The last weeks as a Single Parent of Two
October 7th I got a second child, complete with six-and-half years' worth of Programming By Others along with that unequivocally alien Male Gene - a frightening combination if I had the sense or the knowledge to think about it. At the time, I obviously had neither
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I want to be supportive, but there's a little part of me that kind of balks at you describing yourself as just NOW becoming a single mother. I've been thinking of you that way all along.
I guess that's because of the very strict definitions I had laid out for me in my childhood by my mom. She told me a lot of stuff to prepare me for those moment when her boyfriends would try to make promises she knew they would never keep, or when they would buy me extravagant presents, figuring it would win her favor. She also told me all that stuff preparing me for the day when they would eventually leave. She assured me that they don't ALL leave, but that I was not to assume that any one of them was bound to stick around until she told me that it was safe to start thinking that. Even when it came close to happening, I was told it was a big fat IF until such time that the guy was living in our house and I had seen them walk down the aisle (and that never happened, but I don't think that was anyone's fault but hers). However it went down, I always knew my mom was alone, even if it seemed like there was someone with her at the time. This might be in some teeny tiny way responsible for what is occasionally a really bad tendency toward sexism (anti-male) on my part, but on the same note, it came in handy later on in relationships. I've been very able to determine where things are going, and able to speak up the moment I feel I might not understand this, but it also makes me paranoid. Let's just say I don't usually have high expectations of men...
Ahem.
That being said... *puts her "friend of G's" hat on* When you said the stuff about becoming a single parent because your partner has moved on... I got to wondering... um... Did you guys decide to foster these kids together, or was it your decision on your own? I had gotten the impression that it was your choice, outside of your relationship. Making G responsible for making you a "single mom" in this regard is a little unfair. *takes off her "G" hat*
Now I want to step back to my mom again, and try to gently caution you about letting yourself slip into a particular mode of thinking in this regard....
My mom's big quest through my whole childhood was to find me a new father. Her career came first because it put food on the table, and that stupid little quest came second because she thought it was the magic pill to save our lives. It's really not. I've come to believe that if someone is meant to be part of your family, they will actively seek to be there, you shouldn't have to go out and work hard to find them and then make them stay. I feel, looking back, that my mom wasted over half her life trying to do just this thing, and I would save you that pain. If you allow yourself to feel like you're only a "part" because you don't currently have a partner, then you're probably not going to be doing your full job as a mother, and you're cheating yourself out of enjoying it because you were expecting something else. This isn't to say you shouldn't open yourself to letting someone else into your family, you should! Just don't let yourself feel incomplete without someone- it's not fun to be alone, sure, but you're still an amazing parent with or without a partner, and you need to believe in that above all else. And I mean that, because I already thought you were an amazing single parent.
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First I HAVE been (and thought of myself as) a single mother all this time! I wasn't talking about going from Un-Single (if you will) to Single...but from Single Mom of One Child to Single Mom of Two! It's just that this happened roughly at the same time as the breakup (just about a week before, actually). In fact, during the whole time G and I were together, I consciously tried to protect K in a similar way that it sounds your mom did: By repeatedly making it clear to her (and to myself!) that he and I were not sure about the future, that we were 'just considering' the possibility of choosing each other, that "tentative" was part of the nature of that stage of the relationship. I felt ESPECIALLY cautious about K because of her MAJOR past issues with adult males (not that I wouldn't be with any other child) and understanding how important her own relationship with K was (the first adult male she can really trust in her entire life...which is the main reason why I'm thankful for G's willingness to remain in her life). So yeah, the entire year (almost a year) that the relationship lasted I've been walking the tightrope of encouraging her to trust and get attached...(because it was good for her to a certain extent) and not getting her hopes up TOO high about what I've come to call "the Intact Family Fantasy" while simultaneously trying to keep things separate in MY mind regarding what I was doing mentally to protect her, and myself, from an eventual breakup. So unlike you it sounds like, seems I keep having higher expectations from men than I should. But to be fair I don't know if this was a question of "higher" expectations or just "different" expectations...that's all relative I guess.
So again to clarify, YES it was MY decision to foster kids BEFORE G and I got together. (In fact, it was when I decided I was DONE with men! It was my legendary "Who needs Mr Right to give me children - the State will!" move! Heh!) Of course it wouldn't be fair to "blame G for making me a single mom"! I'd never say that, so sorry if it sounded that way...in fact I wouldn't "blame" anyone because I CHOSE to be a single mom, and to this day I stand by my choice and would do it over again, too (in fact it is still a choice)!...It's just that the unexpected relationship with G that started evolving shortly after I got K, made it soooo easy for me to develop...well, the "intact family fantasy" - see?- at least on a part-time basis. But that's all it was - a fantasy. The day to day reality was very clearly me as a single mom with my kid. The day to day reality TODAY is very very clearly me as a single mom with my kids! What the fantasy did was make the 'reality' appear just a bit less attractive by contrast, than say if I'd never had those part-time experiences of the three of us together (G, K, me) to foster the fantasy. Make sense?
So what that means now is, well, for me it's at least in theory, back to Plan ...well I lost count but let me see I guess that'd be back to plan "C" - yeah plan "C" (where "A" was get-married-have-kids, then "B" after the divorce was meet-someone-else-get-married-have-kids, then "C" was "the-hell-with-men-I'll-just-adopt-some-kids", and then "D" was "here's-this-wonderful-guy-and-turns-out-he-LIKES-me-AND-this-kid(s)-I'm-raising!") so it's a U-turn sort of situation right now, and that's the difficulty of it I guess. Not sure how to do that, particularly after having had a taste of the fantasy in a way I never had before.It makes me think that Plan "C" might have been easier, probably, if "D" never happened...but then it might still happen some day (see, there I go hoping, incurably...) and then, whether that's in two years or ten, the memory of that "taste" I got with Glenn might help me get out of the "confort zone" of having been in Plan C mode for a while...if that makes any sense.
Thanks as usual for the comment and the opportunity to sort things out. And for the huge compliment and support -it did not get lost in all that.
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I know what you mean though, I had similar experiences, though just with very long term relationships. One of them was long enough I referred to it as my brush with common law marriage, but they all ended sadly, and I took a similar vow, though I was less inclined to children, so my plan C involved lots of, um, well, women ;)
But since I accidentally tripped on someone worth re-investigating plan A, I would encourage you to not give up on the male race entirely- in fact, I remember my mom even told me that once! *giggle* Just you never know who you might find under the next rock. They're not all evil. My "accident" happened when I had given up, actually- someone brought him around a group of friends who I started spending all my time with because since I had given up on men I had nothing better to do! :) I tried to resist him for quite some time, even told him to get lost at first (which was even documented in our wedding ceremony) but he sort of weaseled his way in... I was shocked, and I admit, even a bit suspicious. He seemed too good to be true, but so far he hasn't grown any weird appendages so I let him stay.
But I also think plan C is great, and I totally understand it. Relationships are a hassle, and kids are a lot of fun. I know lots of women who have gone that route, and I fully support it. I just always encourage everyone to not close the door to future possibilities ;)
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