Bad Romance (or, YA & Rape Culture)
Once in a while every girl has to do something she knows is bad for her, even though she knows it's stupid and she'll probably regret it later. Last night I started reading the bestselling YA fantasy Hush, Hush, which friends and the internet have repeatedly assured me that I would hate. I had no intention of reading it until I randomly picked it
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In reality, that initial 'no' rarely changes into a true 'yes'. That creepy guy who has been following you around--when you didn't want to kiss him, touch him, spend time with him last week, you probably don't want to this week either. Or the next week. But maybe he will keep following you, keep pestering you. Maybe your friends will say, 'You're being such a tease.' Maybe he'll catch you when you're alone and isolated. Maybe he scares you. Maybe that 'no' becomes an 'Oh, ok, fine,' when you don't want it to, because you're frightened and coerced and manipulated, and because you have been taught that this is what happens. And that's what the creepy guy is banking on, too--that the more he pushes, the more likely he is to wear you down, and the more manipulative and coercive he is (and the more he adds that extra touch of intimidation--drawing attention to how much more physically strong he is than you, for example)--the more likely he is to get you to say 'OK'. He knows you don't mean it, but he's got you, and that's all that matters. The fallacy that books like 'Hush, Hush' perpetuate is that somehow, that 'no' will become a willing 'yes'. I hazard that it does so only in a minority of cases :(
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Your comment is reminding me of this article on freaking CNN that I read and was appalled by, haha, because the article is like "here's how to save someone from suicide" while glossing over the fact that this guy she just met 3 days ago was breaking into her house, what the actual fuck. And the fact that they struck up a romance afterward just seemed like an all-too convenient happy ending to disguise the skeeviness involved in his HELLO BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE - like, because he saved her life/she said yes/fell in love that makes his initial behavior okay, and i'm not at all sure that it does.
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Stasia
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knocking on her bedroom window wouldn't freak you out? especially considering he'd only met her like a couple of days before--if some dude i just met at a conference showed up at my house knocking on any of my doors or windows i would FREAK THE FUCK OUT, lol.
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I don't know - this one feels like a really grey area for me. I've been abused, and then I was in a long term emotionally abusive relationship, and yet I've felt instant connections with people, with men, and told them deeply personal things without fear that they were going to abuse my trust.
*sigh*
I'm just glad, I guess, that it seems to have turned out okay for those two.
Human relationships are so hard, sometimes.
Nice to meet you, though!
Stasia
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The final straw came when some guy in my extended group of friends literally grabbed me by the arm and tried to drag me to the bar saying, "Come on, you're going to drink." I /barely/ knew this guy. I've never been the 'sit down and shut up' type, so I very nearly knocked his block off when he wouldn't let go of me. Apparently people don't expect skinny girls to react violently when they are grabbed and dragged around. :P
My friends' response to this? Overwhelmingly, my friends mocked me, thinking it was hilarious and an overreaction on my part, and not a ridiculous overstepping of boundaries on the guy's part. The terrible part about is what would have happened if I had gone along with it like they seemed to think I should have...If I had let him push me around and eventually get me alone to do who knows what. Then in many of their eyes, it would be my fault for not standing up to him.
Society is fucked up. Luckily, I have a new group of friends, now. I've wisened up, I guess, and I surround myself with feminists of both genders. It's just depressing how few and far between those people can be.
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I had a situation like yours (I was drinking however) but I went to a club with my friend, just the two of us (we had a hotel room and everything). She ended up dancing with a guy and I stood on the sidelines just keeping an eye on her since I knew she was much more drunk than me and couldn't hold her alcohol as well as I could anyway. I wanted her to be safe and not make any decisions she may regret or do anything that she had been pressured into.
While standing on the sidelines this guys overly drunk friend comes up and tries to slobber all over me. Since I am a woman who gets called a bitch a lot of doing all of the things women aren't supposed to do I backed away from him, I told him to piss off and leave me alone, but I didn't want to walk away and lose sight of my friend. When I refused his drink offer for the 5th time and told him to go away once again he grabbed me. So I shoved him off me and threw a swing, he slipped and went down and instantly I'm surrounded by people.
All of whom look absolutely horrified.
Because I stood up for myself.
My friends dance partner is staring at me with horror, the dancers are all looking at me like I have seven heads. Like excuse me for not letting myself be abused and harassed. His friend asks "what happened?" Still looking at me horrified. My reply was just "If you're friend tries to touch me again I swear to god it will be the last thing he ever does."
Security escorted him out since he was nearing pass out drunk levels but me and my friend were either avoided or more guys would come out and try to hit on me. Like it was ok for THEM to be the ones to get close to me and harass me without accepting my "No" or "Leave me alone".
Needless to say we left shortly after. And sadly this isn't the first time. I have a story like this for almost every time I've ever been to a club or bar.
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