okay then -- i'm not in school so all i do is post to livejournal?
Still trying to decide why I post to this. I think the closest answer to the truth is: I can only follow through on writing anything if I know someone will glance at it? or if I can imagine someone reading it, even if nobody does? it's not a reaction from anybody that I want. It is the license to imagine that someone is reading this. I don't know why.
I feel hopeless today. Or at least at this moment.
I can't believe I'm 20 years old. Two entire decades OLD. If my breasts were large enough for gravity to pull down on them, that would be happening soon. As it is, they just kind of float there.
That makes no fucking sense.
Molly is sighing in the corner because I haven't taken her for a walk yet. It's all she wants in life! The very, very least I can do. I can't imagine life without her. Why do I get along better with my dogs (not dawgs) than I do with most people?
So about this hopelessness. There is no denying that I am an adult right now. Of course I'm still somebody's child, and will always be, but I in and of myself am a real honest-to-gosh adult.
So taking charge would be the adult thing to do.
I'm trying to figure out how this all started, about a year ago. When did I become this person so self-obsessed she can't focus on anything or find joy in things she once loved? When did I become this burden on everyone close to me?
Could the trigger be as unoriginal as the disappointment that is college? Lots of people feel that. I went to the "gt" center and didn't "fit in" there. So I went to TJ and didn't "fit in" there either. So I went to Princeton and didn't "fit in" there.
Everyone downplays the value of "fitting in." But that is all human beings actually want. What I mean by "fitting in" is finding people who make you believe you are worth something. Who come to know you and hear you as deeply as you know and hear them. I have that in my sister, since we are practically the same person.
Every time she calls me she talks about how there must be something wrong with her and she will never develop meaningful relationships with anyone but me. And I don't know what to say to her. I can't help. And it very literally makes me want to rip out my internal organs in a highly emotive fashion.
I know I'm not responsible for others' happiness. Some people will never, ever be happy because of circumstances no one can explain, and there is nothing you can do. But then I find myself wondering what good is anything at all? There seems to be no reason to try now.
My lame desire to go live on a deserted island with Molly is a constant underlying thought. I can't escape because I don't have the means. And then there's the guilt that would accompany that, too.
I don't want to talk to anybody. Because I have to put on one of my many similar fronts. For one friend, it's the, "I'm a sort-of-weird and horny teenage girl, who makes a joke out of everything. Come to me with your problems and I will make fun of you and make you feel better."
For another friend, I'm the motivational speaker and cheerleader, always issuing phony reassurances that all is well.
And whenever Barack Obama calls me, it's the least I can do to offer him as much support as possible. Just look at the stress he's under right now. Unreal.
I'm not a real person. Just reading these absurd lj posts, I can see how many different styles of myself I have tried on in the recent past.
What am I doing. What am I doing. What am I doing. What am I doing.
I'm totally insufferable to myself and to everyone I know. What the fuck am I doing.
No, everything will not be okay. Nothing will be okay. That's how shit happens.
I need to make a plan. It needs to be as realistic as possible, yet I must keep in mind that I am not a realistic person. Should I gradually pull myself out of this or try to shock myself out of it? This has been going on for so long I'm more attracted to option 2.
My whole life and my whole mind has become nothing. In my head all I can see is a tall brick grey wall that blocks out the whole sky. And there's graffiti or something on the wall (aural graffiti?) enumerating all the reasons why this wall will never fall.
It's plain to see your brains are very small to think walking will be knocking down our wall!
I do take a lot of walks.
When you start quoting Veggie Tales inappropriately, God is trying to tell you something?
No probably not.
I need a plan, like I said before. I have become very repetitive. me me me me me.
I need plan. plan plan plan. planny plan plan.
FUCK.
OK. HERE COMES A PLAN. I CAN FEEEEEEL IT:
I need to get proactive like that infomercial acne cream. Only even more fucking caustic, hommmmes.
I could rap, except that doesn't rhyme, and I don't particularly want to be "caustic."
Yes, today is a bad spell of the crazies.
PLAN PLAN PLAN:
- Force yourself to call the Dr., even if it turns out that we have no insurance. Heck , how much can it cost anyway?
- Keep in mind that all your parents want is for you to be happy. Even if this isn't strictly true, it does simplify things for the time being.
- Stop staying up all night and sleeping until noon. That is gross. Down some Benadryl if need be, bitch.
- Understand that you need to behave differently if you ever want to feel differently. The cycle must be broken.
- Realize that nobody else besides you can fix this.
- Perhaps accept that you are a selfish person and get over it. You can devote the rest of your life to finding ways NOT to be an asshole.
- For the next 5-6 weeks, just focus on calming down, getting enough rest, getting exercise, spending time with your dawg, and doing mindless activities that are distracting and soothing. like chopping vegetables. or folding laundry. we have recently learned that asking too much of your brain at this juncture does not produce good results.
- take as many walks as you want, since you seem to enjoy those.
imagine how life might be once this is over.
fuck the typos. stop being so anal.
I feel hopeless today. Or at least at this moment.
I can't believe I'm 20 years old. Two entire decades OLD. If my breasts were large enough for gravity to pull down on them, that would be happening soon. As it is, they just kind of float there.
That makes no fucking sense.
Molly is sighing in the corner because I haven't taken her for a walk yet. It's all she wants in life! The very, very least I can do. I can't imagine life without her. Why do I get along better with my dogs (not dawgs) than I do with most people?
So about this hopelessness. There is no denying that I am an adult right now. Of course I'm still somebody's child, and will always be, but I in and of myself am a real honest-to-gosh adult.
So taking charge would be the adult thing to do.
I'm trying to figure out how this all started, about a year ago. When did I become this person so self-obsessed she can't focus on anything or find joy in things she once loved? When did I become this burden on everyone close to me?
Could the trigger be as unoriginal as the disappointment that is college? Lots of people feel that. I went to the "gt" center and didn't "fit in" there. So I went to TJ and didn't "fit in" there either. So I went to Princeton and didn't "fit in" there.
Everyone downplays the value of "fitting in." But that is all human beings actually want. What I mean by "fitting in" is finding people who make you believe you are worth something. Who come to know you and hear you as deeply as you know and hear them. I have that in my sister, since we are practically the same person.
Every time she calls me she talks about how there must be something wrong with her and she will never develop meaningful relationships with anyone but me. And I don't know what to say to her. I can't help. And it very literally makes me want to rip out my internal organs in a highly emotive fashion.
I know I'm not responsible for others' happiness. Some people will never, ever be happy because of circumstances no one can explain, and there is nothing you can do. But then I find myself wondering what good is anything at all? There seems to be no reason to try now.
My lame desire to go live on a deserted island with Molly is a constant underlying thought. I can't escape because I don't have the means. And then there's the guilt that would accompany that, too.
I don't want to talk to anybody. Because I have to put on one of my many similar fronts. For one friend, it's the, "I'm a sort-of-weird and horny teenage girl, who makes a joke out of everything. Come to me with your problems and I will make fun of you and make you feel better."
For another friend, I'm the motivational speaker and cheerleader, always issuing phony reassurances that all is well.
And whenever Barack Obama calls me, it's the least I can do to offer him as much support as possible. Just look at the stress he's under right now. Unreal.
I'm not a real person. Just reading these absurd lj posts, I can see how many different styles of myself I have tried on in the recent past.
What am I doing. What am I doing. What am I doing. What am I doing.
I'm totally insufferable to myself and to everyone I know. What the fuck am I doing.
No, everything will not be okay. Nothing will be okay. That's how shit happens.
I need to make a plan. It needs to be as realistic as possible, yet I must keep in mind that I am not a realistic person. Should I gradually pull myself out of this or try to shock myself out of it? This has been going on for so long I'm more attracted to option 2.
My whole life and my whole mind has become nothing. In my head all I can see is a tall brick grey wall that blocks out the whole sky. And there's graffiti or something on the wall (aural graffiti?) enumerating all the reasons why this wall will never fall.
It's plain to see your brains are very small to think walking will be knocking down our wall!
I do take a lot of walks.
When you start quoting Veggie Tales inappropriately, God is trying to tell you something?
No probably not.
I need a plan, like I said before. I have become very repetitive. me me me me me.
I need plan. plan plan plan. planny plan plan.
FUCK.
OK. HERE COMES A PLAN. I CAN FEEEEEEL IT:
I need to get proactive like that infomercial acne cream. Only even more fucking caustic, hommmmes.
I could rap, except that doesn't rhyme, and I don't particularly want to be "caustic."
Yes, today is a bad spell of the crazies.
PLAN PLAN PLAN:
- Force yourself to call the Dr., even if it turns out that we have no insurance. Heck , how much can it cost anyway?
- Keep in mind that all your parents want is for you to be happy. Even if this isn't strictly true, it does simplify things for the time being.
- Stop staying up all night and sleeping until noon. That is gross. Down some Benadryl if need be, bitch.
- Understand that you need to behave differently if you ever want to feel differently. The cycle must be broken.
- Realize that nobody else besides you can fix this.
- Perhaps accept that you are a selfish person and get over it. You can devote the rest of your life to finding ways NOT to be an asshole.
- For the next 5-6 weeks, just focus on calming down, getting enough rest, getting exercise, spending time with your dawg, and doing mindless activities that are distracting and soothing. like chopping vegetables. or folding laundry. we have recently learned that asking too much of your brain at this juncture does not produce good results.
- take as many walks as you want, since you seem to enjoy those.
imagine how life might be once this is over.
fuck the typos. stop being so anal.