24 Fic: Survivors' Guilt - Tony/Michelle, Jack
Author's Notes: I’ve had this thing written forever and decided it might be nice to post it. More repayment for agent_almeida and astrum_presul in the form of fic! More angst as well. Enjoy!
The wind whipped briskly through the trees and a chill ran down his spine as he made his way up the path towards the front door of the house. The soft crunch of gravel underneath his feet made him feel like he was making too much noise. If the occupant of the house was given any warning towards his impending arrival they might try to avoid him, so he needed to be as quiet as possible.
He wondered what excuse she would use this time; what reason she would offer up for keeping him out of the house. She had been avoiding him ever since that night and adamantly refused any sort of attempt he made to check up on her from there on in. Normally that wouldn’t matter to him; he would understand that sometimes things between people, (even, dare he say, friends), became awkward and there was just no way around it…but this time he’d promised; and he was only as good as his promises, everyone knew that.
That’s why he’d been made to promise after all…Because everyone knew that he would keep the promise regardless of what happened, and this was one promise that simply had to be kept.
The light in the bedroom was on, as was the one in the den, and he had vague memories of the last time he’d spent more than a minute in her presence and what had resulted. She’d looked almost…disgusted with herself; like she couldn’t possibly sink any lower and it had made him feel nauseous. He’d been with people who hated him, who wanted nothing more than for him to die a slow and painful death, who despised him and everything he stood for, but never had he seen someone look like that. Like they hated themselves, and not him at all, for what had happened in that moment; as if he wasn’t to blame. He was always to blame.
He took a deep breath before rubbing his palms against his thighs and pressing the doorbell. It was a few seconds before he heard footsteps; hesitant, resentful footsteps.
“You shouldn’t be here, Jack.” The iciness in her voice cut like a knife.
“Well I am here…” he bit back. “And you can’t avoid me forever…”
She stared him down, eyes narrowed, and he sensed it as she considered slamming the door in his face, as she had every night for the past week. After a long, internal debate she took a step back and motioned for him to enter.
There were no more excuses left, (not that she really needed one).
“What do you want?” she snapped defensively.
“I want to talk to you about what happened.”
She sighed heavily and for a moment the emotion that used to be so apparent on her face returned.
“There’s nothing to talk about…It was just a mistake.”
“You can’t push everyone away Michelle. You need-”
“I don’t need you.” She cut him off, placing a delicate emphasis on the ‘you’.
They both simultaneously averted each other’s gaze; feeling uncomfortable and almost glad of it. That little bit of awkwardness between them was necessary; it was familiarity they were wary of…it was familiarity that she dreaded.
Jack realized how right she was. He was used to being depended on by so many people. Even when there was no one else you could still depend on Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer was always there when you needed him.
But Michelle didn’t need him. Michelle didn’t need anyone...and there was something oddly liberating about that. When he was with Michelle he didn’t have to maintain his mask and avoid showing even the slightest sign of weakness. He got to be a little more human when he was with her because she didn’t need him to hold the world together for her. She did just fine on her own.
It was what had got them in trouble in the first place.
“You’ve been coming over here every night since and…” her voice trailed off.
They’d kissed.
Somehow they’d ended up kissing, neither being really sure who had initiated it and both of them taking way too long to pull away. It was as if, in that moment, they hadn’t been thinking. They’d simultaneously let their guards down, it was happening before they could stop it and it felt too good - it felt too much - to break it.
“Michelle please…” he inclined his head slightly towards her and the steeliness in her gaze faltered. “I just want to talk to you.”
She tensed slightly at first but nodded in the end.
Of all the things to have sent off warning bells in her head, it was the way he had kissed her that made Michelle finally clue in to what was happening. It wasn’t the idea that a few minutes before they’d been engrossed in a conversation about…him. It wasn’t that they were in their house, surrounded by their things. It wasn’t that her lips were against someone else’s when all of her should be focusing on something else. It was when he did this weird thing with his lips and pressed deeper against her mouth that pulled her out of the moment and made her realize how completely wrong the whole thing was. It was the angle of his head and the way his hands gripped her shoulders that made her realize that this was definitely not how she liked to be kissed. She felt…yes. She had felt contact, but nothing more. She wasn’t caught up in the response of her body - her heart pounding, her stomaching churning - she was focused on the contact and relishing the fact that this was the closest she’d been to another human being in weeks. It did nothing for her though. It was all wrong. Very wrong.
“Why are you doing this, Jack?” she asked cutting straight to the point; she sounded exhausted now.
“I’m worried about you.” He did the same, well aware there was no need to mince words with her. There was no need to coat it with euphemisms to ease her into the truth. Not with her.
“I don’t need you to worry about me.” She snapped and her heels clicked harshly against the tiled floor as she moved quickly from the hallway to the kitchen.
His slower, heavier steps followed.
“Well I do.” He told her flatly as she reached into the cupboard for glasses. “Everyone’s worried.”
“I don’t need you to worry…” She repeated as she pushed the water in front of him. “I need you to do something.”
“I’m trying.”
“Well it’s not working.”
“It’s not that…”
“If President Palmer doesn’t…before he leaves office…it’s over. And I can’t just leave him there because…” a sob rose in her throat and she choked it back.
“Michelle, I am doing everything I can for Tony… You know that.” He assured her, his voice softening.
“I’m sorry I…” she wiped her mouth. “I know you are.”
At first he thought she was going to say something else but instead she reached for her drink. He sighed heavily and took a sip of his own.
“It’s just if he hadn’t…” she broke. Jack sighed tiredly.
“I know you’re angry at him because of what he did. But beating yourself up over it isn’t going to make things any better.”
Her eyes widened and she swallowed hard.
“What Tony did…how many people do you think would’ve been able to make the hard choice - the right choice?”
“How can I be angry at him when he’s the reason I’m still here?” she choked out as Jack stepped closer.
“Because he was lucky nothing bad happened to anyone else because of what he did…you’re angry because innocent people could’ve died so you wouldn’t, and you would never be able to live with yourself if that had happened.” He insisted hoarsely.
“That’s why you and Gael and everyone went inside the Chandler Plaza Hotel. Sacrificing yourself for the people who are innocent and who haven’t done the things we have seems like the only choice there is to make, but Tony chose you.”
Michelle felt her knees give way beneath her and she sunk into the nearest chair, her hands shaking and her head spinning. She had killed a man that day…even though he was going to die anyway she had killed him for being afraid; for wanting to try and save himself. He had done nothing to her and she had shot him point blank. She was as not-innocent as they came now.
“Michelle you have to realize that the decision Tony made was not the decision to let innocent people die so you could live.” Jack’s voice interrupted her reverie. “He wasn’t thinking about all those other people in the split second he had to choose…he was thinking about you and only you and he would never hesitate to protect you. I’ve been there, believe me. I would’ve done whatever was necessary to save Teri…I just didn’t get the chance.”
After a few minutes she finally spoke.
“About before…”
“I’m sorry.” He stated immediately.
She nodded. “Me too.”
“I never meant…”
“I know. It’s okay. It’s done and it was just…one of those things.”
We both needed it. Their eyes locked and she turned away quickly, a familiar sense of déjà vu creeping over her. That’s how it had started the last time. They’d both been looking for something and they were all there was left.
The truth was, he might’ve been there because of her, but he needed her just as much. He needed someone who could relate to it; he needed someone who held no judgment both about his heroin addiction and about what he had done that day. She knew about Ryan…he told her a few weeks afterwards. It was classified and top secret and he had, uncharacteristically, told her. He had to tell someone and there was no one else he trusted like that anymore.
“They want me to go to Seattle.” She was quiet now.
Jack looked up from the counter and frowned.
“What for?”
“A position at Homeland Security.”
He considered this carefully before finally speaking.
“You should take it.”
“I already did.”
He looked at her in surprise.
“I can’t keep doing this…CTU…everyday,” she shrugged defeatedly. “It’s getting harder and harder and now that Driscoll’s there it’s even worse.”
He nodded. That was the main reason he wanted Michelle to take the job. She and Erin Driscoll were like oil and water for whatever reason. There were few people Michelle clashed with professionally. She always found a way to work with almost anyone (it was a trait that was invaluable, especially since neither he or Tony could boast about having the same thing). But the second Driscoll had stepped into CTU and started ordering everyone around and changing protocols, practically undoing everything the three of them had spent the better part of three years trying to build, Michelle went on the defensive. Michelle started confronting the new Director over orders that contradicted ones that would’ve otherwise been given. She came to Jack for support which he willingly gave, (namely because he thought Michelle was right, but partially because he thought Erin Driscoll was on a power trip) but Driscoll seemed determined to get rid of Michelle. So much so that all of this had come to fruition the previous week…the same day they ended up kissing.
“Erin, I think it’s a mistake to call in an air assault. The chance of Isaacson actually being in that building is slim and it would destroy any evidence.”
“You may have become comfortable taking risks like that under old management, but this isn’t how we’re going to be running things anymore. We play by the rules to minimize blowback from District.”
“Thousands of people could be dead in a few hours if we don’t find Isaacson and you’re trying to cover your own ass.” Michelle snapped back.
“Michelle, I understand things may have been different for you when your husband was in charge, but the last time I checked we didn’t speak to our superiors like that.”
“And the last time I checked we’re supposed to be preventing the loss of life - !”
“Things at CTU were in chaos before. The fact that Tony Almeida was even put in such a position was unthinkable and now he’s a convicted traitor. You shouldn’t have even been working together in the first place.”
“And if you think by changing the subject you can beat me into submission I invite you to try.”
Michelle stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
He’d taken her home that night, despite her protests and in the midst of climbing the small steps to the house she’d broken down - the first time he’d seen her do so…ever. She’d collapsed against the porch and hugged her knees to her chest as she sobbed quietly. He hadn’t tried to reassure her or comfort her; he’d simply found the key in her purse and opened the door. When she’d calmed down he lifted her up and helped her into the house and by the time they’d made it into the living room they were kissing.
They broke apart as he bumped against the coffee table and she pushed him away slightly, running her fingers through her hair. He watched her sadly as they both mumbled hurried apologies over each other and he finally declared he should go and she agreed wholeheartedly.
“You’ll be okay?” As guilty he have felt about kissing his only friend’s wife he’d have felt even worse if he left to fall to pieces alone. He’d made one promise and it had nothing to do with presidential pardons or appeals: he’d promised he’d take care of her whether she wanted him to or not.
“Yeah…” her cheeks were flushed and she blinked back the stinging in her eyes. “I’ll be fine.”
“When do you leave?” Jack asked quietly.
“Two weeks. Homeland has been informed of the circumstances. They found an apartment for me and I’ll have a few consecutive days off a month so I can go back and forth…”
Jack nodded solemnly and Michelle felt nothing. Feeling would mean feeling the guilt and the guilt was unbearable. She hoped it would get better when she’d settled in Seattle, but the idea that she was abandoning him when he needed her the most - when she was the reason he needed her the most - ate away at her.
“I mean, it’s not like they let me see him much anyway.” She gulped, brushing back a few loose tears.
“And he keeps telling me not to even bother coming so maybe…this’ll help. And maybe if I give us both some breathing room President Palmer will be able to help and then I can come back.”
“I’ll be here.” Jack assured her. “There’s no reason to feel guilty.”
Michelle smiled weakly. “I know. I can’t help it.”
Jack sighed heavily as he met her eyes.
“I know.”
Me either.
The wind whipped briskly through the trees and a chill ran down his spine as he made his way up the path towards the front door of the house. The soft crunch of gravel underneath his feet made him feel like he was making too much noise. If the occupant of the house was given any warning towards his impending arrival they might try to avoid him, so he needed to be as quiet as possible.
He wondered what excuse she would use this time; what reason she would offer up for keeping him out of the house. She had been avoiding him ever since that night and adamantly refused any sort of attempt he made to check up on her from there on in. Normally that wouldn’t matter to him; he would understand that sometimes things between people, (even, dare he say, friends), became awkward and there was just no way around it…but this time he’d promised; and he was only as good as his promises, everyone knew that.
That’s why he’d been made to promise after all…Because everyone knew that he would keep the promise regardless of what happened, and this was one promise that simply had to be kept.
The light in the bedroom was on, as was the one in the den, and he had vague memories of the last time he’d spent more than a minute in her presence and what had resulted. She’d looked almost…disgusted with herself; like she couldn’t possibly sink any lower and it had made him feel nauseous. He’d been with people who hated him, who wanted nothing more than for him to die a slow and painful death, who despised him and everything he stood for, but never had he seen someone look like that. Like they hated themselves, and not him at all, for what had happened in that moment; as if he wasn’t to blame. He was always to blame.
He took a deep breath before rubbing his palms against his thighs and pressing the doorbell. It was a few seconds before he heard footsteps; hesitant, resentful footsteps.
“You shouldn’t be here, Jack.” The iciness in her voice cut like a knife.
“Well I am here…” he bit back. “And you can’t avoid me forever…”
She stared him down, eyes narrowed, and he sensed it as she considered slamming the door in his face, as she had every night for the past week. After a long, internal debate she took a step back and motioned for him to enter.
There were no more excuses left, (not that she really needed one).
“What do you want?” she snapped defensively.
“I want to talk to you about what happened.”
She sighed heavily and for a moment the emotion that used to be so apparent on her face returned.
“There’s nothing to talk about…It was just a mistake.”
“You can’t push everyone away Michelle. You need-”
“I don’t need you.” She cut him off, placing a delicate emphasis on the ‘you’.
They both simultaneously averted each other’s gaze; feeling uncomfortable and almost glad of it. That little bit of awkwardness between them was necessary; it was familiarity they were wary of…it was familiarity that she dreaded.
Jack realized how right she was. He was used to being depended on by so many people. Even when there was no one else you could still depend on Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer was always there when you needed him.
But Michelle didn’t need him. Michelle didn’t need anyone...and there was something oddly liberating about that. When he was with Michelle he didn’t have to maintain his mask and avoid showing even the slightest sign of weakness. He got to be a little more human when he was with her because she didn’t need him to hold the world together for her. She did just fine on her own.
It was what had got them in trouble in the first place.
“You’ve been coming over here every night since and…” her voice trailed off.
They’d kissed.
Somehow they’d ended up kissing, neither being really sure who had initiated it and both of them taking way too long to pull away. It was as if, in that moment, they hadn’t been thinking. They’d simultaneously let their guards down, it was happening before they could stop it and it felt too good - it felt too much - to break it.
“Michelle please…” he inclined his head slightly towards her and the steeliness in her gaze faltered. “I just want to talk to you.”
She tensed slightly at first but nodded in the end.
Of all the things to have sent off warning bells in her head, it was the way he had kissed her that made Michelle finally clue in to what was happening. It wasn’t the idea that a few minutes before they’d been engrossed in a conversation about…him. It wasn’t that they were in their house, surrounded by their things. It wasn’t that her lips were against someone else’s when all of her should be focusing on something else. It was when he did this weird thing with his lips and pressed deeper against her mouth that pulled her out of the moment and made her realize how completely wrong the whole thing was. It was the angle of his head and the way his hands gripped her shoulders that made her realize that this was definitely not how she liked to be kissed. She felt…yes. She had felt contact, but nothing more. She wasn’t caught up in the response of her body - her heart pounding, her stomaching churning - she was focused on the contact and relishing the fact that this was the closest she’d been to another human being in weeks. It did nothing for her though. It was all wrong. Very wrong.
“Why are you doing this, Jack?” she asked cutting straight to the point; she sounded exhausted now.
“I’m worried about you.” He did the same, well aware there was no need to mince words with her. There was no need to coat it with euphemisms to ease her into the truth. Not with her.
“I don’t need you to worry about me.” She snapped and her heels clicked harshly against the tiled floor as she moved quickly from the hallway to the kitchen.
His slower, heavier steps followed.
“Well I do.” He told her flatly as she reached into the cupboard for glasses. “Everyone’s worried.”
“I don’t need you to worry…” She repeated as she pushed the water in front of him. “I need you to do something.”
“I’m trying.”
“Well it’s not working.”
“It’s not that…”
“If President Palmer doesn’t…before he leaves office…it’s over. And I can’t just leave him there because…” a sob rose in her throat and she choked it back.
“Michelle, I am doing everything I can for Tony… You know that.” He assured her, his voice softening.
“I’m sorry I…” she wiped her mouth. “I know you are.”
At first he thought she was going to say something else but instead she reached for her drink. He sighed heavily and took a sip of his own.
“It’s just if he hadn’t…” she broke. Jack sighed tiredly.
“I know you’re angry at him because of what he did. But beating yourself up over it isn’t going to make things any better.”
Her eyes widened and she swallowed hard.
“What Tony did…how many people do you think would’ve been able to make the hard choice - the right choice?”
“How can I be angry at him when he’s the reason I’m still here?” she choked out as Jack stepped closer.
“Because he was lucky nothing bad happened to anyone else because of what he did…you’re angry because innocent people could’ve died so you wouldn’t, and you would never be able to live with yourself if that had happened.” He insisted hoarsely.
“That’s why you and Gael and everyone went inside the Chandler Plaza Hotel. Sacrificing yourself for the people who are innocent and who haven’t done the things we have seems like the only choice there is to make, but Tony chose you.”
Michelle felt her knees give way beneath her and she sunk into the nearest chair, her hands shaking and her head spinning. She had killed a man that day…even though he was going to die anyway she had killed him for being afraid; for wanting to try and save himself. He had done nothing to her and she had shot him point blank. She was as not-innocent as they came now.
“Michelle you have to realize that the decision Tony made was not the decision to let innocent people die so you could live.” Jack’s voice interrupted her reverie. “He wasn’t thinking about all those other people in the split second he had to choose…he was thinking about you and only you and he would never hesitate to protect you. I’ve been there, believe me. I would’ve done whatever was necessary to save Teri…I just didn’t get the chance.”
After a few minutes she finally spoke.
“About before…”
“I’m sorry.” He stated immediately.
She nodded. “Me too.”
“I never meant…”
“I know. It’s okay. It’s done and it was just…one of those things.”
We both needed it. Their eyes locked and she turned away quickly, a familiar sense of déjà vu creeping over her. That’s how it had started the last time. They’d both been looking for something and they were all there was left.
The truth was, he might’ve been there because of her, but he needed her just as much. He needed someone who could relate to it; he needed someone who held no judgment both about his heroin addiction and about what he had done that day. She knew about Ryan…he told her a few weeks afterwards. It was classified and top secret and he had, uncharacteristically, told her. He had to tell someone and there was no one else he trusted like that anymore.
“They want me to go to Seattle.” She was quiet now.
Jack looked up from the counter and frowned.
“What for?”
“A position at Homeland Security.”
He considered this carefully before finally speaking.
“You should take it.”
“I already did.”
He looked at her in surprise.
“I can’t keep doing this…CTU…everyday,” she shrugged defeatedly. “It’s getting harder and harder and now that Driscoll’s there it’s even worse.”
He nodded. That was the main reason he wanted Michelle to take the job. She and Erin Driscoll were like oil and water for whatever reason. There were few people Michelle clashed with professionally. She always found a way to work with almost anyone (it was a trait that was invaluable, especially since neither he or Tony could boast about having the same thing). But the second Driscoll had stepped into CTU and started ordering everyone around and changing protocols, practically undoing everything the three of them had spent the better part of three years trying to build, Michelle went on the defensive. Michelle started confronting the new Director over orders that contradicted ones that would’ve otherwise been given. She came to Jack for support which he willingly gave, (namely because he thought Michelle was right, but partially because he thought Erin Driscoll was on a power trip) but Driscoll seemed determined to get rid of Michelle. So much so that all of this had come to fruition the previous week…the same day they ended up kissing.
“Erin, I think it’s a mistake to call in an air assault. The chance of Isaacson actually being in that building is slim and it would destroy any evidence.”
“You may have become comfortable taking risks like that under old management, but this isn’t how we’re going to be running things anymore. We play by the rules to minimize blowback from District.”
“Thousands of people could be dead in a few hours if we don’t find Isaacson and you’re trying to cover your own ass.” Michelle snapped back.
“Michelle, I understand things may have been different for you when your husband was in charge, but the last time I checked we didn’t speak to our superiors like that.”
“And the last time I checked we’re supposed to be preventing the loss of life - !”
“Things at CTU were in chaos before. The fact that Tony Almeida was even put in such a position was unthinkable and now he’s a convicted traitor. You shouldn’t have even been working together in the first place.”
“And if you think by changing the subject you can beat me into submission I invite you to try.”
Michelle stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
He’d taken her home that night, despite her protests and in the midst of climbing the small steps to the house she’d broken down - the first time he’d seen her do so…ever. She’d collapsed against the porch and hugged her knees to her chest as she sobbed quietly. He hadn’t tried to reassure her or comfort her; he’d simply found the key in her purse and opened the door. When she’d calmed down he lifted her up and helped her into the house and by the time they’d made it into the living room they were kissing.
They broke apart as he bumped against the coffee table and she pushed him away slightly, running her fingers through her hair. He watched her sadly as they both mumbled hurried apologies over each other and he finally declared he should go and she agreed wholeheartedly.
“You’ll be okay?” As guilty he have felt about kissing his only friend’s wife he’d have felt even worse if he left to fall to pieces alone. He’d made one promise and it had nothing to do with presidential pardons or appeals: he’d promised he’d take care of her whether she wanted him to or not.
“Yeah…” her cheeks were flushed and she blinked back the stinging in her eyes. “I’ll be fine.”
“When do you leave?” Jack asked quietly.
“Two weeks. Homeland has been informed of the circumstances. They found an apartment for me and I’ll have a few consecutive days off a month so I can go back and forth…”
Jack nodded solemnly and Michelle felt nothing. Feeling would mean feeling the guilt and the guilt was unbearable. She hoped it would get better when she’d settled in Seattle, but the idea that she was abandoning him when he needed her the most - when she was the reason he needed her the most - ate away at her.
“I mean, it’s not like they let me see him much anyway.” She gulped, brushing back a few loose tears.
“And he keeps telling me not to even bother coming so maybe…this’ll help. And maybe if I give us both some breathing room President Palmer will be able to help and then I can come back.”
“I’ll be here.” Jack assured her. “There’s no reason to feel guilty.”
Michelle smiled weakly. “I know. I can’t help it.”
Jack sighed heavily as he met her eyes.
“I know.”
Me either.