! I see you!"
*or to test his depth perception on the stairs
190. Calling Admiral Adama "The before picture on the Accutane ad." is both disrespectful, and inappropriate.
*As is calling Hotdog the after
191. I am not authorized to form, operate or dissolve independent tribunals.
*"Adama does it all the time" is not a valid excuse. Or true.
*Even if it were it is not an excuse.
192. Lt. Gaeta's duties do not include defragging my harddrive.
*Replacing "my harddrive" with "me" or "my flight suit" does not change this rule.
193. Hera Agathon cannot heal my Athlete's Foot.
194. Viper Polo is not an appropriate use of military resources.
195. Raptors do not make "great bumper cars."
196. "Duck and Cover" is not an appropriate way of bracing for impact.
197. Nuggets and crash test dummies are not "basically the same thing."
198. It is not appropriate when Capt. Agathon is worried over his wife or child's health to lighten the mood by asking him if she's still under warranty.
* Or if it covers parts and labor.
* Or if it requires him to return her to the manufacturer.
* Or if Doc Cottle is going to void it by opening her up.
* Or if he needs a second estimate.
199. I am not an authorized Cylon dealer.
* Or re-seller.
* Or repair facility.
200. I do not have any special Cy-dis that allows me to detect a Cylon at 100 feet.
* I may not trademark the term "Cy-dis"
* Or put it on t-shirts.
201. You cannot tell if a nugget is a Cylon by having them sing show tunes while dancing naked.
* No, it doesn't matter if the nuggets are willing to try.
* No, I am not allowed to test my theory with the prisoner Caprica Six.
202. I will not distribute Roslin/Zarek t-shirts, posters, or campaign buttons with the slogan "politics makes strange bedfellows."
* Even if it secretly amuses President Roslin and Vice President Zarek.
* It does not amuse Admiral Adama.
* Or Tory Foster.
203. Lt. Gaeta does not have a callsign.
* And if he did, it would not be Recount.
204. I am not a one-man marching band.
205. In case of emergency, children are not to be used as personal floatation devices.
*Nor are nuggets.
206. Not allowed to attempt to teach former President Baltar tricks.
*No, not even if I can get him to roll over for a cookie.
*I am however required to file a full report on this incident.
207. I am not a member of the press.
*I am not a presidential aide.
*I am not an ambassador to anything.
*No, not even an honorary one.
208. Not allowed to claim 1/16th Cylon ancestory.
*No, not even for a deduction on my taxes.
209. Not allowed to use the hanger bay as a squash court.
210. Not allowed to use glitter.
*On anything.
*Ever.
211. I do not have superpowers.
*Even if I did, it would not be from forgoing radiation meds.
*Or from drinking from the Galactica still.
*And I will refrain from telling nuggets otherwise.
212. Not allowed to ask Bulldog how he got his callsign.
*Or theorize aloud on "whose ass he had to bite".
*Especially if my theories involve Admiral Adama.
213. Not allowed to spike the supply of post-mission champagne with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike the XO's whiskey with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike noodle broth with chamallah.
*My supply of chamallah has now been confiscated.
214. Not allowed to punctuate Capt. Thrace's makeout sessions in the rack with Samuel Anders by yelling "GOOOOOOOOAL!" in the manner of famous Caprican Pyramid announcer Isosceles Hernandez.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
215. Not allowed to send nuggets on scavenger hunts in the hanger deck.
*Not even if I do get Chief Tyrol's permission.
216. Not allowed to tell nuggets that the CIC inkjet printer is actually a beta-test version Cylon.
217. The starboard water tank is not my personal swimming pool.
218. Not allowed to form pressgangs.
219. Not allowed to set up kissing booths.
220. Not allowed to ask Major Adama if he knows where his towel is.
221. I have not "had it with these motherfrakking Cylons on this motherfrakking ship".
222. Not allowed to start my own religion.
223. I am not anyone's pimp.
224. Not allowed to rename the nuggets.
225. I am not allowed to hide Major Adama's wedding ring.
*Again
*Especially in Starbucks rack
226. Not allowed to create posters from Major Adama's towel malfunction & sell to the public.
227. It is not funny to refer to myself as the omnipotent Number One.
228. Not allowed to advertise Lt. Thrace's bunk as the 'A little slice of Prometheus aboard Galactica...no charge'
*Even if her husband made the joke first
*Especially if Major Adama is within earshot
229. It is not funny to follow around Sam Anders repeating that 'Resistance is futile'
230. "Shut the Frak Up...Next" is not adequate PTSD treatment
*Even if the CAG is the one whining
*Or if Starbuck is holding any sharp objects
231. Not allowed to name my Quadruplets Sharon, Deanna, Simon, & Leoban.
*We are not a musical group called the 'Cylon Family Singers'
236. Not allowed to sing "The Ball on Virgon" on duty.
* Or "Fire Down Below."
* Not allowed to sing either in front of the President.
* Or anywhere.
* Or reward nuggets for coming up with new verses.
237. The Cylon virus is not sexually transmitted.
* I will get exactly what I deserve for saying that in front of Captain Agathon.
* Or Colonel Tigh.
238. Until further notice, not allowed to speak to Colonel Tigh.
239. What happens in the showers does not stay in the showers.
240. Not allowed to taunt the Marines.
241. The Cylon agent betting pool has hereby been shut down.
* As has the "next person to sleep with a Cylon" pool.
* As has the nugget death pool.
* As has the Thrace/Anders/Adama/Dualla relationship breakdown pool.
* As has the "who's the President frakking?" pool.
242. President Roslin has not "had it with these motherfrakking snakes on her motherfrakking podium."
243. I am allowed eight days off per year for religious observances.
* I must clear these days at least one week in advance.
* "Oh gods, oh gods, we're all gonna die" is not a religious observance.
* An extra four hours' sleep is not a religious observance.
* Alcohol-fueled bunkroom orgies are not a religious observance.
* Or allowed.
244. It is better to ask permission than to beg forgiveness.
* No matter what Captain Thrace does.
* In general, Captain Thrace is a poor role model.
245. If I mention D'Anna Biers to the press, I deserve whatever picture they run.
246. Not allowed to start a porn business.
* Not allowed to take over Lieutenant Gaeta's porn business now he's in hack.
* If he had a porn business.
* Which he didn't.
247. Not allowed to start a rock band, either.
In the midst of all my flailing, angst and fan-wanking about the upcoming episode, this list has been totally cracking me up over and over again.
My top 3 from Skippy's List of "Things I am Not Allowed to do Aboard Galactica..."
- 3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
* Okay, so it's hilarious. It's still cruel. - 42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
- 184. Am not allowed to hide in air ducts and play bagpipes when Admiral Adama talks to Lee.
*Not even if I include poundy drums
*especially if I include poundy drums
*further instances of this will result in the immediate confiscation of my poundy drums.
Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica:
1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Especially in front of his wife.
* Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama's wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
* Okay, so it's hilarious. It's still cruel.
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President's baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
* President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn't even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
* Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
* No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
* No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
* Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
* If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
* Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
* Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
* Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama's "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
* Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I've heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta's name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human's body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
* Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25.Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as "a Cylon perv tape."
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin's sight, ever.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she'll overrule Major Adama's orders.
* Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
* Or tape the results.
* No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
* Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
* Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
* Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG's bed.
* Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
* Not allowed to put the CAG's hand in warm water while he's sleeping.
* Not allowed to steal the CAG's pants.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
* Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as "recreational gun use."
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
* Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
* Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
41. Not allowed to use "pulling a Baltar" as a euphenism for going crazy.
*Or a euphenism for being "easy".
*Even if it is apt.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
43. Not allowed to "inspect" suspected Cylon agents for barcodes.
*Or glowing spines.
*Or manufactor's numbers.
44. Col. Tigh's first name is not Polyphemus.
*Calling him "Polly" is just asking for trouble.
45. I have not accepted Gaius Baltar as my personal savior.
*Neither has anyone else.
46. Painting the word "Cylon" in someone's locker will never be funny
47.Not allowed to tell people that the second sign of being a cylon is "Hairs on the palms of your hands."
*I may not subsequently tell them that the first sign is"looking for them."
48. Not allowed to blame my mistakes on my imaginary girlfriend
*even if she is an angel
*even if she is a chip.
49. (Steal! from the motivator thread.) Kacey's mom does not have it going on.
50. Admiral Adama is not a drama queen.
* Admiral Adama is not a queen of any kind.
* He's not a drama king, either.
* No, it doesn't matter what President Roslin said.
51. Not allowed to "borrow" the Cylon restraints for the weekend.
* Even if Captain Thrace asked you to.
52. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by the Quorum of 12.
53. I am not the Fleet Mascot.
54. I may not call do-overs during training maneuvers.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace does it.
55. Not allowed to wear a dress to Geminon chapel services.
56. A smilie face is not used to mark the position of a Cylon Basestar.
57. Cylon raiders are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell nuggets that they are.
58. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of Boxey.
59. I cannot have Boxey thrown in the brig for being rude.
60. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by the CAG.
* Even if Captain Thrace says it.
61. There is no such thing as a were-Cylon.
62. Our Vipers cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
63. Not allowed to ask Lieutenant Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
* No, not even if I call it "research."
* Not allowed to ask Captain Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
64. Not allowed to speculate in President Roslin's hearing about whether the carpet matches the drapes. Ever.
* (It does, but I didn't hear that here.)
65. Not allowed to get Lieutenant Gaeta drunk and plant him in anyone's rack.
* Again.
66. Not allowed to trade my gun for anything, including sexual favors, alcohol, or nuggets.
67. There is no rule against disseminating tasteful Roslin-on-Zarek pornography.
* No such thing exists.
68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
* Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
* Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
* And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.
69. I am not a licensed medic.
70. The Top Gun mug does not entitle me to oral sex.
* Second place is not "getting to give it."
* No, no matter what Captain Katraine used to say.
* Not allowed to remind Captain Thrace of anything Captain Katraine used to say.
* Especially not that.
71. Not allowed to steal from the dead.
72. Not allowed to perform arcane rituals using nuggets as human sacrifices.
* Not allowed, when informed of this, to say "of course not, that's the Admiral's job."
73. At no time may I refer to nuggets as "my harem."
74. I may not haze a new batch of nuggets by having them pants Colonel Tigh.
75. I am not allowed to sell calendars that indicate Captain Thrace's "Time of the Month."
76. Waking Captain Thrace up in the morning is not “disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse.”
77. “Comedic potential” is never a good reason.
78. He is not "The Dread Pirate Tigh."
79. Not allowed to suggest corporal punishment for infractions by nuggets.
* Particularly if there is mention of videotaping said punishment.
* And bartering said tapes to the rest of the Fleet.
80. Nobody wants to sign my petitions.
81. I do not know what the word "inconceivable" means, and I should stop using it.
82. Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Major Adama.
* Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Captain Thrace
* Unless she gets a cut.
83. Not allowed to play strip Triad.
* No, not even if Captain Agathon doesn't know when to fold.
84. "Lee Adama takes it up the ass" is not an acceptable boxing cheer.
* Or true.
* Honestly.
85. Not allowed to give lap dances while wearing any part of my uniform.
* No, not even if the uniform comes off in the process.
86. Not allowed to add "in my flightsuit" to the ends of my sentences.
87. Not allowed to spike Major Adama's coffee.
* Not allowed to spike Admiral Adama's coffee.
* Spiking coffee, in general, is wrong. And a waste of coffee.
* The petition to declare wasting coffee a hanging offense gathered 800 signatures and is currently under review.
88. Not allowed to speak to the press.
89. It is not "Official Hug A Superior Officer Day."
* It is not "Naked Marsday."
90. Viper jocks do not "do it in the cockpit."
* Raptor jocks do not "do it in pairs."
* Knuckledraggers do not "do it with lube." Except when they do.
* Not allowed to speculate about when, where, how, why, or with whom President Roslin does it, as I do not want to know what will happen should she overhear me.
91. President Roslin will always overhear me.
92. Duct tape is not a disciplinary tool.
* Nor is it the force that holds the universe together.
* No matter how much Chief Tyrol can do with it.
93. No, I may not keep it as a pet.
* Yes, Boxey counts.
94. Not allowed to score PDAs in the pilots' bunk room.
95. After destroying a Cylon Basestar it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."
96. I am not allowed to tell nuggets that Tigh gave up his eye to see the future.
* That future is not the moment of his own death.
92. Not allowed to play "Hide The CAG's Wedding Ring."
*Any more.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
*Especially not if Captain Thrace tells me to.
93. Asking Lt. Gaeta if I can borrow a pen is not funny.
*Really, it's not.
*Okay, it is, a little.
94. Not allowed to conspicuously sniff any tea offered to me by the XO.
95. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.
96. Not allowed to trade nuggets for food.
*Or cigarettes.
*Or liquor.
*Alright, maybe liquor.
97. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Yes, it is amusing.
*No, I will not survive past 0300 if I do so.
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.
103. We do not serve Cylon stew at any meal.
104. Nothing good has ever followed the words "here, hold my drink and watch this." I will keep this in mind at all times.
105. Not allowed to mutiny.
* No, not even if President Roslin did it first.
106. The phrase "superior asshole" is really not all that funny anymore.
107. New Caprica is not for lovers.
108. Baltar is not my homeboy.
109. I may never use the phrase "hornier than Starbuck in a locker room."
* No, not even if she laughs.
110. I am not the Cylon God.
* Neither is anyone I know.
* Probably.
* At any rate, that is definitely not why they keep beating me at cards.
111. President Roslin does not want to hear about my rash.
112. Not allowed to tell nuggets that if they say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."
* No matter how often it works.
113. Not allowed to pass notes in the CIC.
114. Not allowed to make past tense referances to Jake the dog as having been "good with honey mustard sauce".
115. Not allowed to see how long I can stand in Col. Tigh's blind spot before he notices me.
116. Not allowed to make "sex with machines" jokes about people who have had relations with known Cylon agents.
*Especially in front of them.
*No, not even if it's Baltar.
117. There is no open mic night in the pilot's break room.
*Nor is there one in the mess hall.
*There is no open mic night anywhere on Galactica.
*Nor on Colonial One.
*There is no open mic night anywhere in the Fleet.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*The same goes for karaoke night.
118. Algae is not "made of people".
119. Not allowed to fake tramautic flashbacks to conflicts I did not participate in (the first Cylon War).
*Especially in front of the press.
120. Not allowed to put mustard in Lt. Costanza's flight suit.
*Or ketchup.
*Petition for making wasting of ketchup a hanging offense is currently in committee.
121. Not allowed to make disparaging remarks upon the subject of Maj. Adama's posterior.
*Especially not if they are predicated on the statement "Well, I heard from Mrs. Tigh..."
122. Noodles are not to be used as art supplies.
*Not Maj. Adama's noodles.
*Especially not Adm. Adama's noodles.
123. Footsie is not an appropriate or efficient use of my time during morning briefing.
124. I am not the Chosen One.
125. Not allowed to put LED drawings in CIC.
*Or on the flight deck.
*Or in the pilots' rack.
126. Not allowed to "spontaneously start speaking in tongues" around Sarah Porter.
*Or President Roslin.
127. I am not Gaius Baltar's defense attorney.
*Nor am I his psychiatric advisor.
*I would not be getting paid in sexual favors even if I was.
128. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace if she's a natural blonde.
*Not allowed to ask Sam Anders.
*Not allowed to ask Major Adama.
*Definitely not allowed to ask Dr. Baltar, or imply that I might.
129. Not allowed to prompt nuggets to ask me about my "sexy learning disability."
*I do not actually have "sexlexia".
130. Not allowed to start a war reinactment group.
131. Not allowed to replace war room tabletop models with action figures.
132. Not allowed to steal anyone's clothes for "role-playing purposes".
*Especially not the President's.
133. Dr. Cottle has not authorized me to perform tests on Hera Agathon to see if she bounces.
134. I do not have a PhD in "sexology".
*Nor does Dr. Cottle.
*Nor does Dr. Baltar.
135. I do not have sole naming privilages in regards to callsigns.
136. I am not required to perform any of my duties naked.
*No, not even the Tai Chi moves Lt. Agathon taught me.
137. Not allowed to replace Captain Thrace's cigars with exploding ones.
*Nor Dr. Baltar's.
*Will not replace Dr. Cottle's cigarettes with exploding ones, for the good of us all.
138. Not allowed to wear a gimp mask while on duty.
139. Not allowed to use the phrase "it's a shame she won't live long" while referring to Lt. Agathon.
*Nor to prisoner Caprica Six.
140. Not allowed to siphon gas from Raptors.
*Nor from Vipers.
*Or to get nuggets to do it for me.
141. I am not the military-appointed atheist priest.
*Nor am I the advisor on Cylon spirituality.
142. Not allowed to tell nuggets that Col. Tigh made his eyepatch out of his dead wife's undergarments.
*Because it's not true.
*We hope.
143. I do not recieve spirit messages from Billy Keikeya.
*Nor from Ellen Tigh.
144. Not allowed to put bumper stickers on the Vipers.
145. Shiny buttons are not a suitable form of alternative currency.
*Even if I can get people to accept them.
134. Not allowed to refer to Hera Agathon as a "Tostito".
135. Not allowed to send the nuggets on a panty raid through the pilot's bunk room.
* or Col. Tigh's quarters
* Or Colonial One.
136. Not allowed to sit in Joe's Bar and lead a cheer of "Lee!" whenever he comes in.
* Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
137. Algae cannot be made into edible underwear.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
138. I am not Captain Thrace's "Special Destiny".
* Nor Gaius Baltar's
* Nor anyone's.
139. Not allowed to ask Tom Zarek if I can help him put the Vice in his Presidency.
* or to ask him if President Roslin already did.
140. The fleetwide wireless is not to be used for my personal entertainment.
153. Am not allowed to cough-say Billy's name during Major Adama and Lt. Dualla's wedding.
*Also not to cough-say Captain Thrace's.
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is "Poptart."
155. Will not remind the Agathons that their child might respond better to the name Isis.
156. Am not allowed to spread scandalous rumors about the president and the chief of staff.
*Including Pres. Roslin and Ms. Foster.
*Including Pres. Baltar and Lt. Gaeta.
*Pres. Roslin and Billy were so much less scandalous.
157. Am not allowed to repeat rumors from old Caprica that Roslin was getting it on with Pres. Adar.
*Especially not within earshot of Admiral Adama.
*Or Tory Foster.
158. Am not allowed to snicker when someone suggests we "toast" Lt. Agathon.
159. Will not taunt former President Baltar by wearing a red dress and claiming to be an angel of god while dancing outside his cell.
* Am not an angel of god.
* Am not a dancer, either.
160. "Liar, liar, pants on fire" is a children's expression and is not meant to suggest that one should actually set fire to the liar's pants.
* Even if the liar is former President Baltar.
* Especially if it's Admiral Adama.
161. Not allowed in or near brig due to dancing and fire incidents.
162. President Roslin does not appreciate being referred to as an Election Stealer.
* Or Baby Stealer.
* Or Military Asset Stealer.
* Or the Old Man's Main Squeeze.
163. The appropriate way to refer to the President of the Colonies is as Madam President or President Roslin.
164. When visiting Colonial One, being granted "permission to come aboard" is not an invitation to throw Tory Foster to the ground and make mad passionate love to her.
* Or to President Roslin.
* Or to Vice President Zarek.
* Or to any combination thereof.
165. Am not permitted to drop my pants on Colonial One.
* Am not permitted to "go commando" on Colonial One.
* Or any ship in the fleet.
* Even if Captain Thrace does.
166. Only Capt. Agathon is permitted to play Find the Reset Button with Lt. Agathon.
* If she had one, which she doesn't.
* No matter what Chief Tyrol claims.
167. Will not refer to medical treatment of Hera's intestinal condition as debugging.
168. Not allowed to ask Sam Anders to tell me the joke about the straw and the handcuffs again.
169. The proper way to stop Centarions is not by impaling them with wooden stakes, and I will not tell nuggets otherwise.
170. Not allowed to do "anything I want" once we get to Earth.
*Especially not put babies on spikes.
171. There is no such thing as a space pirate.
*Or a space ninja.
*Or a space gypsy.
*I am none of the above.
172. Not allowed to tell nuggets the primary form of entertainment on Galactica is poking Baltar with a stick.
*Not allowed to give nuggets especially pointy sticks.
*And point them in the direction of the brig.
*No longer allowed to say "stick" in front of Baltar at all, as this apparantly causes some sort of minor psychotic breakdown.
173. Not allowed to wear my "I'm a Cylon, ask me how" shirt while on duty.
*Nor while off duty.
*Not allowed to wear it at all.
*Nor the matching pin or hat.
174. Not allowed to airlock squadron members.
175. Not allowed to challenge any of Chief Tyrol's engineers to prove that they really can demolish forty beers.
* Especially considering we don't have any beer.
* Not allowed to brew beer.
* Not allowed to substitute whiskey.
176. Not allowed to skinny-dip in the water tanks.
177. Not allowed to announce my own landings with the words "hot stuff, coming through!"
178. I understand that I am taking my own life into my hands by telling Saggitaron jokes in front of Lt. Dualla.
* I understand that Lt. Dualla is married to the CAG.
* I understand that the CAG is feeling a bit defensive.
* I understand that the CAG is authorized to order me to clean out the launch tubes.
* With a toothbrush.
* As they're being used.
179. The phrase "little toaster of love" is hereby added to the banned list.
180. President Roslin is the only person in the Fleet authorized to declare jihad.
* On anyone.
* President Roslin does not plan on doing so.
* Unless I keep that up.
181. Admiral Adama never killed a man on Picon just to watch him die.
* As far as I know.
* Neither did President Roslin.
182. Am not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she was just humming "I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you." to her husband anymore.
183. Am not allowed to impersonate the shower inspector while Capt. Agathon is showering anymore.
*Even if I bring soap.
*Or really good conditioner
184. Am not allowed to hide in air ducts and play bagpipes when Admiral Adama talks to Lee.
*Not even if I include poundy drums
*especially if I include poundy drums
*further instances of this will result in the immediate confiscation of my poundy drums.
185. It is not funny when I hum "Billy don't be a hero." to Lt. Dualla and I need to stop.
*Even when Lee laughs.
186. Any further requests to Cally that she help me in some airlock maintenance procedures will result in my being placed in the brig for unauthorized jetisonning of annoying personnel.
*What, it's not like she fell for it.
*Okay, she did. Damn that Hotdog for filling her in.
*It was Tyrol's idea anyway.
187. Must stop firsthand research in the field of study I've been calling "How to make chamala less bitter."
*Not allowed to use Gaeta as a test subject any longer
*Not allowed to keep results from President Roslin
*Not allowed to claim that I have presidential funding for these activities, even if I do.
188. Not allowed to suggest that Hotdog race Lt. Edminson's track.
189. Must stop standing on Tigh's bad side, popping out and yelling, "Peekaboo! I see you!"
*or to test his depth perception on the stairs
190. Calling Admiral Adama "The before picture on the Accutane ad." is both disrespectful, and inappropriate.
*As is calling Hotdog the after
191. I am not authorized to form, operate or dissolve independent tribunals.
*"Adama does it all the time" is not a valid excuse. Or true.
*Even if it were it is not an excuse.
192. Lt. Gaeta's duties do not include defragging my harddrive.
*Replacing "my harddrive" with "me" or "my flight suit" does not change this rule.
193. Hera Agathon cannot heal my Athlete's Foot.
194. Viper Polo is not an appropriate use of military resources.
195. Raptors do not make "great bumper cars."
196. "Duck and Cover" is not an appropriate way of bracing for impact.
197. Nuggets and crash test dummies are not "basically the same thing."
198. It is not appropriate when Capt. Agathon is worried over his wife or child's health to lighten the mood by asking him if she's still under warranty.
* Or if it covers parts and labor.
* Or if it requires him to return her to the manufacturer.
* Or if Doc Cottle is going to void it by opening her up.
* Or if he needs a second estimate.
199. I am not an authorized Cylon dealer.
* Or re-seller.
* Or repair facility.
200. I do not have any special Cy-dis that allows me to detect a Cylon at 100 feet.
* I may not trademark the term "Cy-dis"
* Or put it on t-shirts.
201. You cannot tell if a nugget is a Cylon by having them sing show tunes while dancing naked.
* No, it doesn't matter if the nuggets are willing to try.
* No, I am not allowed to test my theory with the prisoner Caprica Six.
202. I will not distribute Roslin/Zarek t-shirts, posters, or campaign buttons with the slogan "politics makes strange bedfellows."
* Even if it secretly amuses President Roslin and Vice President Zarek.
* It does not amuse Admiral Adama.
* Or Tory Foster.
203. Lt. Gaeta does not have a callsign.
* And if he did, it would not be Recount.
204. I am not a one-man marching band.
205. In case of emergency, children are not to be used as personal floatation devices.
*Nor are nuggets.
206. Not allowed to attempt to teach former President Baltar tricks.
*No, not even if I can get him to roll over for a cookie.
*I am however required to file a full report on this incident.
207. I am not a member of the press.
*I am not a presidential aide.
*I am not an ambassador to anything.
*No, not even an honorary one.
208. Not allowed to claim 1/16th Cylon ancestory.
*No, not even for a deduction on my taxes.
209. Not allowed to use the hanger bay as a squash court.
210. Not allowed to use glitter.
*On anything.
*Ever.
211. I do not have superpowers.
*Even if I did, it would not be from forgoing radiation meds.
*Or from drinking from the Galactica still.
*And I will refrain from telling nuggets otherwise.
212. Not allowed to ask Bulldog how he got his callsign.
*Or theorize aloud on "whose ass he had to bite".
*Especially if my theories involve Admiral Adama.
213. Not allowed to spike the supply of post-mission champagne with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike the XO's whiskey with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike noodle broth with chamallah.
*My supply of chamallah has now been confiscated.
214. Not allowed to punctuate Capt. Thrace's makeout sessions in the rack with Samuel Anders by yelling "GOOOOOOOOAL!" in the manner of famous Caprican Pyramid announcer Isosceles Hernandez.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
215. Not allowed to send nuggets on scavenger hunts in the hanger deck.
*Not even if I do get Chief Tyrol's permission.
216. Not allowed to tell nuggets that the CIC inkjet printer is actually a beta-test version Cylon.
217. The starboard water tank is not my personal swimming pool.
218. Not allowed to form pressgangs.
219. Not allowed to set up kissing booths.
220. Not allowed to ask Major Adama if he knows where his towel is.
221. I have not "had it with these motherfrakking Cylons on this motherfrakking ship".
222. Not allowed to start my own religion.
223. I am not anyone's pimp.
224. Not allowed to rename the nuggets.
225. I am not allowed to hide Major Adama's wedding ring.
*Again
*Especially in Starbucks rack
226. Not allowed to create posters from Major Adama's towel malfunction & sell to the public.
227. It is not funny to refer to myself as the omnipotent Number One.
228. Not allowed to advertise Lt. Thrace's bunk as the 'A little slice of Prometheus aboard Galactica...no charge'
*Even if her husband made the joke first
*Especially if Major Adama is within earshot
229. It is not funny to follow around Sam Anders repeating that 'Resistance is futile'
230. "Shut the Frak Up...Next" is not adequate PTSD treatment
*Even if the CAG is the one whining
*Or if Starbuck is holding any sharp objects
231. Not allowed to name my Quadruplets Sharon, Deanna, Simon, & Leoban.
*We are not a musical group called the 'Cylon Family Singers'
236. Not allowed to sing "The Ball on Virgon" on duty.
* Or "Fire Down Below."
* Not allowed to sing either in front of the President.
* Or anywhere.
* Or reward nuggets for coming up with new verses.
237. The Cylon virus is not sexually transmitted.
* I will get exactly what I deserve for saying that in front of Captain Agathon.
* Or Colonel Tigh.
238. Until further notice, not allowed to speak to Colonel Tigh.
239. What happens in the showers does not stay in the showers.
240. Not allowed to taunt the Marines.
241. The Cylon agent betting pool has hereby been shut down.
* As has the "next person to sleep with a Cylon" pool.
* As has the nugget death pool.
* As has the Thrace/Anders/Adama/Dualla relationship breakdown pool.
* As has the "who's the President frakking?" pool.
242. President Roslin has not "had it with these motherfrakking snakes on her motherfrakking podium."
243. I am allowed eight days off per year for religious observances.
* I must clear these days at least one week in advance.
* "Oh gods, oh gods, we're all gonna die" is not a religious observance.
* An extra four hours' sleep is not a religious observance.
* Alcohol-fueled bunkroom orgies are not a religious observance.
* Or allowed.
244. It is better to ask permission than to beg forgiveness.
* No matter what Captain Thrace does.
* In general, Captain Thrace is a poor role model.
245. If I mention D'Anna Biers to the press, I deserve whatever picture they run.
246. Not allowed to start a porn business.
* Not allowed to take over Lieutenant Gaeta's porn business now he's in hack.
* If he had a porn business.
* Which he didn't.
247. Not allowed to start a rock band, either.