I'm no one's forever girl
With boys anyway. I don't see any way that any relationship will last longer that 2-4 years with a boy, because of my sex problem. I can't have sex or submit myself to sexual acts without going insane (not crazy, INSANE) but I also believe that, for the vast majority of humans, sex is a need, not a want. Well, it is a want too, but you know what I mean. It's a requirement for happiness, or at least happiness with a mate. So it's not fair of me to ask someone to give up one of their basic drives completely, for me.
There are ways around this, of course, but I don't do well in a polyamorous relationship, and while I could psychologically deal with having my mate go to others for sex alone, I'd always be terrified he was gonna bring home the new pet diesase du jour. But fun for me stops at the make-out and teasing stage, like a switch in my head or a tea kettle boiling over, my brain starts screaming and I lock up and freeze. Maybe it might work with a girl better, since most of my issues seem to be primarily triggered by either penetration (invasion) or fear of pregnancy. I admit my experience with girls is limited, and it's hard to meet them since I dislike most of the louder (more organized) parts of the gay community (but that's a different rant). I need to make a bunch of rainbow accessories or something. The problem with that being: my looks run towards cute rather than pretty, so if I dress in rainbow I end up looking like a Rainbow Brite, which is far too gaudy and not me at all.
The other option my brain presents me with (since I've obviously ruled out straight and asexual at this point) is to be a boy. I have approximately 1/3 of my soul that is a boy. I sometimes even have phantom limb syndrome with a certain appendage. But I am not sure whether it's for me to make such a big change. I would lose at least one of my close(est) friends. I know 'cause we've talked about it. But that's not really all that big a deal. I'm a loner by nature and I can weather the loss of friends. The issue is whether I am supposed to be working with the way nature shaped me to be content in who and what I am, or if I'm supposed to see the obvious solution and find the strength to take the drastic leap of paradigm shift. I've always been attracted to guys in what I feel as more of a gay way. If that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn't, cuz there's no true way of "feeling gay" or not. (Ask any gay what it feels like to be gay; guaranteed you'll get at least an eyeroll).
Today. Today was nice. I acquired a friend with benefits, and I think it will work, at least for a while. (More complicated if/when one of us gets an S.O.) This person really cares about me, and I've let them in deeply enough that they come nearer than anyone to understanding me. There's not the pressure in a fwb that there is in a romantic relationship to be a couple and do couple-type things (like have sex). So we made out and got a little sexy, but they backed off when we started to nudge the switch. And neither of us have any claim on the other, so I can fail to feel guilty about not following through on any teasing I do, because they have every right and ability to go elsewhere and neither of us is obligated to try to make things work if we can't deal with each other on a particular day/week/whatever. We still talk through problems and try to stay close, but we aren't being pressured (either by each other or by ourselves) to please each other, or make it work, or be a couple. And I think that makes all the difference. Today, I felt loved. Even though we aren't and will never be a couple. Even though there is nothing really holding us together except our mutual enjoyment (or maybe because of that). I felt love without confinement or social restrictions. It's not the same as romantic relationship love. More... caring and feeling cared for, but knowing that it is not a thing that is meant to last forever. It will last however long it lasts and neither of us has to push for it to last longer than that. Surprisingly enough, I don't feel cheapened by the experience either, as I did in my last try at fwb. This might be what I was looking for, where I can get what I need without feeling inadequate or guilty for being psychologically unable to give what they need. A relationship based on joy and friendship, rather than obligation. I like it.
I am becoming increasingly convinced that I am nobody's forever girl, and while that occasionally makes me depressed to the point of tears in the wee hours of the night, and while I definitely do not have enough data to actually come to that conclusion yet, I think that it is not the burden I have been programmed to believe. Yes, I love to love and be loved, and
maybe I will be someday, but what is love except joy and understanding and friendship?
There are ways around this, of course, but I don't do well in a polyamorous relationship, and while I could psychologically deal with having my mate go to others for sex alone, I'd always be terrified he was gonna bring home the new pet diesase du jour. But fun for me stops at the make-out and teasing stage, like a switch in my head or a tea kettle boiling over, my brain starts screaming and I lock up and freeze. Maybe it might work with a girl better, since most of my issues seem to be primarily triggered by either penetration (invasion) or fear of pregnancy. I admit my experience with girls is limited, and it's hard to meet them since I dislike most of the louder (more organized) parts of the gay community (but that's a different rant). I need to make a bunch of rainbow accessories or something. The problem with that being: my looks run towards cute rather than pretty, so if I dress in rainbow I end up looking like a Rainbow Brite, which is far too gaudy and not me at all.
The other option my brain presents me with (since I've obviously ruled out straight and asexual at this point) is to be a boy. I have approximately 1/3 of my soul that is a boy. I sometimes even have phantom limb syndrome with a certain appendage. But I am not sure whether it's for me to make such a big change. I would lose at least one of my close(est) friends. I know 'cause we've talked about it. But that's not really all that big a deal. I'm a loner by nature and I can weather the loss of friends. The issue is whether I am supposed to be working with the way nature shaped me to be content in who and what I am, or if I'm supposed to see the obvious solution and find the strength to take the drastic leap of paradigm shift. I've always been attracted to guys in what I feel as more of a gay way. If that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn't, cuz there's no true way of "feeling gay" or not. (Ask any gay what it feels like to be gay; guaranteed you'll get at least an eyeroll).
Today. Today was nice. I acquired a friend with benefits, and I think it will work, at least for a while. (More complicated if/when one of us gets an S.O.) This person really cares about me, and I've let them in deeply enough that they come nearer than anyone to understanding me. There's not the pressure in a fwb that there is in a romantic relationship to be a couple and do couple-type things (like have sex). So we made out and got a little sexy, but they backed off when we started to nudge the switch. And neither of us have any claim on the other, so I can fail to feel guilty about not following through on any teasing I do, because they have every right and ability to go elsewhere and neither of us is obligated to try to make things work if we can't deal with each other on a particular day/week/whatever. We still talk through problems and try to stay close, but we aren't being pressured (either by each other or by ourselves) to please each other, or make it work, or be a couple. And I think that makes all the difference. Today, I felt loved. Even though we aren't and will never be a couple. Even though there is nothing really holding us together except our mutual enjoyment (or maybe because of that). I felt love without confinement or social restrictions. It's not the same as romantic relationship love. More... caring and feeling cared for, but knowing that it is not a thing that is meant to last forever. It will last however long it lasts and neither of us has to push for it to last longer than that. Surprisingly enough, I don't feel cheapened by the experience either, as I did in my last try at fwb. This might be what I was looking for, where I can get what I need without feeling inadequate or guilty for being psychologically unable to give what they need. A relationship based on joy and friendship, rather than obligation. I like it.
I am becoming increasingly convinced that I am nobody's forever girl, and while that occasionally makes me depressed to the point of tears in the wee hours of the night, and while I definitely do not have enough data to actually come to that conclusion yet, I think that it is not the burden I have been programmed to believe. Yes, I love to love and be loved, and
maybe I will be someday, but what is love except joy and understanding and friendship?