arrrrrrrrrr
today i am filled with new, pirate-y determination.
my sister is home for thanksgiving! yay!! i haven't seen her in FORever. this makes me extremely happy, since she is the person i feel most like myself around, and i miss her immensely when she is not here. and she is my very, very best friend.
every now and then i consider high school. and i consider the reason i hated princeton. and i consider that it is all my fault. because i was too afraid to show people what i actually am because...i don't know...i needed to be loved by everyone but never felt that i was, sufficiently. that desire is of course insane.
i couldn't say, as my mother is so fond of saying "fuck it," i don't care what you think. i couldn't just say, "i'm here to learn and make something of myself. get out of my fucking way." i needed everyone to love me. and that was impossible, so instead i surrendered. this is so common. and so paralyzing.
but it is the plight of many, many girls. and maybe some boys?
when i started college i knew i was heading down that same path of shying away from everyone because i had once again prematurely decided that nobody would every like me enough. that i would never be wonderful enough in any capacity. and so i became a pale imitation again, so to speak.
nobody i know knows me at all (except my family). but that is going to change, mofos. that is all going to change. i must achieve this most basic goal of accepting my good qualities and my faults. i have to stop with this demure and calm act. fuck that fuck that fuck that. i'm not that. when you next meet me, if you do, you will know me for real. i promise.
my sister is home for thanksgiving! yay!! i haven't seen her in FORever. this makes me extremely happy, since she is the person i feel most like myself around, and i miss her immensely when she is not here. and she is my very, very best friend.
every now and then i consider high school. and i consider the reason i hated princeton. and i consider that it is all my fault. because i was too afraid to show people what i actually am because...i don't know...i needed to be loved by everyone but never felt that i was, sufficiently. that desire is of course insane.
i couldn't say, as my mother is so fond of saying "fuck it," i don't care what you think. i couldn't just say, "i'm here to learn and make something of myself. get out of my fucking way." i needed everyone to love me. and that was impossible, so instead i surrendered. this is so common. and so paralyzing.
but it is the plight of many, many girls. and maybe some boys?
when i started college i knew i was heading down that same path of shying away from everyone because i had once again prematurely decided that nobody would every like me enough. that i would never be wonderful enough in any capacity. and so i became a pale imitation again, so to speak.
nobody i know knows me at all (except my family). but that is going to change, mofos. that is all going to change. i must achieve this most basic goal of accepting my good qualities and my faults. i have to stop with this demure and calm act. fuck that fuck that fuck that. i'm not that. when you next meet me, if you do, you will know me for real. i promise.