Decision
So, I've made a decision.
I'm sorry to say I've developed a very bad habit of compulsively surfing the net. It's got to the point where I spend ridiculous amounts of time every day going back and forth between the same sites.
I know, it's really pathetic. It's gradually become a habit that's so reflexive I'm hardly aware of it. The trouble is, in the short term, it calms me down by distracting me from being overwhelmed by all the things I should be doing, and from constantly feeling like time is slipping through my fingers. But in the long term, of course, I feel even more panicky about time passing me by when I realize how much time I've spent accomplishing nothing. And spending so long staring at the computer screen is making me lethargic, and contributing to my mind being in a fog a lot of the time, which is kind of a scary feeling.
This isn't to say I'm not accomplishing anything at all. I'm still doing well on my assignments, and I'm better able to concentrate on them than I was last year. In general, though, I've been feeling depressed a lot of the time, like I've become this horribly lazy person I never wanted to be. I don't want to be someone who spends all her time daydreaming about doing great things, but has little will to actually do them. My lack of will comes from wanting to forget about my feeling that with every moment, my time is running out. But the things I do to distract myself, like avoiding thinking about things I could or should be doing, and compulsively internet surfing, are just making that feeling worse. The more I run from it, the worse it gets.
So, in the interest of taking my life back, I've decided to limit myself to surfing the internet twice per day, once in the morning or afternoon, and once in the evening. It's not a solution to my procrastination and general existential angst, but it's a small start.
I'm sorry to say I've developed a very bad habit of compulsively surfing the net. It's got to the point where I spend ridiculous amounts of time every day going back and forth between the same sites.
I know, it's really pathetic. It's gradually become a habit that's so reflexive I'm hardly aware of it. The trouble is, in the short term, it calms me down by distracting me from being overwhelmed by all the things I should be doing, and from constantly feeling like time is slipping through my fingers. But in the long term, of course, I feel even more panicky about time passing me by when I realize how much time I've spent accomplishing nothing. And spending so long staring at the computer screen is making me lethargic, and contributing to my mind being in a fog a lot of the time, which is kind of a scary feeling.
This isn't to say I'm not accomplishing anything at all. I'm still doing well on my assignments, and I'm better able to concentrate on them than I was last year. In general, though, I've been feeling depressed a lot of the time, like I've become this horribly lazy person I never wanted to be. I don't want to be someone who spends all her time daydreaming about doing great things, but has little will to actually do them. My lack of will comes from wanting to forget about my feeling that with every moment, my time is running out. But the things I do to distract myself, like avoiding thinking about things I could or should be doing, and compulsively internet surfing, are just making that feeling worse. The more I run from it, the worse it gets.
So, in the interest of taking my life back, I've decided to limit myself to surfing the internet twice per day, once in the morning or afternoon, and once in the evening. It's not a solution to my procrastination and general existential angst, but it's a small start.