Fire and Ice - Chapter 33
Good God, finally I got it done. Sorry about the long wait.
Chapter 33
When Jack heard the PA announcer say Ennis’s name, he was almost afraid to look at the bench. He felt like he was in a dream where everything was wonderful and rosy and warm, and if he looked over there would be no one there, certainly not Ennis, and his dream would be shattered.
But look he did, and he saw Ennis smiling and waving to the crowd, shaking hands with fans and accepting good wishes from his teammates. Jack saw Jeff hug him hard and say something, and they both smiled and laughed….and then Ennis looked on the ice for Jack and their eyes met, and Jack knew everything would be okay.
He skated slowly to the bench, feeling like his chest was about to explode. Tingling all over at the sight of his lover, knowing that no one in the building but Jeff knew about them, knowing that he had a secret and he couldn’t share it-but for the first time, he didn’t care. Being out and honest was good, but just being happy was the goal. And now that Ennis was back, Jack was happy…beyond happy.
He stared at Ennis as he got closer, and it was like a Hitchcock movie-moment: everything in the background fizzled away into a blurry nothingness and all he could see was Ennis.
***
The man in question couldn’t believe the cheers from the crowd. They were deafening, rolling over him like a wave. He turned to look up at the crowd and people were on their feet, clapping and whistling. Ennis was shocked. All this, for me? he thought dazedly. All I did was tear up my knee. But he knew that hockey fans were a special bunch; they loved their players and were loyal to the end. He turned to acknowledge them and the cheers erupted even more. He was flabbergasted and touched as fans reached over the glass to shake his hand and wish him well.
But as wonderful as their cheers were, there was really only one person whose reaction mattered to Ennis. He turned back to the ice and knew that the surprise was ruined, but the look of shock and happiness on Jack’s face made up for it; he stood on his skates at center ice, nearly motionless, as he stared at Ennis.
You’re really here, his dazed expression seemed to say.
Yep, I’m here, bud, Ennis grinned back.
Jack regained his bearings, fighting to not skate balls-out to the bench and jump right on top of Ennis in front of over 9,000 fans. He grinned, chuckling out loud at the thought of it, as Pierre skated over.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Jack replied, smiling wide. “It’s just a really good night.”
***
In the stands, Brady sat stunned and very, very unhappy. He bit his lip until it bled, barely feeling the pain but acknowledging the metallic taste in his mouth. He reasoned that it hurt much less than his heart.
After the game was over, he made his way down to the locker room, ignoring the glances of the ushers who wanted to close the rink and go home. He waited outside the door for a bit until security cleared everyone out into the parking lot, and then headed to his car. It occurred to him that he should just leave and drive home, or to a hotel for the night, but a masochistic part of him wanted to know, had to know, if Jack had really chosen Ennis over him. He needed confrontation and confirmation, despite knowing it would make him feel even worse than he already felt.
As he spied the players starting to leave the rink, he unfolded his long frame from his convertible, deliberately ignoring the packed bag in his backseat. Probably not going to be using that tonight, he thought, stretching and sighing. This night was not going at all how he had planned it just hours earlier. He walked over to Jack’s truck and leaned on the fender, waiting.
About ten minutes later Brady saw Jack and Ennis coming out of the players’ entrance door, and his heart sank. They walked together with Ennis on his crutches, not close enough to arouse suspicion in anyone but him. He saw Ennis say something and Jack turned to look at Ennis with a brilliant smile, and Brady winced. Why him? Why didn’t Jack ever look that way at me? The smile stabbed Brady in the heart; he knew at that moment that there would never be anything between him and Jack as long as Ennis del Mar was in the picture. It hurt.
He saw them both smile then, their gazes averted away from each other but radiating a familiarity that was impossible for Brady to miss, even from 20 feet away. Ennis looked up and spotted Brady first; his countenance changed as he nudged Jack and nodded, but he didn’t seem to be threatened, just mildly confused.
Jack, however, wore his heart on his sleeve, and in a span of about three seconds, Brady noticed his face go from smiling and surprised to concerned and pained. Brady’s mouth tightened; he stuck his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground. Now that the moment of truth was upon him, he wasn’t at all sure of what to do.
“Hey Brady,” called Jack uneasily as he unlocked the truck and put Ennis’s bag inside.
“Hey Jack,” he answered as normally as he could, given the situation.
“Uhh…have you met Ennis?” asked Jack, his guard up.
Brady pushed himself off the fender and extended his hand. “Never had the pleasure. Brady McKay-I play for Michiwaga.”
“Ennis del Mar,” Ennis introduced himself, shaking Brady’s hand. “I’ve heard of you…shit, everyone’s heard of you, eh?”
Brady smiled and so did Ennis, but Brady didn’t dare look at Jack. “I guess,” he shrugged. “Nice to finally meet you. Uh…sorry about your knee. I’d heard you’d had it fixed, though. What happened?”
Ennis shrugged. “Tripped over my parents’ dog and tore it again. Doc says it can’t be fixed.”
Brady stiffened. “You…you gonna quit?” he asked, his heart sinking. He knew if Ennis couldn’t play anymore then Jack would certainly retire and the two of them would try to make a go of their relationship. He knew because Jack had told him that’s what he would do if Ennis wanted it.
“Don’t have a choice,” Ennis shrugged. “Can’t play anymore.”
Brady’s mouth tensed into a sharp line. “Shit, I’m sorry about that,” he said dispassionately to Ennis, not meaning it.
The three men stood there, not speaking, until Brady realized Ennis was giving Jack and him odd glances. He knew Ennis was wondering what the hell he was doing here and he wondered if Jack had said anything about him. Finally Brady knew that no one was going to speak, but he wasn’t going to leave until he talked to Jack.
“Um, Ennis, would you mind if I spoke with Jack for a minute?” he asked.
Jack and Ennis and Brady all exchanged looks, but Ennis’s face remained inscrutable, as if he were trying to suss out the situation and couldn’t. “Uh…sure, if that’s okay with Jack.”
Oh fuck, Jack thought.
Stop being so overprotective, thought Brady angrily. Jack’s a big boy-let him do what he wants.
What the fuck is going on here? thought Ennis.
“Yeah-it’s fine,” Jack said to Ennis, handing him the keys. “Start the truck-I’ll be right back.”
Ennis took the keys without a word and went around the passenger side to let himself in. He situated himself in the front seat but didn’t start the vehicle. He couldn’t help his curiosity as he turned to watch the two men through the darkened Yukon windows.
“What are you doing here?” asked Jack in a gentle voice as he and Brady walked to his car.
“What do you think I’m doing here?” Brady snapped at him, suddenly feeling hurt and defensive. “I came here for you. I wanted to surprise you.”
“You did.” Jack looked sad.
“Yeah…looks like someone else had the same idea,” Brady said glumly, nodding back towards Ennis.
“Yeah,” sighed Jack. They stopped at Brady’s convertible. “Look, Brady, I’m sorry. This…this thing with me and you…it’s…I’m…”
Brady sighed. “Jack, I’m not stupid. Just tell me…are you getting back together with him?”
Jack looked at the ground, sorry to be hurting his friend like that. “Yeah. I am.”
Brady looked at the ground too and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I kinda figured.”
“I’m sorry. I told you how I felt about him. He’s really changed and-“
Angered, Brady held up a hand. “Don’t,” he said. “Just…don’t, okay? I’m doing my best to keep my mouth shut and not tell you you’re making a huge mistake and that Ennis is going to pull all this shit again on you, so don’t say he’s changed. Just…” He paused, trying to curb his anger and disappointment. “Just don’t let him treat you like shit.”
“He won’t,” Jack insisted, and he looked into Brady’s eyes. “I won’t,” he amended. “And…thanks for not making a scene.”
“You’re welcome,” Brady said quietly. “What I really want to do is go over there and punch his lights out.”
Jack didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry you drove all this way…”
“Are you sorry I came to see you?” Brady snapped.
Jack shook his head. “No, I’m just sorry you wasted the time and gas. I’m glad you wanted to see me…but you know, it probably never would have worked out between us.”
Brady sighed and looked away from the man who was tearing his heart out. “You don’t know that.”
“I’m ten years older than you.”
“I don’t care.”
Out of the mouths of babes, thought Jack. “Brady, you’re a good friend,” Jack touched his shoulder. “You helped me with all this shit, and I don’t know that I would’ve made it through without you.”
Great, thought Brady. Here comes my consolation speech.
Jack continued, “Can we keep in touch? I’d like you to get to know Ennis. He’s really a great guy.”
Brady shrugged, staring across the parking lot at nothing, afraid to look Jack in the eyes. “I guess.”
Jack sighed, seeing how much Brady was struggling to hold it together, and it made Jack wince with sadness. He hated hurting him like this, and it made him realize how much Brady had come to care for him, even though they had never said anything of the sort to each other. Finally Brady spoke as he looked back toward the truck and Ennis.
“At least I can see what you see in him…he’s hot.”
Jack chuckled, and then Brady did too.
“C’mere,” Jack said, opening his arms. Brady hesitated slightly and then moved into them, hugging Jack with a manly, ‘see you later’ type of hug that wouldn’t be misconstrued by anyone who might see them.
“I’ll miss you,” Brady admitted quietly, pulling back.
“I’ll miss you too,” Jack said, releasing him. “Are you going to drive back tonight? Do you need a place to stay?”
Brady hesitated. “I think I’m gonna grab a hotel room and drive back tomorrow.”
“You can stay-“
“Uh, no,” Brady finished for him. “I don’t think any of us want me hanging around tonight. You guys have things to do.” He looked down at the ground, trying to hold it together and be the bigger man, even though he felt like his insides were being torn apart. I have a whole big night of nothing ahead of me, and I need to get started. “I gotta be going.”
He started to get into his car, but Jack stopped him. “Hey, maybe you should call Ben Patterson,” he tried to joke, referring to the hockey player that Brady had told him was gay the first time they’d hooked up.
Brady actually smiled. “Yeah, maybe I will,” he agreed, wondering why he was trying to make Jack feel better when he felt so lousy himself. He didn’t want anyone but Jack, and that was being taken from him. Why the hell would I want anyone else?
“Hey,” Jack said gently, “thanks.”
Brady knew what he meant. “You’re welcome. Hope things go good for you guys.” No, I don’t, but it sounds good. I wonder if he knows I don’t mean it.
Brady got in his car, waved to Jack, glanced over at Ennis, and pulled out of the parking lot. He didn’t dare look in his rear-view mirrors; he was afraid of what he might see.
***
Jack stood for a moment, not watching Brady drive away but concentrating on the ground, the sky, the stars-anything that would get his mind off his conflicting emotions. He was on the highest of highs because of Ennis, but seeing Brady had brought all kinds of feelings he’d never given word or thought to. Brady had been not only a lover but a counselor, a friend, a buddy, and, Jack reasoned, possibly more, in Brady’s mind at least. If Jack were to admit it to himself, he’d grown really fond of the younger man-even to the point of calling him once for phone sex in the middle of the night, liking the deep timbre of his voice, satisfying an ache in him that could only be cured by physical release. They had talked each other through it, and Jack had felt both better and worse afterwards, not knowing if he was using Brady or not. But Brady hadn’t seemed to mind, had even seemed to welcome the phone call, not wanting to hang up even when Jack was about to fall asleep.
His confliction, he knew, would have to be confronted in the next few minutes, when he would have to tell Ennis. He knew he couldn’t lie about Brady; he’d demanded the truth enough times from Ennis to know that lying wasn’t even an option. He took a deep breath, let it out, and walked back to his truck, climbing in. He noticed Ennis hadn’t started the engine, and he put his hand on the key but didn’t turn the ignition.
Ennis didn’t say anything. He wanted to Jack to take the lead, to explain the exchange between himself and McKay, even though he was pretty certain what had transpired while he’d been in Alberta.
“Guess you’re wondering what that was all about,” Jack ventured slowly, his voice soft.
“Yeah.”
“Brady…” Jack began, and then stopped. “He and I hooked up when you were gone.”
Ennis was stunned but resigned. “He’s gay?”
“Mm-hm,” Jack nodded, relieved that Ennis hadn’t gone bat-shit crazy.
“Oh.”
Jack swallowed. “You mad?”
The thought of Jack with someone else was so painful, Ennis felt like he’d been sucker-punched by the best fighter in the league.
“I’m not mad,” he assured him, his voice cracking a bit, “I just don’t know what to say.”
“Can I say something?” asked Jack, and Ennis nodded. “I swear to God, I never meant for it to happen. I just went to a bar one night after a game, and there he was. I never…never wanted…you’d been gone for two months and I thought you were never coming back, that we were over, and I was so…” Jack’s words trailed off.
“So, what?” Ennis asked, trying to remain calm.
“So lonely,” Jack admitted, his voice now cracking. “I was mad at you for leaving. I hated you, Ennis, as much as I possibly could hate someone. But it didn’t stop me from wanting you. But I thought you weren’t coming back, that we were done.”
“Me too, eh,” Ennis said quietly. “But you were the one who said it-that you were done with me.”
The words hung in the air between them, never to be retracted and never forgotten.
“I know. And I’m sorry. I was just so fucking furious,” Jack admitted, “so mad that you would just think you could leave without even telling me.”
“I told you already, I know that I was wrong.”
“I know.” Jack started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. “Brady…he’s a good guy. Helped me through…a lot.”
“Yeah,” was all Ennis could manage. “Kinda young.”
Jack grinned slightly, turning to look at Ennis. “He’s only four years younger than you.”
Ennis smiled back. “Then he’s definitely too young for you,” he teased.
Jack relaxed behind the wheel, knowing if Ennis was making jokes then he would be okay about it. “So you’re not mad?”
Ennis leaned back into the seat and thought about it for a moment. He had to reconcile what he wanted to feel versus what he really felt. In the past he knew that if he’d found out Jack had been with someone else, he probably would have beaten up the other guy. But in his hard-won wisdom, he knew he couldn’t blame Jack; they had been apart at the time by mutual agreement, both thinking their relationship was over. If Jack had sought comfort with someone else, there was nothing he could say.
“You did what you had to do,” Ennis shrugged. “I can’t say anything about it. We were done. I’m not mad, eh?”
Jack felt the need to explain. “It just happened. It was a couple of times; we’d hook up when we were playing each other in the playoffs. I…I think he wanted more from me, but I couldn’t do it. I told him all about you.”
“You did?”
“Yeah,” Jack replied. “Ennis, if we’re going to do this, I’m not going to hide anymore. And that means you can’t hide, either.”
Ennis nodded, at peace with the idea. “I know. I’ve been hiding it my whole life, and I’m sick of it.” He picked at the denim on his jeans. “He seems like a nice guy.”
“He is.”
“Good lookin’, eh?”
Jack laughed. “He said the same thing about you.”
“He did?”
Jack nodded, grinning. “I believe the exact word he used was ‘hot’.”
Ennis laughed out loud in surprise. “I’ll be damned.”
“Hey, never let it be said that I don’t have good taste in guys.”
Ennis’s gut roiled a bit, thinking of Jack with Brady, but he put the thoughts away quickly when Jack went on. “You’ll never guess who else he said was gay.”
“Who?” Ennis’s eyebrows dipped.
“Ben Patterson.”
“The fuck?” came the shocked reply.
“Yeah, a couple of other guys too.”
“Holy shit. He knows this for a fact?”
“That’s the rumour,” Jack shrugged.
Ennis whistled. “Never woulda thought it.”
“Yeah, well, I bet they’re saying the same thing about us,” Jack mused as he pulled onto the highway. “You know, the word has gotten around, Brady said. We’re gonna have to face up to it sooner or later.”
“Well, I can’t play anymore, so it’s not gonna be an issue, not in hockey at least.”
“We have to decide what we’re gonna do.”
“Let’s talk about that later,” Ennis suggested. At Jack’s sharp look, he reassured him, “I’m not avoiding the subject, I’m just hungry.”
“You’re hungry?” asked Jack incredulously. All he could think about was the tightness in his pants and his longing to get Ennis back home, in his bed, where they both belonged, Ennis’s hot skin glistening under his hands and mouth.
“Yeah, I am, and you’re always hungry, so let’s go to the diner.”
“I’m not hungry-“
“Jack, you might want to eat.”
At Ennis’s ominous tone, Jack capitulated. “Okay, but why?”
“Because once we get home, we’re not getting out of bed till Saturday.”
Jack grinned, steering the big black truck towards the diner. He made a mental note to get take-out.
Chapter 33
When Jack heard the PA announcer say Ennis’s name, he was almost afraid to look at the bench. He felt like he was in a dream where everything was wonderful and rosy and warm, and if he looked over there would be no one there, certainly not Ennis, and his dream would be shattered.
But look he did, and he saw Ennis smiling and waving to the crowd, shaking hands with fans and accepting good wishes from his teammates. Jack saw Jeff hug him hard and say something, and they both smiled and laughed….and then Ennis looked on the ice for Jack and their eyes met, and Jack knew everything would be okay.
He skated slowly to the bench, feeling like his chest was about to explode. Tingling all over at the sight of his lover, knowing that no one in the building but Jeff knew about them, knowing that he had a secret and he couldn’t share it-but for the first time, he didn’t care. Being out and honest was good, but just being happy was the goal. And now that Ennis was back, Jack was happy…beyond happy.
He stared at Ennis as he got closer, and it was like a Hitchcock movie-moment: everything in the background fizzled away into a blurry nothingness and all he could see was Ennis.
***
The man in question couldn’t believe the cheers from the crowd. They were deafening, rolling over him like a wave. He turned to look up at the crowd and people were on their feet, clapping and whistling. Ennis was shocked. All this, for me? he thought dazedly. All I did was tear up my knee. But he knew that hockey fans were a special bunch; they loved their players and were loyal to the end. He turned to acknowledge them and the cheers erupted even more. He was flabbergasted and touched as fans reached over the glass to shake his hand and wish him well.
But as wonderful as their cheers were, there was really only one person whose reaction mattered to Ennis. He turned back to the ice and knew that the surprise was ruined, but the look of shock and happiness on Jack’s face made up for it; he stood on his skates at center ice, nearly motionless, as he stared at Ennis.
You’re really here, his dazed expression seemed to say.
Yep, I’m here, bud, Ennis grinned back.
Jack regained his bearings, fighting to not skate balls-out to the bench and jump right on top of Ennis in front of over 9,000 fans. He grinned, chuckling out loud at the thought of it, as Pierre skated over.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Jack replied, smiling wide. “It’s just a really good night.”
***
In the stands, Brady sat stunned and very, very unhappy. He bit his lip until it bled, barely feeling the pain but acknowledging the metallic taste in his mouth. He reasoned that it hurt much less than his heart.
After the game was over, he made his way down to the locker room, ignoring the glances of the ushers who wanted to close the rink and go home. He waited outside the door for a bit until security cleared everyone out into the parking lot, and then headed to his car. It occurred to him that he should just leave and drive home, or to a hotel for the night, but a masochistic part of him wanted to know, had to know, if Jack had really chosen Ennis over him. He needed confrontation and confirmation, despite knowing it would make him feel even worse than he already felt.
As he spied the players starting to leave the rink, he unfolded his long frame from his convertible, deliberately ignoring the packed bag in his backseat. Probably not going to be using that tonight, he thought, stretching and sighing. This night was not going at all how he had planned it just hours earlier. He walked over to Jack’s truck and leaned on the fender, waiting.
About ten minutes later Brady saw Jack and Ennis coming out of the players’ entrance door, and his heart sank. They walked together with Ennis on his crutches, not close enough to arouse suspicion in anyone but him. He saw Ennis say something and Jack turned to look at Ennis with a brilliant smile, and Brady winced. Why him? Why didn’t Jack ever look that way at me? The smile stabbed Brady in the heart; he knew at that moment that there would never be anything between him and Jack as long as Ennis del Mar was in the picture. It hurt.
He saw them both smile then, their gazes averted away from each other but radiating a familiarity that was impossible for Brady to miss, even from 20 feet away. Ennis looked up and spotted Brady first; his countenance changed as he nudged Jack and nodded, but he didn’t seem to be threatened, just mildly confused.
Jack, however, wore his heart on his sleeve, and in a span of about three seconds, Brady noticed his face go from smiling and surprised to concerned and pained. Brady’s mouth tightened; he stuck his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground. Now that the moment of truth was upon him, he wasn’t at all sure of what to do.
“Hey Brady,” called Jack uneasily as he unlocked the truck and put Ennis’s bag inside.
“Hey Jack,” he answered as normally as he could, given the situation.
“Uhh…have you met Ennis?” asked Jack, his guard up.
Brady pushed himself off the fender and extended his hand. “Never had the pleasure. Brady McKay-I play for Michiwaga.”
“Ennis del Mar,” Ennis introduced himself, shaking Brady’s hand. “I’ve heard of you…shit, everyone’s heard of you, eh?”
Brady smiled and so did Ennis, but Brady didn’t dare look at Jack. “I guess,” he shrugged. “Nice to finally meet you. Uh…sorry about your knee. I’d heard you’d had it fixed, though. What happened?”
Ennis shrugged. “Tripped over my parents’ dog and tore it again. Doc says it can’t be fixed.”
Brady stiffened. “You…you gonna quit?” he asked, his heart sinking. He knew if Ennis couldn’t play anymore then Jack would certainly retire and the two of them would try to make a go of their relationship. He knew because Jack had told him that’s what he would do if Ennis wanted it.
“Don’t have a choice,” Ennis shrugged. “Can’t play anymore.”
Brady’s mouth tensed into a sharp line. “Shit, I’m sorry about that,” he said dispassionately to Ennis, not meaning it.
The three men stood there, not speaking, until Brady realized Ennis was giving Jack and him odd glances. He knew Ennis was wondering what the hell he was doing here and he wondered if Jack had said anything about him. Finally Brady knew that no one was going to speak, but he wasn’t going to leave until he talked to Jack.
“Um, Ennis, would you mind if I spoke with Jack for a minute?” he asked.
Jack and Ennis and Brady all exchanged looks, but Ennis’s face remained inscrutable, as if he were trying to suss out the situation and couldn’t. “Uh…sure, if that’s okay with Jack.”
Oh fuck, Jack thought.
Stop being so overprotective, thought Brady angrily. Jack’s a big boy-let him do what he wants.
What the fuck is going on here? thought Ennis.
“Yeah-it’s fine,” Jack said to Ennis, handing him the keys. “Start the truck-I’ll be right back.”
Ennis took the keys without a word and went around the passenger side to let himself in. He situated himself in the front seat but didn’t start the vehicle. He couldn’t help his curiosity as he turned to watch the two men through the darkened Yukon windows.
“What are you doing here?” asked Jack in a gentle voice as he and Brady walked to his car.
“What do you think I’m doing here?” Brady snapped at him, suddenly feeling hurt and defensive. “I came here for you. I wanted to surprise you.”
“You did.” Jack looked sad.
“Yeah…looks like someone else had the same idea,” Brady said glumly, nodding back towards Ennis.
“Yeah,” sighed Jack. They stopped at Brady’s convertible. “Look, Brady, I’m sorry. This…this thing with me and you…it’s…I’m…”
Brady sighed. “Jack, I’m not stupid. Just tell me…are you getting back together with him?”
Jack looked at the ground, sorry to be hurting his friend like that. “Yeah. I am.”
Brady looked at the ground too and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I kinda figured.”
“I’m sorry. I told you how I felt about him. He’s really changed and-“
Angered, Brady held up a hand. “Don’t,” he said. “Just…don’t, okay? I’m doing my best to keep my mouth shut and not tell you you’re making a huge mistake and that Ennis is going to pull all this shit again on you, so don’t say he’s changed. Just…” He paused, trying to curb his anger and disappointment. “Just don’t let him treat you like shit.”
“He won’t,” Jack insisted, and he looked into Brady’s eyes. “I won’t,” he amended. “And…thanks for not making a scene.”
“You’re welcome,” Brady said quietly. “What I really want to do is go over there and punch his lights out.”
Jack didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry you drove all this way…”
“Are you sorry I came to see you?” Brady snapped.
Jack shook his head. “No, I’m just sorry you wasted the time and gas. I’m glad you wanted to see me…but you know, it probably never would have worked out between us.”
Brady sighed and looked away from the man who was tearing his heart out. “You don’t know that.”
“I’m ten years older than you.”
“I don’t care.”
Out of the mouths of babes, thought Jack. “Brady, you’re a good friend,” Jack touched his shoulder. “You helped me with all this shit, and I don’t know that I would’ve made it through without you.”
Great, thought Brady. Here comes my consolation speech.
Jack continued, “Can we keep in touch? I’d like you to get to know Ennis. He’s really a great guy.”
Brady shrugged, staring across the parking lot at nothing, afraid to look Jack in the eyes. “I guess.”
Jack sighed, seeing how much Brady was struggling to hold it together, and it made Jack wince with sadness. He hated hurting him like this, and it made him realize how much Brady had come to care for him, even though they had never said anything of the sort to each other. Finally Brady spoke as he looked back toward the truck and Ennis.
“At least I can see what you see in him…he’s hot.”
Jack chuckled, and then Brady did too.
“C’mere,” Jack said, opening his arms. Brady hesitated slightly and then moved into them, hugging Jack with a manly, ‘see you later’ type of hug that wouldn’t be misconstrued by anyone who might see them.
“I’ll miss you,” Brady admitted quietly, pulling back.
“I’ll miss you too,” Jack said, releasing him. “Are you going to drive back tonight? Do you need a place to stay?”
Brady hesitated. “I think I’m gonna grab a hotel room and drive back tomorrow.”
“You can stay-“
“Uh, no,” Brady finished for him. “I don’t think any of us want me hanging around tonight. You guys have things to do.” He looked down at the ground, trying to hold it together and be the bigger man, even though he felt like his insides were being torn apart. I have a whole big night of nothing ahead of me, and I need to get started. “I gotta be going.”
He started to get into his car, but Jack stopped him. “Hey, maybe you should call Ben Patterson,” he tried to joke, referring to the hockey player that Brady had told him was gay the first time they’d hooked up.
Brady actually smiled. “Yeah, maybe I will,” he agreed, wondering why he was trying to make Jack feel better when he felt so lousy himself. He didn’t want anyone but Jack, and that was being taken from him. Why the hell would I want anyone else?
“Hey,” Jack said gently, “thanks.”
Brady knew what he meant. “You’re welcome. Hope things go good for you guys.” No, I don’t, but it sounds good. I wonder if he knows I don’t mean it.
Brady got in his car, waved to Jack, glanced over at Ennis, and pulled out of the parking lot. He didn’t dare look in his rear-view mirrors; he was afraid of what he might see.
***
Jack stood for a moment, not watching Brady drive away but concentrating on the ground, the sky, the stars-anything that would get his mind off his conflicting emotions. He was on the highest of highs because of Ennis, but seeing Brady had brought all kinds of feelings he’d never given word or thought to. Brady had been not only a lover but a counselor, a friend, a buddy, and, Jack reasoned, possibly more, in Brady’s mind at least. If Jack were to admit it to himself, he’d grown really fond of the younger man-even to the point of calling him once for phone sex in the middle of the night, liking the deep timbre of his voice, satisfying an ache in him that could only be cured by physical release. They had talked each other through it, and Jack had felt both better and worse afterwards, not knowing if he was using Brady or not. But Brady hadn’t seemed to mind, had even seemed to welcome the phone call, not wanting to hang up even when Jack was about to fall asleep.
His confliction, he knew, would have to be confronted in the next few minutes, when he would have to tell Ennis. He knew he couldn’t lie about Brady; he’d demanded the truth enough times from Ennis to know that lying wasn’t even an option. He took a deep breath, let it out, and walked back to his truck, climbing in. He noticed Ennis hadn’t started the engine, and he put his hand on the key but didn’t turn the ignition.
Ennis didn’t say anything. He wanted to Jack to take the lead, to explain the exchange between himself and McKay, even though he was pretty certain what had transpired while he’d been in Alberta.
“Guess you’re wondering what that was all about,” Jack ventured slowly, his voice soft.
“Yeah.”
“Brady…” Jack began, and then stopped. “He and I hooked up when you were gone.”
Ennis was stunned but resigned. “He’s gay?”
“Mm-hm,” Jack nodded, relieved that Ennis hadn’t gone bat-shit crazy.
“Oh.”
Jack swallowed. “You mad?”
The thought of Jack with someone else was so painful, Ennis felt like he’d been sucker-punched by the best fighter in the league.
“I’m not mad,” he assured him, his voice cracking a bit, “I just don’t know what to say.”
“Can I say something?” asked Jack, and Ennis nodded. “I swear to God, I never meant for it to happen. I just went to a bar one night after a game, and there he was. I never…never wanted…you’d been gone for two months and I thought you were never coming back, that we were over, and I was so…” Jack’s words trailed off.
“So, what?” Ennis asked, trying to remain calm.
“So lonely,” Jack admitted, his voice now cracking. “I was mad at you for leaving. I hated you, Ennis, as much as I possibly could hate someone. But it didn’t stop me from wanting you. But I thought you weren’t coming back, that we were done.”
“Me too, eh,” Ennis said quietly. “But you were the one who said it-that you were done with me.”
The words hung in the air between them, never to be retracted and never forgotten.
“I know. And I’m sorry. I was just so fucking furious,” Jack admitted, “so mad that you would just think you could leave without even telling me.”
“I told you already, I know that I was wrong.”
“I know.” Jack started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. “Brady…he’s a good guy. Helped me through…a lot.”
“Yeah,” was all Ennis could manage. “Kinda young.”
Jack grinned slightly, turning to look at Ennis. “He’s only four years younger than you.”
Ennis smiled back. “Then he’s definitely too young for you,” he teased.
Jack relaxed behind the wheel, knowing if Ennis was making jokes then he would be okay about it. “So you’re not mad?”
Ennis leaned back into the seat and thought about it for a moment. He had to reconcile what he wanted to feel versus what he really felt. In the past he knew that if he’d found out Jack had been with someone else, he probably would have beaten up the other guy. But in his hard-won wisdom, he knew he couldn’t blame Jack; they had been apart at the time by mutual agreement, both thinking their relationship was over. If Jack had sought comfort with someone else, there was nothing he could say.
“You did what you had to do,” Ennis shrugged. “I can’t say anything about it. We were done. I’m not mad, eh?”
Jack felt the need to explain. “It just happened. It was a couple of times; we’d hook up when we were playing each other in the playoffs. I…I think he wanted more from me, but I couldn’t do it. I told him all about you.”
“You did?”
“Yeah,” Jack replied. “Ennis, if we’re going to do this, I’m not going to hide anymore. And that means you can’t hide, either.”
Ennis nodded, at peace with the idea. “I know. I’ve been hiding it my whole life, and I’m sick of it.” He picked at the denim on his jeans. “He seems like a nice guy.”
“He is.”
“Good lookin’, eh?”
Jack laughed. “He said the same thing about you.”
“He did?”
Jack nodded, grinning. “I believe the exact word he used was ‘hot’.”
Ennis laughed out loud in surprise. “I’ll be damned.”
“Hey, never let it be said that I don’t have good taste in guys.”
Ennis’s gut roiled a bit, thinking of Jack with Brady, but he put the thoughts away quickly when Jack went on. “You’ll never guess who else he said was gay.”
“Who?” Ennis’s eyebrows dipped.
“Ben Patterson.”
“The fuck?” came the shocked reply.
“Yeah, a couple of other guys too.”
“Holy shit. He knows this for a fact?”
“That’s the rumour,” Jack shrugged.
Ennis whistled. “Never woulda thought it.”
“Yeah, well, I bet they’re saying the same thing about us,” Jack mused as he pulled onto the highway. “You know, the word has gotten around, Brady said. We’re gonna have to face up to it sooner or later.”
“Well, I can’t play anymore, so it’s not gonna be an issue, not in hockey at least.”
“We have to decide what we’re gonna do.”
“Let’s talk about that later,” Ennis suggested. At Jack’s sharp look, he reassured him, “I’m not avoiding the subject, I’m just hungry.”
“You’re hungry?” asked Jack incredulously. All he could think about was the tightness in his pants and his longing to get Ennis back home, in his bed, where they both belonged, Ennis’s hot skin glistening under his hands and mouth.
“Yeah, I am, and you’re always hungry, so let’s go to the diner.”
“I’m not hungry-“
“Jack, you might want to eat.”
At Ennis’s ominous tone, Jack capitulated. “Okay, but why?”
“Because once we get home, we’re not getting out of bed till Saturday.”
Jack grinned, steering the big black truck towards the diner. He made a mental note to get take-out.