Dear Edward Cullen (You are being Sued)
Dear Mr. E. Cullen,
(Stephenie Meyers' Twilight series)
Our client, Mrs. Swan, has filed a restraining order against you on the grounds of your history of psychological and physical abuse.
She reports that she has woken up to find you leering over her with a look of unbridled lust, and this was long before you were ever in a consenting relationship. She has also informed the authorities you have made veiled threats to her, saying such things as 'No one would ever believe you.'
Apparently you have taken her into the middle of the forest where you have tried to intimidate her by confessing to a history of violence and brutal serial killings as you proved mental instability by insisting upon running around with her on your back, and then you would stand shirtless while drenched in body glitter without the proper Glam Rock Star credentials.
Our client's own mother has informed me that you rushed her daughter (our client) to the hospital with obvious, human teeth marks in her arm, and unconscious with the very suspicious story that she had fallen down a flight of stairs... and then out a window. Her own father confirms that you had broken up shortly before this supposed accident. And then you find her unconscious after falling down a flight of stairs and out a window but she had teeth marks in her arm? Mr. Cullen, are we to believe this? Seriously?
You had rendered our client so emotionally dependant upon you, at such an unhealthy degree, that the thought of you leaving her has provoked her behave in a depressive, self-destructive spiral. She was found laying on a forest 'waiting to die'. Do you know how expensive therapy is to treat co-dependency conditions induced by long term abuse?
We have heard, also, that you have tried to 'protect' her from another romantic interest by having her vehicle disabled and getting someone abduct her. Mr. Cullen, there is a fine line between protective and controlling. You not only crossed that line but you did the Mexican Hat Dance over it.
Apparently on the night you consummated your marriage you caused a great deal of physical harm to your wife that she 'did not want to tell you about' because you 'didn't mean it.' Classic symptoms of severe spousal abuse and denial. How do you live with yourself?
You have spread a viral blood disease to your wife immediately after giving birth to your daughter, a process by which, you KNEW was a danger to her health and caused serious bodily harm to your wife.
And now for the more serious matter in this divorce proceeding...
After you married our client she bore you a daughter whom, at age seven, you allowed to be romantically involved with a twenty-something-year-old man who claims to be a werewolf (He has attempted to pass himself off as a 'shapeshifter' but after much counciling has come to terms with the fact that the only shape he can shift into is that of a wolf which is the ORIGINAL folklore definition of a werewolf).
Mr. Cullen, I must inform you that even if your child does physically develop at a 'supernatural' speed she has still only had seven years of life experience and legally we cannot condone this so-called relationship that you have allowed with your CHILD and this man.
How do you sleep at night?
Our client, Mrs. Swan, after extensive therapy, has decided to leave you. She is filing for custody of her daughter and demands fifty percent of everything you own. As it stands Child Protective Services WILL be investigating this issue of your daughter, whom you claim is 'magically adult' even though there's nothing that can magically replace life experience and... dude, she's SEVEN!
Sincerely,
The Law Firm of H. M. R. Blockhead
(Stephenie Meyers' Twilight series)
Our client, Mrs. Swan, has filed a restraining order against you on the grounds of your history of psychological and physical abuse.
She reports that she has woken up to find you leering over her with a look of unbridled lust, and this was long before you were ever in a consenting relationship. She has also informed the authorities you have made veiled threats to her, saying such things as 'No one would ever believe you.'
Apparently you have taken her into the middle of the forest where you have tried to intimidate her by confessing to a history of violence and brutal serial killings as you proved mental instability by insisting upon running around with her on your back, and then you would stand shirtless while drenched in body glitter without the proper Glam Rock Star credentials.
Our client's own mother has informed me that you rushed her daughter (our client) to the hospital with obvious, human teeth marks in her arm, and unconscious with the very suspicious story that she had fallen down a flight of stairs... and then out a window. Her own father confirms that you had broken up shortly before this supposed accident. And then you find her unconscious after falling down a flight of stairs and out a window but she had teeth marks in her arm? Mr. Cullen, are we to believe this? Seriously?
You had rendered our client so emotionally dependant upon you, at such an unhealthy degree, that the thought of you leaving her has provoked her behave in a depressive, self-destructive spiral. She was found laying on a forest 'waiting to die'. Do you know how expensive therapy is to treat co-dependency conditions induced by long term abuse?
We have heard, also, that you have tried to 'protect' her from another romantic interest by having her vehicle disabled and getting someone abduct her. Mr. Cullen, there is a fine line between protective and controlling. You not only crossed that line but you did the Mexican Hat Dance over it.
Apparently on the night you consummated your marriage you caused a great deal of physical harm to your wife that she 'did not want to tell you about' because you 'didn't mean it.' Classic symptoms of severe spousal abuse and denial. How do you live with yourself?
You have spread a viral blood disease to your wife immediately after giving birth to your daughter, a process by which, you KNEW was a danger to her health and caused serious bodily harm to your wife.
And now for the more serious matter in this divorce proceeding...
After you married our client she bore you a daughter whom, at age seven, you allowed to be romantically involved with a twenty-something-year-old man who claims to be a werewolf (He has attempted to pass himself off as a 'shapeshifter' but after much counciling has come to terms with the fact that the only shape he can shift into is that of a wolf which is the ORIGINAL folklore definition of a werewolf).
Mr. Cullen, I must inform you that even if your child does physically develop at a 'supernatural' speed she has still only had seven years of life experience and legally we cannot condone this so-called relationship that you have allowed with your CHILD and this man.
How do you sleep at night?
Our client, Mrs. Swan, after extensive therapy, has decided to leave you. She is filing for custody of her daughter and demands fifty percent of everything you own. As it stands Child Protective Services WILL be investigating this issue of your daughter, whom you claim is 'magically adult' even though there's nothing that can magically replace life experience and... dude, she's SEVEN!
Sincerely,
The Law Firm of H. M. R. Blockhead